From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Fri Jan 7 19:16:54 2000 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.28) id SAA28766; Fri, 7 Jan 2000 18:53:44 -0500 (EST) Date: Fri, 7 Jan 2000 18:53:44 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200001072353.SAA28766@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1138 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1138 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1138 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 7 Jan 2000 18:53:44 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1138 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1133 69 votes bhof2 4jqh3 6dwd5 7god9 5fdme 3czh2 6echk j8hdc afog4 5kne7 1133 3.0 mean 2.7 2.9 3.0 3.0 3.4 3.0 3.4 2.9 2.8 3.0 --- 1138-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey Orrie, the mailman left this strange package from > Hamburg, Germany adressed to you at my place by mistake. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I sat on the sofa and looked at the package. It seemed innocent } enough, but looks could be deceiving. I racked my mind trying to } think of what it could be. There was no return address, only a } postal stamp from Hamburg. I had no clue what it was. I was just } about to have Zadoc open it, when it struck me. The last time I } was in Hamburg... } } Good gods! I quickly threw the package into the tub and turned } on the water. While I was doing that, Lisa grabbed the cordless } and booked a flight for Tibet. I was going to do what should } have been done a long time ago. } } The inn in Lhasa was silent as I shook the snow off my fur parka. } There was a small fire blazing in the center of the room, casting } orange highlights on the faces of the sherpas. I walked to the } bar and ordered a brandy. I would need the warmth. } } "What can I do for you?" said the barmaid. } } "A brandy, and some information," I said. "I'm looking for } someone, someone by the name of ... Messner." } } I heard the slow drag of the chair as one of the sherpas stood up } from his table. I didn't need to see the gun to know it was there. I } dove over the bar and came up Zotting. The sherpas fell, one } after another, not one even getting close enough to worry me. } Then, the unfortunate thing happened. A Zot went wide, striking } a sherpa in the arm. The man screamed in pain, then staggered } through the fire, scattering burning embers throughout the bar. } } I climbed onto the bar and slid my Staff of Zot into my belt. } Catching my breath, I leapt upward and caught the chandalier. } Swinging halfway across the room, I pushed out with my feet, } striking a sherpa squarely in the chest. Using the momentum of } the kick, I swung back across the room. At the apex of my } swing, I let go of the chandalier and dove through the window, } landing in the snow below. } } I caught up to Messner halfway up the mountain. Even through } the blinding snow, I could tell it was him. Nobody would venture } into the Himalayas in a white leisure suit. He spotted me before } I was close enough to Zot him and broke into a run. } } I chased him as well as I could, but soon lost him in the driving } winds and snowfall. Suddenly, a shot rang out. I took cover } behind the nearest boulder. When a second shot nearly } knocked the feather off my cap, I knew which direction he was. } Slowly, I crept around to the far side of the boulder. Sure } enough, there was Messner, waiting for a shot. I set the staff on } "stun" and zapped him. He was still twitching as I walked over } to him. } } "Did you really think I would let you blackmail me, Reinhold?" } } "Orrie! Please, I don't know what you're talking about! I haven't } told a soul about the fake yeti! Please! Please don't kill me!" } } "You're not blackmailing me?" I asked, stunned. "So what was } in the box?" } } "What box? I didn't send you any box." } } Suddenly, it dawned on me. I returned to Lhasa to catch the next } flight to New Delhi. Upon returning home, I walked directly to the } bathroom, which now about two feet of water on the floor. There } was the package, sitting on the bottom of my new lake. I reached } down and tore open the water-logged package. There, before my } stunned eyes, were my two tickets to the World Congress of } Psychiatry, in Hamburg. --- 1138-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle, sweeter than saccharine, > > I need to change my .plan file. Can you provide me with one? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Why bother. I mean, putting your plans for global domination, by } building an undersea fortress containing a doomsday bomb, in a } globally accessible file is not exactly smart, but James Bond } would have defeated you anyway. Why? } } (i) Posting hundreds of email messages directing people to } 'Make TNT Fast' is not exactly the best method of constructing } a doomsday bomb. } } (ii) It's bad enough taking a few minutes to describe your plans } to Mr Bond before you kill him. But, sitting him in front of } a screen while you construct a web site with shockwave and java } was a definite bad move. And let's not even go into sending Mr } Bond out for the Pizza and Mountain Dew. } } (iii) Perhaps you could have chosen just a *touch* less suspious } looking domain name than www.ruletheworld.com. } } (iv) Given the amount of time you spend stroking that cat, and } The fact that it has been given flea and/or worm treatment for } eight years meant that all Mr Bond had to do was stake out your } local pharmacist until he saw a customer walk in scratching himself } in embarrassing places. } } And finally; } } (v) Notice that splashing sound? Remember that $200,000 you paid } to consultants to make sure that your fortress was millenium } compatible? Remember their thin little moustaches and shifty } gazes? } } You owe The Oracle the explosives you collected. What? Two } soggy cap-gun caps and a one inch firecracker? --- 1138-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Great and Y2K compliant Oracle, since the whole Y2K thing turned out > to be a false alarm, what should I do with the 200 gallons of bottled > water and the 500 pounds of dried food? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You have three options here: } } 1) Save it for the binary millenium in 48 years time, when the world } really *will* end. } } 2) Feed it to those greedy woodchucks. Dried food first, then the } water. *Swell*.... *pop*. Heh. } } 3) Try and get your money back. Say that you wanted only 2 } gallons of bottled water and 5 pounds of dried food, and that some } kind of Y2K bug messed up your order. } } You owe the Oracle a blast-hardened concrete bunker, and some } of those freeze-dried strawberries. --- 1138-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hi Dr O, how's it been? > > Listen, I've got here a pensive caucasian male in his late twenties. > Vitals are OK, good breath sounds l.a. Reflexes normal, no loss of > sensory perception. Both funny bones missing. No medical history, no > known allergies. Complains of low levels of blood, phlegm, and bile, > lab tests not in yet. Occupied as a computer geek of some kind. > Would you admit him? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I don't know what you're talking about. I never saw him before, and } anyone who says differently is LYING!! Ahem. --- 1138-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ross Clement The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Howdy doodly doo, Mr. Oracle. The name's Talkie. Talkie Toaster. > Would you like some toast? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sigh... first the freakin' dancing hand-blender, and now this? I mean, } what's next... a singing refrigerator? What is it with interactive } appliances? If I wanted to talk to the things that cook my food, } I'd have kept my mother around. --- 1138-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most employable, > I know it's not hard to find work in this industry, but how did that > guy manage to get a job here? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Kendai? Zadoc here. } Who's next on the docket? } What's his last name again? } Uh-huh, got it. Yeah send him in. } } Ah, Mr. Brian Fred Zambi, is it? } Oh well, close enough. Please, have a seat. } Excuse me a second while I look over your resume. } Hmm. } Oh, and if I can offer you any refreshments, coffee, tea, soda ... } No, I don't have any PEZ. } What dispenser? } You mean the staple... I see. } No- No thank you. I, uh, I had some earlier. } Really? No, I didn't know they were tangy. } Ah, well, back to the matter at hand. Can you tell me a little about } your last job? } No, I'm not familiar with that. } } So, you created the speed bump? } } Oh, I see, well, that explains the treadmarks. } } So why did you leave your last job? } Hmm. } Really. } I see. } Really? } Yes, the jury certainly was lenient, weren't they? } } It says here that you graduated with a Masters in BioSciences. } Hmm? } Ah, yes, quite right. I did misread that. } So does this "Master" have a degree? } Yes, well, I may need to verify that, can I have his address? } Oh, I understand. } No, I'm sure I can find record of the incident at the morgue. } } Oh, one second while I take this call please. } } Oh man, it's the Head Cheese again. Wonder if it's serious or if he has } his head up his } Yes Oh Wise One, Knower of All Things and Employer in Good Standing. } The position? } No Most Exaulted One, it's still open. } Yes, we have been interviewing a lot of applicants, but none have proved } worthy of serving... } He did not have the degree you requested, oh Lord of... } She had minimal computer skills, Great Typer of ... } Dead, and had been for some time, Grand Embalm... } She was the one with the drooling problem, Wiper of... } She kept explaining herself and was quite annoying, Summoner of... } I am but a simple servant of your... } Yes, I know that you need... } Yes, I know it's quite urgent... } But if the candidates are not ... } No, I am NOT doing this to annoy you. } Yes, Quite urgent indeed, Oh Repeater of... } Right away, Grand Master of.. } Thank you, Merciful... } Absolutely, Thank you Oh Patient... } Hello? } And the horse you rode in on, Great Breaker of Wind! } } *Sigh* } } Acquitted right? } } Never found the body, right? } } } Congratulations, you're hired. } } } You owe the Oracle a W-2. --- 1138-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, i humbly ask how i might best slice a pineapple And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The best way is slightly counterintuitive and somewhat dependant upon } your chosen profession. } } If, for instance, you're a particle physisist working at Livermore } Labs, you obviously want to use the Really Big laser. The has two } additional benefits beyone the obvious: 1) the pineapple flesh is } cautorized thus preventing splatter and 2) you don't need to clean up } any silverware. Sadly the pineapple is sometime crushed down to the } approximate denisty of neutronium and cooled to the point that it turns } into an Einsetin-Bose condensate. } } If you're an Avionics Engineer, you need to dig out the Supersonic } Frozen Chicken Launcher that is used to test the impact resistance of } an F-15 cockpit. With a few minor monification, you'll have this thing } launching pineapples instead of frozen chickens. The befenits are } obvious and the results would even please Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. } The downside is that cleaning up the targert is a bitch. } } If you're a high powered stock broker unhindered by anything remembling } ethics or morals (Warren Buffet, Mike Milken, Ivan Boesky, etc, etc) } you'll need to purchase a controlling interest in Dupont. The } possibilities here are endless and all qualify as excellent. } } My personal favorite is to just use an old Japanese Katana. It's simple } and elegant, and it impressives the natives no end. --- 1138-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How does one go about avoiding digestion, while still getting funny > answers? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Take your cue from modern medicine -- use encapsulation! Simply } write a great question, and wrap it in a coat of old marmot pelts, } moldy scifi references, and stale in-jokes. These items are certainly } indigestible. A clever incarnation will recognize this strategy } and send a funny answer similarly coated. The incarnations who } aren't that clever... well, their answers weren't in any danger of } digestion anyway, were they? } } As for the priests, they're clever enough, but most of them have } had their own digestions ruined by a constant diet of the stale } materials previously mentioned. So they'll probably look away, } nauseated, before they have a chance to recognize the funny bits } encapsulated within. } } You owe the Oracle something -- anything! -- really fresh. --- 1138-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > what happens when i answer the question u send me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The supplicant who asked it resubmits question to me for a better } answer. --- 1138-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "BJ Backitis" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, larger and more important than the vastness of Outer Space, > tell me what happened to Y2K? I thought everything was supposed to > come crashing down, with electricity, telephones, banks, governments > and maybe even Oracles unable to function. You yourself probably would > not have been able to get enough volts to ZOT anyone, already. > > Yet here we are, with the numbers clicked over to 2000, and everything > is working normally. All my fears were wasted! What wnet wrong? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } } } Er, Hello? } } Is anybody there? } } Hmm, Where's everybody gone? The Oracluar Temple seems very quiet } today. I doubt if I'll even need to clean the place, no-one seems to } have made any mess at all. } } It looks like the Oracle has left his terminal on. Thats rather remiss } of one so wise. I've always wanted to have a go at one of these } questions!! Lets see what it says! } } > O Oracle, larger and more important than the vastness of Outer Space, } > tell me what happened to Y2K? I thought everything was supposed to } > come crashing down, with electricity, telephones, banks, governments } > and maybe even Oracles unable to function. You yourself probably } > would not have been able to get enough volts to ZOT anyone, already. } > } > Yet here we are, with the numbers clicked over to 2000, and everything } > is working normally. All my fears were wasted! What wnet wrong? } } Tsk Tsk Tsk, look at all the dusk on this keyboard! The Oracle } definately hasn't been here all day, his whizzing fingers would have } kept this baby dust free for sure. Now, where did I put that Mr } Muscle......... } } } } } } } } } } Ah thats better. } } Now, what have we here..... Y2K you say? Hmm, } electricity....hmmm...crashing down..... Oracles unable to function!!! } My God! Maybe thats what happenned!! The Oracle has been struck down! } No wonder its so quiet today. } } This has got to be contained, got to be kept under wraps. I dont want } to be resonsible for worldwide panic. Think dammit, think. } } Got it, } } Here is what I'll put:- } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } Nothing to worry about mate, er, Supplicant. (Ahem) } } Everthing is just fine here, Lisa, Og, Woodc***ks, questions, etc. } } See? } } } } Right. } } } } You owe the Oracle a new can of Mr Muscle } } Phew, that outta do it. Plus I really COULD do with a new can of Mr } Muscle. So much marble to polish round this place...... } } Hang On, I hear something..... } } Its the Oracle!!! } } "Now Now Arkon, you know you're not supposed to touch the Oracular } Terminal" } } Yes sir, sorry sir, but I thought you were gone. } } "Gone? Whatever gave you that idea? Truth of the matter is I just } couldn't handle answering another of those damned Y2K questions! } You should see them all! Will the world come to an end? Will the } banks all crash? Will I be able to find new batteries for my electric } can opener? Dont they realize that the millenium isn't until the } end of NEXT year? Fools! The queue has been clogged up with them for } weeks now. I just hought I'd go for a walk, clear my head and try to } hold off from ZOTTing them." } } "However, it seems that SOMEOME has decided to do my job for me. } Now, you KNOW the punishment for that, don't you Arkon?" } } Yes sir, Sorry s---ZOTT--- } } "Really, Good staff is so hard to find....."