From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Tue Feb 1 09:40:39 2000 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.28) id JAA16637; Tue, 1 Feb 2000 09:09:54 -0500 (EST) Date: Tue, 1 Feb 2000 09:09:54 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200002011409.JAA16637@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1146 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1146 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1146 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 1 Feb 2000 09:09:54 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1146 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1141 71 votes 7hsg3 15dvl 569mt 7giff bloe1 ihl96 bplc2 2etj7 0ezg6 7nii5 1141 3.1 mean 2.9 3.9 3.9 3.2 2.6 2.5 2.6 3.2 3.2 2.9 --- 1146-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ross Clement The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > > We here at the Society for the Promotion of Weird Pets have decided to > appeal to you to support one of the most underloved animals in the > world. We don't want you to send money, or to appear in a Public > Service Announcement. All we are requesting is that you keep this > letter in mind whenever you have cause to speak of, or recommend a > pet, to a supplicant. Please consider the plight of underloved animals > and focus on the good qualities of tapeworms. > > That's right, the tapeworm makes an ideal pet for all types of people. > Tapeworms do not mind whether their caregivers (the term we prefer to > the outdated "owner" or "host") live in apartments or houses. > Tapeworms love and depend on the people they live with, and in turn > they are quiet, courteous pets. They do not smell, or make noise, and > they are very clean. Actually, they're quite filthy, but you'd never > know! > > And best of all having a tapeworm means being able to eat as much of > anything that you want and never gaining a single pound! Think of it, > its a diet and a pet! > > So please consider this plea, and help the underloved tapeworm gain > its place as a pet everyone can live with. > > Sincerely, > > Willie Makit > President > Society for the Promotion of Weird Pets And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Willie, I thanks you for your heart rending plea for a warm and caring } attitude towards our symbiotic pals. I will graciously force tapeworm } infested vittles down the throats of my priests, Zadoc, Lisa, and all } the supplicants for the next twenty-four hours. Just glad to do the } little bit I can. } } You owe the Oracle a helping of instant macaroni and cheese mixed with } lots of Heinz Ketchup. --- 1146-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most fair and balanced, > > Why did CBS edit out Hillary Clinton being booed > at the Washington D.C. Millennium celebration? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, a Clinton being booed is hardly *new*, is it? } } But what CBS *also* edited out was how the multiple boo's happened to } form a specific chord, a chord which the Hillary android's brain } interpreted as a "KILL" command from her Templar controllers, causing } her to rip Janet Reno's arms off. The MIB's closed the whole area off, } got the android under control, and stapled Janet's arms back on } (Backwards - but nobody's noticed so far). } } As CBS is also part of the Templar crypto-fascist conspiracy, this } part of the film was inexplicably "lost". This sort of thing happens } all the time at CBS - like when the alien living in Bil Gates' nose } had a negative reaction to the banana cream pie and levelled two } Belgian city blocks with its radioactive fire-breath, or when they } hired David Letterman. } } Trust no one, supplicant. Except for the Internet Oracle. } } You owe the Oracle the microfilm proving that Dan Quayle is JFK's } Bizarro clone. --- 1146-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why the bread drop always in the butter side? Eh? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Try buttering only ONE side of the bread, then you might have more } luck. } } You owe The Oracle some money for jam. --- 1146-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce M. Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, should I continue to live with the woman that I'm > now with? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sure. It might be difficult for her to accept you as a corpse. She } might, for instance, have a sudden urge to bury you or incinerate you. } Of course, if that's your bag... } } You owe the Oracle a weekend at Bernie's place. --- 1146-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise, > > Why do people ignore the sure warning sign that an Urban > Legend is starting, the old "A friend of a friend told me.."? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Word has it that the sole reason is (and I heard this first hand from a } friend of mine who knows the hairdresser of the gardener who trims the } hedges for the production assistant that gets coffee for the accountant } that did the paperwork for the 1996 taxes of the guy who sold a 30' } sailboat to the husband of the woman who provided massage therapy for } the creator of the telephone answering machine message that told John } that Sarah really didn't want to see him any more on account of the } genital warts who heard it from the woman that scheduled his doctor's } appointment and knows first hand from listening to the subliminal } messages one can only hear by playing Kenny G. records backward at 78 } r.p.m.) that the faster news travels, the less coherent is becomes. } } You owe the Oracle two purebred, AKC-registered choking Doberman } puppies. --- 1146-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle most wise, who shaves with Occam's razor, > > One of the most common Internet success stories is that of a company > that provides a free service on the web, so they lose money for a > while, but eventually they attract enough users that some big company > (usually Microsoft) buys it for a huge amount of money. > > It just occurred to me that you're providing a free service, which has > attracted a large amount of users. Will you be selling out soon? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, first of all, it's not *exactly* a free service. I do turn a } small profit from those outlandish tribute requests. Which reminds me - } I haven't got that "Siegfried and Roy" tiger harness I asked you for } last time around. Let's get on that, shall we? (Yes, I know that Roy } is still wearing it...) } } Secondly, we haven't exactly attracted a large number of users. } Recent voting statistics suggest we really only have a small group } (about 75-80 max) of hard-core users. Even a penny-ante outfit like the } "Hamster Dance" does better than that. At this rate we're more likely } to be labelled a controlled substance than attract a big-money buyer. } } So, as a result, we're created an exciting NEW ORACLE WEBSITE, } at http://internet.oracle.kz/ (Okay, the "kz" is "Kazahkistan". } Long story). This new site will feature far more than just the } boring old Digest archives and priest bios. The NEW ORACLE WEBSITE } will feature: } } * The Oracle Personality Quiz! Answer a handful of seemingly } irrelevant questions and pidgeon-hole your psychological profile! } Are you a Priest, a Benevolent Oracle, a Grovelling Worm, or a } Neanderthal Injoke? Find out if YOUR preference is applicable in } today's corporate temple! } } * Download the 2000 Oracular Priest Calendar! Male and Female editions! } This month, find out what "Mr. January" Tim Chew does when he's } "snowed in"! Look out ladies! And for the guys, say hello to "Ms. } January" Julianna Avedon and a hot-tub full of "Nutella"! Mm mm! } } * Everybody's gonna love "The Zadoc Dance"! Hundreds of lovable, } zottable dancing Zadocs, shakin' their shakey things to a catchy little } tune by Philip Glass's evil twin sister Buttercup. They're soo CUTE! } Well.. in a physically repulsive sort of way... } } * Games galore! Everyone's favorite digestible gag, "Nethack in the } Oracle's Temple" comes to life! And for the "Quake" fans, try our } Shockwave version, "WoodQuake"! You're trapped in the temple and } surrounded by mutant woodchucks, armed only with a ZOTMaster 4000. } How many woodchucks would the Oracle frag if the Oracle could frag } woodchucks? About a cord a day, but come find out for yourselves! } [Note: only I'm allowed to play in "god mode". You understand.] } } That URL again, supplicants is http://internet.oracle.kz/ Visit our } sponsors, "Yuri's Yak Yurt" and "Yaks.com"! } } You owe the Oracle Steve Case's phone number. And the tiger harness. --- 1146-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > "We rarely hear the inward music > but we're all dancing to it nevertheless." > ~JalM-bluddM-nn Rumi And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This week only! The Innards Greatest Hits! } } Includes rarely heard tunes you've been dancing to } for years! } } * 'Lub dub lub dub' } } * 'Growlin' Tummy' } } * 'Hormones Afire' } } * 'Cognitive Dissonance' } } * 'Methane Pain' } } Here's what the experts say! } } Dr. Burnheart Kristen; When I first heard 'Lub dub' I was } standing over the opened chest cavity of 34 year old patient. } I'll never forget that moment. } } Dr. Lara Nudephotos; We all hop when 'Hormones Afire' kicks } in, we have no choice. } } Dr. Sigfile Fraud; Ja, da 'Cognitive Dissonance' rocks off } da chart in der intellectual speaking sofa manner, ja. } } Dr. Blowhard Stern; 'Methane Pain' is a flush of breath } aired in a stale dog sniff dog world. } } Order now! Listen to The Innards like you've never } listened to them before! } } You owe the Oracle a check or money order for $19.95, if } you act now you'll get a FREE Innards tee-shirt. Quantities } are limited. Order now. Makes a great gift! --- 1146-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "BJ Backitis" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Great Oracle, who has the knowledge to answer questions, the > power to ZOT idiots, and the difference-telling powers to tell the > difference, hear your humble supplicant's plea: > > A while back, everyone got all hyped up about this millenium-change > thing. Then some intelligent people rightly pointed out that the new > millenium starts in Y2K+1. The general reaction seems not to be: "Oh, > thank you for that correction; we'll postpone our celebrations," or > even "Yes, but the 3 big zeros everywhere are so much more impressive > than the fact that it's actually the new millenium." The reaction was, > "Who cares? Anyone who cares that much about this must be some kind > of loser nerd." > > How can people care so little about accuracy and how can I do my > part to make people see that not only was the celebration premature, > but that this was an error of the most grievous kind? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } } } THERE'S STILL HOPE Brought to you by the Church of Orrie of Latter } Day Supplicants } } } } Supplicant, I'm afraid I can't answer that question. You see, you're } being what is known in the psychological world as a "killjoy." } Come with me and we'll talk. } } } } I know you feel strongly about this, but you have to understand that } the year "2000" is as arbitrary as "Wednesday." There's no real reason } people shouldn't celebrate 2000. But you're intent on ruining the fun, } I see. } } Supplicant: No, it's not that I want to ruin fun, its that it's } incorrect! Can't they see that... } } Oracle: Now, now, don't deny it. You used to ban the Free Parking } pot, right? } } Supplicant: Yes! It wasn't in the rules! } } Oracle: And at camp, when you were 14, you told on the other boys } who were sneaking over to spy on the girls' camp, right? } } Supplicant: YES! There are lots of dangers in the woods at night... } they could've been hurt! I was just doing what was sensible! } } Oracle: Hey! It's ok! I understand! You needn't be ashamed of your } condition, many people suffer from it. Only recently with the Y2K thing } did we realize how severe the problem was. That's why we here at the } temple decided to launch the "Killjoy Fellowship Community," in the } hopes of bringing people like yourself back into the fold of normalcy. } } } } Supplicant: Wow. The entire building is one long hallway. } } Oracle: Yes, supplicant, that's right. This way, we can monitor all } of our projects at once. } } Supplicant: What're all these pieces of paper on this bulletin board? } } Oracle: Those are Tellme's I've received that all ask how we can } convince people that the new millenium hasn't started yet. } } Supplicant: *All* those people asked before I did? } } Oracle: Yes. Sad, isn't it? Of course, we have your other Tellme that } asks the same thing in different words up there as well. } } Supplicant } } Oracle: Anyway, if you'll come with me, I can show you what goes on } here at the KFC. } } } } Supplicant: Are they... } } Oracle: Yes. People who've spent years planning New Years parties } for January 1, 2001, only to have their fun pulled out from under } them a year early. } } Supplicant: But they're right! The rest of the world is wrong! } } } } Killjoy: 2001!! 2001! It's math! Come to my party! COME TO MY PARTY! } I'm all alone! } } Supplicant: I'm scared! } } Oracle: Don't worry, he can't see you. } } Supplicant: No, I mean... } } Oracle: I know. Come along, lets see the therapy room. } } } } Nurse: Now I'll show you a picture and you tell me if it's fun or not. } } Killjoy: Balloons, yes they're fun. Silly } hats, I guess they're fun. The NYE2000 at Times Square... } was ... rrrnnnnnggggg ... fffff fuuuuu... nnnnnnnn..... gaaaaaaah! } It's a lie! It's a lie! It's a year early you fools! It's... } } } } Supplicant: You're electrocuting him! } } Oracle: No, no, it's therapy to help him build up a mental block to } tell him that it's not nice to ruin people's fun with facts. Later, } when he wakes up, we'll read to him from one of the most fact-free } pseudo-science authors ever. } } Supplicant: Crichton? } } Oracle. Yep. Come along, let's meet some of our successful entrants. } } } } Reformed Killjoy #1: Orrie! We were just talking about you. } } Oracle: Really? I didn't know. } } } } Oracle: So Robbie, how's your sister doing? } } Reformed Killjoy #1: Well, she's keeping the baby from the one-night } stand with the rock star, and next week she's marrying that cabbie } she met last month who doesn't speak English. } } Supplicant: What? How are they supposed to... } } } } Oracle: Dave, I saw you got digested in 1145. } } Reformed Killjoy #3: Yes. #7. Thank you. And thank Tim. } } Reformed Killjoy #4: 1237 percent increase after taking over Microsoft. } Makes their stock jump 1237 points. He he. That was funny. } } Supplicant: But 1237 points isn't 1237 percent! You're idiots! } } Reformed Killjoy #1: Oh, Orrie! Did you sneak a new patient } on us and not tell us? } } Oracle: Aw, you caught me! } } Supplicant: What? I'm not staying! I have work tomorrow! I have things } to do! I... } } } } Supplicant: You can't do this! There're laws! People will notice } I'm gone! } } Oracle: Yes, but once your friends and family find out WHERE you've } gone, they won't complain. } } Reformed Killjoy #3: Yes supplicant Welcome. } } Reformed Killjoy #1: You'll soon be one of us... } } Supplicant: Gaaaaaaaaahhhh!!! } } } You owe the Oracle no more questions on this topic. --- 1146-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > > We here at the Society for the Promotion of Weird Pets have decided > to appeal to you to support one of the most underloved animals in > the world. We don't want you to send money, or to appear in a Public > Service Announcement. All we are requesting is that you keep this > letter in mind whenever you have cause to speak of, or recommend > a pet, to a supplicant. Please consider the plight of underloved > animals and focus on the good qualities of tapeworms. > > That's right, the tapeworm makes an ideal pet for all types of people. > Tapeworms do not mind whether their caregivers (the term we prefer > to the outdated "owner" or "host") live in apartments or houses. > Tapeworms love and depend on the people they live with, and in turn > they are quiet, courteous pets. They do not smell, or make noise, > and they are very clean. Actually, they're quite filthy, but you'd > never know! > > And best of all having a tapeworm means being able to eat as much of > anything that you want and never gaining a single pound! Think of it, > its a diet and a pet! > > So please consider this plea, and help the underloved tapeworm gain > its place as a pet everyone can live with. > > Sincerely, > > Willie Makit President Society for the Promotion of Weird Pets And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear ___ President Makit ___ , } } Thank you for your recent letter. We appreciate your interest in } the Oracle and all of his activities. } } In your letter, you specifically solicited the Oracle's aid in } promoting ___tapeworms___ to supplicants. As you may have guessed } by now, the Oracle receives an uncountable number of solicitations } each year regarding promotion of various products and/or services in } his magnificent replies, and the sheer number of such requests makes } personal replies impossible. } } Regarding your request to promote ___tapeworms___, we find we must } regretfully decline to grant your request for the following reasons: } } __x__ No grovel } _____ Exceedingly lame or insufficient grovel } __x__ Traditional bribe omitted } _____ Bribe submitted but insufficient } _____ Deals with w**dch*cks/lightbulbs/other lame jokes } __x__ Disgusting suggestion } _____ Hard to work into Oracular replies } _____ Boring suggestion } __x__ Recommended by Zadoc (who's really an idiot when it comes to } these things) } } If the above problems can be remedied, we would be happy to reconsider } your request at some future date. } } Again, we regret that we are unable to grant your request at this time, } but we value your continued interest in the Oracle. } } With kind regards, } } The Internet Oracle } } IO/kendai } } file:c:\corresp\formlet\reject.doc --- 1146-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wonderful Oracle who has knowledge of all cheeses, Oracle most wise > and worthy, Oracle who could be the answer to my troubles. > > Please help me, I'm in a bit of a pickle. On Sunday I need to move > out of my flat and move north to another flat. This entails packing > up all my stuff and trying to fit it into my car, then driving for > approximately three and a half hours to my new flat and unpacking. > However, even after a certain amount of preparation it looks like I > might have too much stuff. My car is a Ford Fiesta with a whopping > 957cc engine, and not a huge amount of space inside. So my multipart > question is this: > > Will I be able to fit all my stuff in my car? If so how? > > If it won't fit into my car what do I do? Get rid of stuff, or use > some other method to transport stuff? > > Or is there some other solution that hasn't even crossed my mind? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ford Fiestas are remarkable beasts. Rivalled only by the TARDIS by } their spatial capacity I have no doubts that you will be able to fit } all your stuff in. } } Here's what you want to do:- } } Push the passenger chair as far forwards possible. (If your car is } in as bad nick as some I've seen then the passenger chair should } be fully detachable. Throw it away to save space. I doubt you'll } be needing it as there are very few people willing to be seen in a } Fiesta these days....) } } Put the back seats down as far as they will go and then place your } largest, heaviest items across them. this will result in extra } squidging of the cushions, getting you an extra centimetre or two. } } Pack all your hard surfaced items like videos and books in at the } bottom of the car. then pack all the soft items like pillows and } clothes around the outside. If you really force them you'll be } surprised how many you can get in. } } Any long thin items like ironing boards and clothes dryers will slot } nicely down the back of your seat. } } Place any pets down inside your footwell. Not only will it be nice } and warm, but it will keep them amused on their journey by having to } dodge the pedals as you drive. } } If you don't mind losing a little performance you can always pack } really small items into the cylinders. It will take away some of } your powerful 957cc but I think the space gained will be worth it. } While you are under the bonnet you can strap other items to the } underside thus saving even more space. } } Shoes are always an unwieldy item to pack. To save space try stuffing } objects inside them, like hamsters, to utilise the space better. } } Carry any delicate items on your lap as, in the event of an accident, } the airbag will also protect them (but not your pets unfortunately) } } Lastly, have someone you know follow you along the motorway picking } up any items that may tumble out of your opened boot along the way. } } Oh! My Oracular synapses have just fired this corking idea into my } brain! Sign up for the AA Relay service a few days before embarking } upon your journey. Pack up the car as much as you can and then } do some almighty damage to the engine. Once Mr AA has turned up } he will be contractually obliged to tow you to your destination! } you then get a nice easy journey while someone else has to drive, } plus those AA vans have loads of space for any other items you were } not able to fit. If you throw a tenner his way he may also see fit } to helping you unpack. What a nice man. A very very nice man. } } Safe journey. } } You owe the Oracle one AA Road Atlas.