From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Sat Apr 8 11:35:58 2000 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.29) id LAA18480; Sat, 8 Apr 2000 11:14:51 -0500 (EST) Date: Sat, 8 Apr 2000 11:14:51 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200004081614.LAA18480@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1159 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1159 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1159 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sat, 8 Apr 2000 11:14:51 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1159 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1154 80 votes 2bupc 5nug6 6pza4 3gso9 bdpm9 9pvd2 8ioka 4mwg6 57gmu 7ppg7 1154 3.1 mean 3.4 2.9 2.8 3.2 3.1 2.7 3.1 3.0 3.8 2.9 --- 1159-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > None is so fierce that dare stir the Oracle up! > who then is able to stand before him not quaking > at the mere hint of a zot? > > Is fear more powerful than love? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, let's see: } } Fear makes you act differently than you normally would. So does love. } } Fear can make you focus on one thing, excluding all others. So can } love. } } Fear gives you sweaty palms and an odd feeling in your stomach. } So does love. } } Fear can make you wet your pants. As to love... there are newsgroups } about that sort of thing... } } Okay, this is quickly getting out of hand. In brief, fear and love } are merely two different faces of the same coin. } } You owe the Oracle a CD compilation of "The World's Greatest Fear } Songs". --- 1159-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Kirsten R. Chevalier" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, I recently heard the following on the radio: > "Before you pick a pet, you should know that a dog considers you to be > the boss, but a cat considers you to be staff." > > What about other pets? What does a rabbit, or a ferret, or an iguana, > or a Siamese fighting fish think about its owner? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Let's consider all of the options.... } } Dog: this actually depends solely on the dog, however the dog will } generally be very submissive in any case. Remember to treat the dog } well, however, or else it *will* eat you. } } Wolf: See Dog, but apply a zen nature to it. } } Cat: You are there as staff. Or a roommate. This hedonistic animal, } however, will submit to anything that it finds pleasurable. Remember, } cats have not forgotten that centuries ago, some tribes actually } worshipped them. } } Any rodent: you are a very large object that moves. } } Rabbit: Imagine a somewhat jumpy dog, no pun intended. Of course, it } can't eat you. } } Ferret: The ferret will see you and the couch and there's food in the } dish! and I gotta go to the bath-Woah! Look! A leaf! Holy smokes, what } is that light on the floor? Man, this sofa looks very tasty! *bonk* } OUCH! Why can't I go through this spot? I can see right through it! } Look! Another leaf! } } Iguana (or any other reptile): you are a warm tree that periodically } moves and makes sound. You might be dangerous, but I will only strike } if I can't see you. } } Siamese fighting fish: You are potential food. Now if we were only } bigger.... } } Other kinds of fish: you are a giant hand that drops food upon the } water surface. } } Abominable Snowman: Oh boy! A cute little human! I will fold you and } spindle you and call you George.... } } Supplicant, methinks the optimal pet for you would be a rock. } } You owe the Oracle some rock food. --- 1159-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Noel, noel, noel, noel... > > Er, how's the rest of the song go? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, Elian is not going home today, } } The first "No Elian" the Miami relatives did say } Was to lame media talking heads who repeat what they say; } On the News,the media, where they lied to the sheep, } Said on a cold day in hell will we let the dad his own kid keep. } } Noel, Noel, Noel,Noel } } No Elian is not going home today. } } You owe the Oracle some pre-ban cigars. --- 1159-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Twice Born Oracle, pal of The Blue One and he who taught Ganesha > how to write, > > What if I don't want to be reincarnated? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Like you have a choice in the matter! Foolish supplicant! Reistance is } futile, you will be reincarnated. Now you do have some options as to } what you will be reincarnated as. Unfortunately your karma is so low, } that you don't really get to decide, we'll just throw two six sided } dice and consult the table "low or negative karmatic reincarnations" } here in the book... } } 2 Worm. The kind that gets squished by young children playing } in mud puddles. } } 3-4 You are reincarnated as an ashtray in a small midwestern town } diner. Hope you aren't allergic to smoke... } } 5-6 Pot of petunias. Location of pot may be suboptimal to long term } viability. (roll again) } } 7-8 Sperm whale. Location of reincarnation may be suboptimal to long } term viability. (roll again) } } 9-11 A Furby owned by a dyslexic child. A classic race against time } to teach the child about 'responsibility', (don't leave the toy } Mommy got you out in the rain) before you come back to roll on } this table again. } } 12 Human, but your only access to the net is through AOL over a } 2400 baud modem. (might as well roll again and hope for the worm) } } You owe the Oracle a new set of dice --- 1159-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great Oracle, who outdates even the mighty Colecovision, > > I've been busy playing Super Mario Brothers 2 and 3, but I'm concerned; > When little Mario and Luigi die, they just fall off the screen. Where > do they go? Are there a lot of them piled up somewhere? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You aren't supposed to know this, but when Mario and Luigi fall off the } screen, they go to a strip bar in Chicago, Illinois, get smashed on } martinis, and crawl back to the beginning of the game where they wait } until you're ready to play again. "Sometimes," says Luigi, "it's a } bitch being super and all." Mario appends, "yeah, but the chicks dig } us." } } You owe the Oracle another entry in the epic "Things I Was Better Off } Not Knowing." --- 1159-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, Sport of The Universe, Goalie of Knowledge, Referee of > Wisdom, You Who has Never Been in the Penalty Box of Life, > > What new kinds of pets will we see in the new millennium? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A very good -- and timely -- question! } } You see, a sudden viral plague will wipe out the world's population } of cats and dogs in just a few months (about two months shy of the } start of the Third Millennium [where applicable; void where } prohibited by Judaic, Islamic or Chinese calendars]). } } Realizing that cows' docile nature would qualify them as excellent } replacements for the vanished pets, scientists genetically engineer } them to be smaller (about the size of a large greyhound), give them } actual hands with opposable thumbs, increase their intelligence, } and market them as the ideal pets (and domestic laborers). } } Several years later, a circus owner, having hidden away and raised } a calf born of two bovines from the future who traveled back to the } year 2000 (accidentally bringing with them a viral plague which } wipes out all cats and dogs), will bring his ward into a major } city, where the two will be separated by the apprehension of the } circus owner by fascist cops. } } Mistaken for a common pet, the calf will be captured and herded } into a training center where he will be taught to do the menial } tasks assigned to young bulls -- but he will organize a revolt } which will turn society upside down, with bovines the dominant } species, keeping humans as pets and laborers (except for Gary } Larson, whom they will consider the only intelligent human). } } And then the apes, still chafing from the *last* time their noble } history was so savagely parodied and perverted, will kill everyone, } cow and human alike, and in the interest of safety, resurrect the } "Pet Rock" fad, forbidding all other pets. And if they ever catch } a rock speaking, then it will quickly meet with the business end } of a pickaxe. Ook. } } You owe the Oracle a banana. --- 1159-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle, who invented capitalism, > > What do you do about copyright infringers of yours like > (http://www.searchgateway.com/shopping.htm)? Does Stephen B Kinzler > take care of stuff like that for you? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, I consider legal action to be beneath me. } } Whenever some company decides to use my name to sell their } products, I merely instruct my Supplicants to place phony } orders, using fake names, addresses and credit cards, until } the company is driven out of business due to the shipping } and return charges. } } And then I use the Wand of Tonker Removal to make the usurpers' } genitalia fall off. } } But I don't bother with a lawsuit; that's just a petty act of } retribution. --- 1159-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Yes, but is it Art? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Look. If Marcel Duchamps can stick a toilet on a pedestal and } call it sculpture, and John Cage can compose a work consisting } entirely of rests and call it music, then I can damn well show } a collection of ZOT burns and call it art. } } Now, will you give me space in your gallery, or would you like } to contribute to the collection? --- 1159-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce M. Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > [][][][][] > [][][][][] > [][][][][] > [][][][][] And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } *looks down.. frowns a bit* } } Look, I appreciate your sending the box of chocolates supplicant, } but would you mind leaving some for me next time? } } You owe the Oracle a fresh box of chocolates. --- 1159-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce M. Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most erudite, unencumbered by a need for errata due to your > perfect nature you are my exclusive source of enlightenment. I > worship you and the horse you rode in on. . . > > If animals voted who would be their ruler? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The inchworm, of course. } } You owe the oracle half a crown.