From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Sun May 21 10:45:03 2000 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.29) id KAA24955; Sun, 21 May 2000 10:22:21 -0500 (EST) Date: Sun, 21 May 2000 10:22:21 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200005211522.KAA24955@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1165 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1165 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1165 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sun, 21 May 2000 10:22:21 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1165 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1160 80 votes 5kzc8 3hzk5 3gtn9 3itm8 7frm9 8nnm4 2jyj6 3psi6 7jtl4 3lmoa 1160 3.1 mean 3.0 3.1 3.2 3.2 3.1 2.9 3.1 3.0 3.0 3.2 --- 1165-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, most wise, who cannot bring himself to laugh at a stand up > comic asking "Why are they laughing at me?" > > Why do some of your incarnations use emoticons? I find that it breaks > mimesis, and makes the answer undigestable. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } _| _| _| } _| _| _|_|_| _|_| } _| _| _| _| _| _| _| } _| _| _| _| _| _| _| } _| _| _| _| _|_| } } _|_|_| _|_| } _| _|_|_| _| _|_| _|_| _|_|_| _| } _| _| _| _|_| _|_|_|_| _|_| _|_| } _| _| _| _| _| _|_| } _|_|_| _|_|_| _| _|_|_| _|_|_| _| } } _| } _| } _| _| } _| } _| } _| _| } _| _| --- 1165-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Commanding and masterful is the Oracle, he knows more about > everything than anyone, > > How does a static crisis differ from a kinetic crisis? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } By the potential to create the momentum for an instantaneous change. } } You owe the Oracle to include more force in your supplications, to help } clean up this mass. --- 1165-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great Oracle, please indulge me a minute to quote a bit of > text, (Pausanias Description of Greece 7.19.6 to be exact;) > > When Troy was captured, and the Greeks divided the spoils, > Eurypylus the son of Euaemon got a chest. In it was an image of > Dionysus, the work, so they say, of Hephaestus,. . . Eurypylus > opened the chest, saw the image, and forthwith on seeing it went > mad. ... Going up to Delphi he inquired of the oracle about his > illness. They say that the oracle given him was to the effect that > where he should come across a people offering a strange sacrifice, > there he was to set down the chest and make his home. > > Wow, an image of Dionysus that drives people insane, scary stuff. > Where is that accursed chest now? What exactly was the image? > If it is safe to ask... > > I thank you and offer you this tripod of silver in tribute for > having allowed me so much of your time already Noble One. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } XENA: WARRIOR PRINCESS } } "GET IT ALL OFF YOUR CHEST" } } BEGIN TEASER } } FADE IN: } } EXT - A PATH THROUGH THE FOREST - DAY } } [Xena and Gabrielle come into view, following the path. Xena is leading } Argo, as usual. Gabrielle is reading from a scroll.] } } GABRIELLE } "...Reader, I married him. The end." [she rolls up the scroll] What do } you think? Good, huh? } } XENA } Needs work. } } GABRIELLE } Ooh! You always say that! } } [Xena stops suddenly and holds up her hand.] } } XENA } Shush! } } GABRIELLE } It's my best epic yet. What's wrong with it then? } } XENA } [listening intently] Ambush. Ten - no, twelve soldiers. } } GABRIELLE } Don't change the subject. } } [With a roar, twelve soldiers leap out from the trees and bar their } way. Their Leader advances on Xena, sword drawn.] } } LEADER } We hear you're planning to tangle with our warlord, Xena. } } XENA } You've got sharp ears. } } GABRIELLE } Butt out, goons! We're having a literary discussion here! [to Xena] I } asked, what's wrong with it? } } [With a war cry, the soldiers attack. Usual mayhem ensues. While } clobbering the soldiers, Xena and Gabrielle continue arguing.] } } XENA } I didn't say there was anything wrong with it... [she knocks a soldier } head over heels] I just think it's a bit... [high kick flattening a } soldier with each foot] A bit derivative, that's all. } } GABRIELLE } Derivative! [she deals a soldier a blow to the head with her staff] My } work? Derivative? [five more blows to the same soldier, who collapses] } How can you say such a thing! } } XENA } Well, it sounds rather like... [backwards kick to hit a soldier coming } up behind her in the crotch] Like that friend of yours, Homer. } } GABRIELLE } Of course it does! [sweeps the legs out from under a soldier and kicks } him as he falls to the ground] Homer learnt everything he knows about } epic composition from me! } } XENA } Why do you always ask me for my opinion if you don't... [with a shriek, } she leaps into the air, somersaults over a charging soldier and gives } him three kicks before landing on her feet behind him and sending him } flying with an uppercut] If you don't want to hear it? } } GABRIELLE } Have you ever heard of a little thing called tact? Or diplomacy? Now if } you'd only said... } } [She advances furiously on the last standing soldier, staff held above } her head to strike him.] } } SOLDIER } I liked it. } } GABRIELLE } [hesitating] Really? } } SOLDIER } I only heard the end as we were lurking in the undergrowth, but I } thought it was really... gripping. Like a Jeffrey Sagittarius novel. } } GABRIELLE } You're not just saying that? } } SOLDIER } Could you give me an autographed copy? } } [Xena comes up behind the soldier and gives him the death pinch. He } starts choking.] } } XENA } Crawler. } } GABRIELLE } Hey! You cut off the supply of oxygen to his brain while he was telling } me how good my story was! } } XENA } I want information. } } GABRIELLE } So do I! [to Soldier] What did you especially like about it? } } SOLDIER } Do - you - mind - if I answer - her questions [indicating Xena] - } first? } } XENA } Who's your warlord? } } SOLDIER } Pokemos. } } XENA } Why does he think I'm after him? } } SOLDIER } [beginning to turn blue] He has a lead - on the whereabouts of - of the } chest of Eurypylus. He thinks you'll try - to stop him. } } XENA } Pokemos! What's the matter with that man? Why is he always trying to } get his hands on these mythical treasures? } } SOLDIER } Gotta - catch - 'em all. If it's not - too much trouble...? [he points } at his neck] } } XENA } Oh, all right. } } [She stabs her fingers into the Soldier's neck again. Released from the } death pinch, he sinks to the ground, gasping.] } } GABRIELLE } What's this chest of Eurypylus? } } XENA } It contains an image of Dionysus, said to drive men mad if they look } upon it. Could be a pretty powerful weapon. } } GABRIELLE } So where is it now? } } XENA } The Delphic oracle told Eurypylus to take it to where he saw people } offering a strange sacrifice. A tribe called the Bobbiti in northern } Etruria do the strangest sacrifices I know of. Come on, we're going } there. } } [They collect their things. The Soldier sits up, shaking his head.] } } GABRIELLE } Drives men mad, huh? What does it look like? } } XENA } Jar Jar Binks. } } [She starts to lead Argo off. Gabrielle helps the Soldier up and leads } him off, following Xena.] } } GABRIELLE } What would you say were its strong points? } } SOLDIER } Narrative cohesion. Dramatic impact. The way the plot builds skilfully } up to a shattering denouement... } } FADE OUT: } } END TEASER } } ROLL OPENING CREDITS --- 1165-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, Oracle, you're really it! In comparison to you, I'm nothing > but... eeerrrr... in comparison to you I'm a pile of - no, no, that > won't do... Anyway, I'm not very good, ok? Right. > > Anyway, I was wondering. What with the internet, and mobile phones, > and now the internet on mobile phones, what's going to be the next big > leap in technology? I'm only asking because I have some spare money, > and I'm looking for good stock options. I you would gift me with > knowledge in this matter, I'd worship at your feet all day, no matter > how smelly they are! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The next big thing is this: Hand your stash of cash over to one of } several research firms working to make time travel a reality. } Admittedly, they will burn most on research, but you will have their } assurance that upon completion of the project, they will spread the } value of investors' accounts inconspicuously amongst a number of } securities with considerable growth prospects. They haven't worked out } whether you will receive an unusually large check in the mail the next } day or simply vanish and re-materialize on a tropical beach, umbrella } drink in hand, or whether the person you have always known as yourself } will "die" in a sense, replaced by a wealthier version. Does it } matter? The old you wasn't rich! } Other benefits include: } - Mysterious, stern agents from the future who coerce your younger self } to learn a musical instrument. } - Amaze your 70s friends with a digital watch! } - Find out in advance "who you really are" so that you can avoid those } experimental incidents in college you'd rather forget about. } - Get back the time you spent watching "The Horse Whisperer." It's } more valuable than money. } } You owe the Oracle the addresses where each of the Backstreet Boys } lived as childen, and a Terminator. --- 1165-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > 2+2=5? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Close! Keep trying. You _CAN_ do it! } } You owe the Oracle fewer questions from America until they get a } handle on public education once again. --- 1165-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence (lawrence.4@osu.edu)" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > double SubmitQuestion( COmnipotentBeing *Oracle, const char *Question, > CString *OracularAnswer ) > { > int ii = 0; > double Wittiness = 0.0; > CString RequestedTribute; > > ASSERT ( Oracle->mWisdom > REALY_REALLY_WISE ); > > while ( ii < MAXINT ) > { > PerformReallyObsequiousGrovel( Oracle, OPT_SELF_DENIGRATION ); > ii++; > } > > RequestedTribute = SubmitQuestion( Oracle, Question, > OPT_NO_WXXDCHXCKS, OracularAnswer ); > > if( Wittiness = EvalOracularity( &OracularAnswer ) >= WITTY ) > { > OfferTo( Oracle, UNDYING_THANKS, &RequestedTribute ); > } > else > { > ResubmitQuestion( Oracle, Question ); > } > > return( Wittiness ); And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } // This function returns "1" if a question, q, has been rejected } // by the Incarnation. } } #include } } int RejectQuestion ( Question q, Supplicant s ) } { } // FIXME: we need more reasons to reject questions } } if(IncarnationIsSleepyAndWithoutCaffeine } && IncarnationDoesNotWantToDebugCodeRightNow) } { } if( (s.GeekLevel > MAX_GEEK_THRESH) && q.WRITTEN_IN_C) } { } // supplicant should fix his own code, or make the CVS tree } // public. } zot(s); } get_caffeine(); } return 1; } } } } } } } return 0; } } } } /* } Sorry, buddy, it appears you're out of luck. You have several } microseconds before the zot() function executes, so it would be in your } best interest to get out of the way. Ah, the good graces of open source. } */ --- 1165-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Let maidens raise a joyous shout for the house of Oracle with > songs of triumph at his Wit! His Wisdom! Amidst these shouts > let the voices of men be heard in one accord, lift a paean, > cry aloud sister, cry aloud brother, Oracle! Oracle! Oracle, > most wise!!! > > Do any of the deities vacation on other planets? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Of course! It is a rare and rather backward deity who does not avail } himself of the broadening experience that travel provides. The } chance to view fresh horizons, breath new and corrosive } atmospheres, perhaps have a summer fling or two with some new } worshippers. } } On this last note I'm reminded of an anecdote. You may have heard } certain people talk about a bloke by the name of Baal who caused } something of a stir a millennia or so ago. Baal was just such a } vacationer - he originally hailed from somewhere west of Deneb. He } held his planet's War and Fertility Portfolio - a real go-getter, one } of these up-and-coming types who work hard and like to commit a few } excesses when kicking back abroad. } } It wasn't that long after I was thrown off Olympus - a fairly typical } example of Zeus over-reacting, this time about one of his favourite } horses and a package of noodles - that I ran into Baal at Horus's } summer house. I'd been knocking about at loose ends for a while, and } had been staying with my cousin Loki in Asgaard. Odin's temper seemed } to be reaching a boiling point, so Loki wrangled us an invitation from } his darts partner to come see the splendour of the Nile. Baal had } just blown in himself, having met Horus in a pub in Australia. He'd } been having quite a time down there - the continent was devoid of any } animal life until Baal got to it. Next time you find yourself } wondering why kangaroos bear an uncanny (and unflattering) resemblance } to the Ocean God of Deneb IV, remind yourself that he's Baal's uncle. } } Anyways, Loki and I hit it off with Baal immediately. Within an } evening we had Horus's other guests clucking their tongues in } disapproval, and after two days they were writing strongly worded } letters to Ra-Aton about the matter. In my own defense, it was all } just youthful High Spirits. Who after all hasn't wished he could lob a } pyramid off an older relative's forehead? } } But Baal was looking for stronger stuff. He wanted one of these summer } flings I mentioned - start a fly-by-night cult, revel in the orgiastic } worship until the passion ebbed, and then pack up and head back to the } grind fully refreshed and ready to settle down for a bit. I advised } him the place to do this was the Middle East. The Greater Palestine } area was just filled with supple young mortals willing to bow down and } adulate the first being who appeared in a cloud of sulphur and said } "What ho!". By the carnal gleam in Baal's eyes I could tell I had } struck a chord. The next morning he packed his bags and was Canaan } bound. } } Of course, most students of the Old Testament have an idea of how the } thing turned out. Baal ended up running afoul of that old fathead } Yaweh, and Yaweh responded by arranging some fiery stuff for Baal's } priests. He (Baal that is) took off with his tails between his legs } and hasn't come back since. I've spent many a happy weekend at his } place in Deneb, as has Loki, but he still quails at the thought } of returning to old man Yaweh's stomping grounds. Not even a bottle of } my best Olympian ambrosia will lure him back to Earth, even for a } weekend. } } Ah, the indiscretions of youth, what? Think I'll call him up and } wrangle myself an invite for Midsummer. } } You owe the Oracle your unadulterated worship. If just for the } weekend. --- 1165-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because. } } Because no-one told him not to. } } Because he could. } } Because it was just bad luck. } } Because he thought it was a good idea at the time. } } Because, on the island of Sumatra last August 23rd, a butterfly flapped } its wings one extra time. } } Because your mother went to a party in her senior year in high school } and just happened to meet a young man on liberty from the Marine Corps, } who she fell in love with and married. } } Because in the fall, chlorophyl is removed from the leaves by the trees, } which allows the natural color of the leaves to be seen. } } Because people get tired and need time to rest. } } Because they love each other. } } Because there are very few things in the world that are permanent. } } Because it's traditional. } } Because brass gets dull-looking when it's exposed to air, so it needs to } be polished every once in a while. } } Because kitties don't live as long as people. } } Because the "y" in "ye" is actually a Germanic letter called a "thorne" } which is pronounced like a "th". } } Because the book of Isiah was actually written by at least three people. } } Because water evaporates and goes up into the air and makes clouds. } } Because she loves you very much. } } Because a new tooth is coming in, soon. } } Because ducks are lighter than water, but fish are heavier. } } Because there are starving people in Ethiopia. } } Because there are some bad people in the world. } } Because they choose to be. } } Because there are also many, many good people in the world. } } Because they choose to be. } } Because they would rather be good than bad. } } Because they just do. } } Because I love you. } } Because. Just because. } } You owe the Oracle a good-night kiss. --- 1165-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce M. Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The End? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [Roll Credits] } } T.I. Oracle ............................. John Lithgow } Lisa ................................ Heather Locklear } Zadoc ................................... Hilary Swank } Og ..................................... Charlie Sheen } Game Show Host ....................... Wink Martindale } Zotted Supplicant #1 ................... Norm McDonald } Zotted Supplicant #2 ................. Darrell Hammond } Matchstick Girl ..................... Lara Flynn Boyle } Coat Rack In Bar ................... Calista Flockhart } Obnoxious Bar Patron ................... Regis Philbin } Gratuitous Nudists .................... Angelina Jolie } Elizabeth Berkeley } Anna Nicole Smith } Lisa's Pony (Front Half) ................... Carrottop } Lisa's Pony (Back Half) .................... Gallagher } Religious Nut .......................... John Travolta } Extras provided by ............... Soylent Green, Inc. } Food catered by ......................... Krispy Kreme } Animals trained by ...................... Staff of Zot } Incidental music by .................... Phillip Glass } Accidental music by ................... Britney Spears } Weather reports courtesy of .................. L. Nino } Gaffer .............................. Thomas Pinkerton } Gaffer's Tape .................... William P. Ducttape } Best Boy ........................... Haley Joel Osmont } Worst Boy .......... That kid from the Star Wars movie } Overexposure provided by .............. Angelina Jolie } } Directed by .............................. T.I. Oracle } Based on the screenplay by ............... T.I. Oracle } Produced by .............................. T.I. Oracle } } An Oracularitous Production } (c)MM by Oracularitous Productions, Ltd. } } You owe the Oracle a tub of popcorn and a second screening. --- 1165-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great Oracle, father of Isis, > > I accidentally punched my cat in the nose, again! What's going to > happen now that I've violated my kitty court probation? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } My lawyer told, as I was later to find -all- my lawyers would } tell me, to hold my tongue in the presence of The Cat Judge. } This gave me pause, but on with the tale. } } The Court of Kittendom was what my lawyer told its full title } was, I was never sure. It looked like a standard court room, } a high desk for the lord, a jury box to hold the complainants'(!) } peers, two low benches (with horribly splintered legs all } around)- the table nearest the jury box for the prosecutor kitty, } the far one for my lawyer and I. } } "Errrrrroooow!" screeched a large tom in a cop like uniform. } My lawyer nudged me and hissed, "That means all rise". So I } rose. As did my lawyer. And the twelve cats in the jury box. } A jury I didn't like the looks of, dirty, notched eared feral } street cats, most of them tabbies, one a black and orange } calico. Later I was to learn they were litter mates. } } The Cat Judge was a huge, I mean HUGE as in overfed, waddling } Seal Point. The galley was packed with Manx and Russian blues } and Assyrians and one very fetching Persian. The prosecutor } was a sinister Havana Brown with a krinked tail and a white } mitten on its left hind. } } The Brown approached the Podium and started into it, "Errow! } Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrow! Hiss, hiss, spit! } Erooooooooooooooooooow! Errrrr! HISS!" } } The place went wild and soon they all took up the Brown's } lead! "Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrow! Hiss! Spit! Errooow! } Errrrrrrrrrrrrroooow! Hiss! SPIT! Hisssss! Errooooowwww!" } } It was deafening. } } My lawyer leaned forward as he patted his briefcase and } whispered to me, "A friend of a friend of mine told me } that he heard about a guy that got away once by rolling } a ball of yarn across the courtroom. They all chased it } as the defendant bolted off to freedom." } } I stared at my lawyer in disbelief. } } "And that's what I got here in my briefcase, a ball of } bright red Rayon Chenille. Want to try it?" } } "Surely that won't work." } } "I doubt it myself, but I've always wanted to try it." } } I looked about the loud room, the hate filled diamonds } of their vile kitty eyes glinted out malice from under } shuttered lids. Their pin-pointed teeth bared, their } tails a twitching, claws being retracted and then let } out in a slow deliberate manner. No, the yarn idea } was not a good one. } } Then the noise stopped. } } I looked up. } } My lawyer stood and said, "Yes your Honor". Then } he sat back down and leaded over towards me. } } "Bad luck old boy, you're being sent to the Isle } of Sand to work in the litter mines." } } An old cat in the back hacked up a furball.