From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Mon Jun 12 17:42:20 2000 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.29) id RAA20007; Mon, 12 Jun 2000 17:20:42 -0500 (EST) Date: Mon, 12 Jun 2000 17:20:42 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200006122220.RAA20007@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1167 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1167 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1167 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 12 Jun 2000 17:20:42 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1167 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1162 80 votes 5rve3 2nze6 enng4 dlpi3 cbks9 6hyg7 dipi6 3lsk8 9hikg 68ftm 1162 3.0 mean 2.8 3.0 2.7 2.7 3.1 3.0 2.8 3.1 3.2 3.7 --- 1167-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wisest Oracle, shiny path of both Peru and Finland, > > Would an alien race that is NOT mammalian and primate in > nature have "religion" as we understand it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } Alien 1: Bah wheep grannah wheep, ninnie bong... } } } } Alien 1: ...just don't know anymore. I mean, what does it all really } mean? } } Alien 2: What the hell are you talking about? } } Alien 1: No really, since we gained space-faring capacity twenty-seven } solar cycles ago, we've visited, what, twenty, thirty civilized } sentient species? And we've conquered and eaten all of them. Sure, } it's a great life, but is this all there is to it? } } Alien 2: Whoa dude, I think you should just pass me the pipe man } because that's enough for you. } } Alien 1: C'mon. You can't tell me you haven't thought about it. } You've heard the creatures crying out to invisible beings before we } eat them. Didn't you ever wonder why? } } Alien 2: Insanity is the predominant trait among sentients. We're the } exception, you know that. } } Alien 1: No, listen. I've been running some of the tapes through the } computer and I'm pretty sure they believe in some sort of all-mighty } spirits. They believe these spirits are their creators and protectors. } } Alien 2: What?? The Universe exists in a black hole created in another } universe from really dense matter defecated by a dying Fthnargian } Carrion Bird. It's been mathematically proven. } } Alien 1: But what if we're wrong? What if there is a creator? How can } so many species believe in a higher power if it's not true? Take this } planet we're surveying now, they've got over 1100 seperate religions! } I've been translating their communications! } } Alien 2: What?! You're nuts! For all we know that species could be } insane and their madness could be contageous! } } Alien 1: No! They're not mad! They have many powerful deities! } They have Jesus, and Buddha, and Regis, and Ghandi, and something } called the Inter-collective Computer Network Oracle... } } Alien 2: Look, all those "deities" are probably nothing more than } glorified politicians. I bet most of them are just war heroes elevated } to an honored memory. } } Alien 1: You think so? } } Alien 2: I'd put money on it. I bet this Ghandi person was ruthless } tyrant who conquered and slaughtered billions. } } Alien 1: Wow. He sounds great. } } Alien 2: Besides, we're scheduled to descend on this planet in two more } cycles. They'll all be eaten and you'll forget about this whole thing. } } Alien 2: I guess you're right. But, when we descend, I got dibs } on "Regis." } } } } } You owe the Oracle an anatomical digest of the green chicks from } Star Trek. --- 1167-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Kirsten R. Chevalier" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Have I ever told you about the pure, unmitigated hate I have for one > liners? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Did I ever tell you about the supplicant who was so fat he jumped into } the water in Florida and a beach flooded in Morocco? } } You owe the Oracle a better try. If you're going to get digested you } better hurry up, time's running out Mr. Hope. --- 1167-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most Wise Oracle, you are older that the Elder ones, you > are swifter than a fax, you are smarter than all the things > yet born, > > How will Micro$oft's relocation to Canada affect things? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } MICROSOFT TO BUY CANADA } Experts Predict Legal Trouble Over Monopoly on Eskimos } } Redmond, WA (AP)-- } In a bold move yesterday, Microsoft (symbol: MSFT) CEO Steve Ballmer } announced his company's plans to acquire Canada, "a leader in the } socialized medicine and hockey industries," according to Microsoft's } press release. However, industry insiders predicted more trouble for } the embattled software giant in the form of additional attacks from the } US Department of Justice. DOJ spokesperson John McAnklesworth outlined } an interesting proposal in a press conference late yesterday. } "The existing plan to break Microsoft up will be modified to take into } account their new monopolies on polar bears and surly Quebecois. This } will most likely involve a breakdown into a total of five 'Baby-Bills,' } as we like to call them, ha-ha." } In a retaliatory press conference set for tomorrow, Ballmer is expected } to attack these measures as "anti-innovation" and "bad for business." } Janet Reno could not be reached for comment, but an alert photographer } with a telephoto lens took a picture of her in her office with an } ear-to-ear grin and slavering, apparently in anticipation of her next } strike against Microsoft, while watching the press conference. } } You owe the Oracle Sam Donaldson's toupee in exchange for this fine } piece of journalism. --- 1167-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise Oracle Most Extraordinary & Whimsical, > > Is synchronized swimming really a sport? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } More than some, Supplicant. Athena and Zeus got blotto once at one of } Dyonysus' legendary Olympian Games parties, and she started complaining } about them being all-male affairs and that women could do just as well } given the chance, and Zeus said he'd see what he could arrange, but } hold your hounds, ok? } } Remember, the athletes were all men. They competed naked. Athena was } the first goddess who had complained... } } ...and Zeus was always complaining. But believe me, if you were a top } god with a one-track mind married to a goddess like Hera, you'd be } complaining, too. It got to be embarassing after a while - the Romans } even made a sitcom called Capitol Affairs out of it that had Juno } declaring that Jove was a difficult Canem to keep on the Porticum. } } The plan for this new Olympian trial-sport eventually foundered when } the water-nymphs decided not to take part. They weren't exactly famous } for their modesty, even in a place where a wisp of } strategically-located gauze was standard formal dress for } upwardly-mobile young godesses, but drew the line at spending 10 } minutes waving their legs in the air for spectators to appreciate their } skills, if you see what I mean. } } You owe the Oracle a campaign on late evening TV chatshows to return } the Olympic Games to its roots, ie, Greece, and naked. With } synchronised swimming at prime time. --- 1167-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, most insightful, what was the worst movie ever made? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "Beloved." } } Now, don't get me wrong. I have nothing against Toni Morrison, nothing } against Oprah Winfrey or any other high- or low-profile names that } attempted to grace the screen with their presence. But under no } circumstances whatsoever should this film have been made. Consider the } formula they used: } } Read book ---> Thought it was good ---> Wrote script ---> Forgot that } few others have read book ---> Test audiences who had read book liked } it ---> hit box office ---> bomb makes direct hit; box office sinks. } } In other words, anyone who hadn't picked up a copy of the text found } themselves at a complete loss, and ended up apologizing to anyone they } happened to bring along. As such, it has now become a world-wide } recognized measure of how bad a movie is. Example: } } "'Wing Commander' _sucked_!" } "As bad as 'Beloved'?" } "Well ... no ... compared to 'Beloved', 'Wing Commander' is } Shakespeare." } } Just be glad that "Beloved" as accomplished three things: } } 1. Ended Oprah Winfrey's film career for quite some time } 2. Has provided a planetary measure of failure. } 3. Is also the worst movie in the history of the known universe, so } that's one more thing that's out of the way, and now humanity can } concentrate on the more important things in life, like ... er ... } something more important. } } You owe the Oracle a good quantifier for #3. --- 1167-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, Whose soggy leftover cereal is greater > than I, a most unworthy supplicant, Whose toenail clippings > hold more wisdom than any mortal could ever dare even > dream of attaining, at whose presence the lights in the > room dim, What, oh Oracle most awesome and wise, is your > system archetecture, whether Intel, or Alpha, or other, more > arcane chip? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Do not bother me with that simple Intel or Alpha crap. My system } architecture uses the very fundamental forces of the universe! } I can not wait for those huge, lumbering electrons to plod their way } along, instead my chips use the subatomic particles released by } splitting the nucleus. I use none other then fission chips! } } You owe the Oracle some tartar sauce. --- 1167-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise Oracle most acrid and trim, > > How can I die happy? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } First you need to catch him. You're in luck because Happy is the most } heavy-set of the dwarfs; therefore, with a little bit of tinkering you } should be able to set up a deadfall trap that will trigger under his } weight but not under the weight of the other, smaller dwarves. } } Transporting him from the trap to the dye vat could pose a problem--the } dwarfs tend to stick together, and are pretty determined in getting } each other out of trouble. The easiest solution--rather an elegant one, } actually--would be to put the dye vat INSIDE the deadfall trap. That } way, he'll fall directly into the vat before any of the dwarfs realizes } what's going on, or has the chance to help him escape. There's the } chance that he won't stay in the vat long enough to ensure a rich, even } color coat, but those are the risks you take. } } You owe the Oracle a silken lace and a poisoned comb. --- 1167-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey, Oracle, that bit about inventing the internet didn't go over > very well, and the "Love Story" bit was a washout, too. What should > I claim now? > -Al And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Elian as a dependent. } } You owe the Oracle a fishing license. --- 1167-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > oh great internet oracle who knows all and sees all, at least when you > are not sticking your head into a giant jar of Miracle Whip, asnwer > please my confounding condundrum... > > What the heck is with that moron in front of me doing 45 in the left > lane of the highway, and how come I can't get over to pass him? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle, and all the others on the parkway as well, are far more } concerned about you using your laptop to send me messages as you } drive. --- 1167-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > > Where can I find a bug sniffing dog to check my programs for errors? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You're asking a lot here, my brave little supplicant. } } The bug sniffing dog was first bred by the ancient Aztec people, who } had a severe problem with beetles infesting their maize and salami. } They noticed that certain dogs were very good at determining which } food held the young beetles (or "larvae," as we experts say) merely } by smell. Thus they bred these dogs together and produced what we } now call the "proboscis-insectetector terror," or "bug sniffing dog" } for short. } } Bug sniffing dogs are rare at best. You can't find them in your local } pet store, as I'm sure you've discovered already. It's true they're } more common in South America these days, and they can be sometimes } found on the black market, but the most promising course of action } would seem to be a letter to a local canine breeders' association and } explain the situation. If they haven't heard of bug sniffing dogs, } don't argue with them - they might bite you. } } Oh, be sure to point out in the letter that you want the dog to be } pre-trained in C, C++, Perl, and whatever other languages you're using. } If you forget, you're liable to have to teach the dog yourself, and } I know from my own experience that training a dog to debug Perl can } be a real bind. } } You owe the Oracle a fungus-touching cat to check my questions for } in-jokes.