From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Fri Jul 7 08:35:02 2000 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.29) id IAA14599; Fri, 7 Jul 2000 08:09:22 -0500 (EST) Date: Fri, 7 Jul 2000 08:09:22 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200007071309.IAA14599@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1171 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1171 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1171 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 7 Jul 2000 08:09:22 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1171 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1166 77 votes ats64 4gjt9 8enfh kwg63 28gwj 2iuj8 3lnge 3ksj7 bfhdl 4fuj9 1166 3.1 mean 2.5 3.3 3.2 2.2 3.8 3.2 3.2 3.1 3.2 3.2 --- 1171-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise. WHat scandals can we ecpect from the swedish > royal family this year ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 10) Prince Carl Philip suggests he invented the fishing net } 09) King Carl XVI Gustaf spells "lute fish" wrong in public } 08) Queen Silvia makes 100,000 kronas in shady reindeer futures } deal } 07) Princess Madeleine says SAABs are old fogey cars } 06) Princess Madeleine gets a tattoo of the Linux penguin on } her royal bottom } 05) King Carl XVI Gustaf tells off color King Oscar I joke } 04) Princess Madeleine seen buying a Burzum cd while wearing } her tiara backwards and wearing baggy ermine robe two sizes } too big for her } 05) Prince Carl Philip says IKEA furniture 'post modern depressing' } 03) Crown Princess Victoria turns down repeated second date offers } from Internet Oracle } 02) Queen Silvia announces she's running for Minister with out } portfolio of Blekinge after King Carl XVI Gustaf's term is over } 01) Crown Princess Victoria orders all visitors to Sweden bearing } passports from indiana.edu turned back at the borders. } } You owe the Oracle a phone call from Crown Princess Victoria so } he can explain. --- 1171-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most original and feisty, > > Why do females like the color pink and males the color blue? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 4004 B.C. } } Adam and Eve are relaxing in after a full day of frolicing in the } Garden. Lying side by side on the soft grass, looking at the sky filled } with fluffy, white clouds, Adam reaches out for Eve's hand... } } ADAM: It's been a nice day. I really like the blue of the sky. } } EVE {thinking}: A nice day? That's so nice of him to say. But why did } he mention the sky at the same time? What is he trying to tell me? Has } he been trying to take a break from frolicing all day and just look at } the sky? And he feels that he hasn't been able to, because of me? Is } that why he keeps bringing up the sky? Why can't he just say what he } means? Maybe he doesn't think he can trust me. Maybe he thinks I'd } betray him and maybe he doesn't really love me after all! Maybe all } that talk of me being the only woman for him was just lies! Maybe he } really can't stand me and he doesn't want to hurt me and so he keeps } talking about the sky to make me figure it out myself! He's so } considerate. That's so sweet. Maybe the he's saying look to the stars } Eve, don't cry over the spilt milk of our failing relationship, there's } a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow for you Eve. Maybe that's what } he's trying to say! But why can't he just say it? Is he afraid? The } wimp! Instead of just telling me straight out, he has to make things up } and play these games with me! He's so inconsiderate! } } But, but why did he need to mention the colour of the sky? What is } it about blue that has him so worked up? What's he saying? What does he } mean? } } Ah, I see it now. He thinks I'm fat! He thinks that now that I'm a } week older, I'm not the woman I used to be, that I'm one week closer to } sagging skin and wrinkles and dry, limp hair and varicose veins and... } Veins! Of course! Varicose veins! BLUE varicose veins! This is his } weak, snivelling way of saying he doesn't find me attractive anymore. } That I'm ugly and fat and old! Well! I'll fix him! I'll show him what's } what and who's who and that's that! He likes blue does he? It makes him } feel superior does it? Well, I think I like a colour that will show him } I'm not going to take that from him. It will show him I'm mad as all } get out and I'm not going to take it anymore! An angry colour! A } violent colour! A determined, forceful colour! A colour like....Red! } Yes! Red is the colour! } } Hmmmm...it's not very feminine though... } } EVE {speaking}: I prefer it pink. } } And so supplicant, that is why women like pink. Of course, men do } not really prefer blue; they're indifferent. It's just that women keep } telling them they prefer blue and men are just too bored to bother } arguing. } } You owe the Oracle a re-read of Genesis 1 - 3. --- 1171-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > My name is Brianna. I am 8 years old. My Dad said I could ask you; > what does the Tooth Fairy do with all the teeth she gets? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is actually a very interesting question, Brianna. Not many people } know the full extent of the Tooth Fairy's business empire, and you'd } be surprised to learn just how much... } } [The Oracle is interrupted by a soft tapping noise at the door. He gets } up and opens it, but sees no-one there. Then a voice from somewhere in } the vicinity of his ankles squeaks: "Down here, buddy!" and he looks } down to see two tiny men, one six inches tall, the other four. Both } wear double-breasted pinstripe suits, dark glasses and wide-brimmed } hats. Pairs of iridescent wings - like a dragonfly's - sprout from } their shoulders] } } Sergio: The boss says we's to have a word with youse, buddy. } } Rocco: Yeah, so you'd better let us in, if you know what's good } for youse. } } Sergio: Yeah. } } Rocco: Buddy. } } Oracle: Where are my manners? Please, do come in. } } [The two fairy enforcers enter the Oracular Chamber and wander about } looking it over with a proprietary air, not an easy feat from their } vantage point] } } Oracle: Is there something I can help you with? } } Rocco: Yeah, buddy! } } Sergio: No. } } Rocco: No? } } Sergio: No. } } Rocco: Oh yeah. No, buddy! } } Oracle: No it is, then. } } Sergio: No, 'cos we's here to help you, buddy. } } Rocco: We don't want youse to go make any unfortunate mistakes. } } Sergio: Like, f'rinstance, going round telling little girls all about } the boss's business interests. } } Oracle: My, but word gets around quickly. I'd only just started. How } did she know? } } Sergio: A little bird told her. } } Rocco: It was a tawny pipit, wasn't it? } } Sergio: Never mind what kind of little bird it was, Rocc. } } Rocco: Yeah, never mind, buddy! } } Sergio: So we's here to tell youse, buddy, that it would not be a good } idea going round telling little girls things like that. } } Rocco: Not a good idea, buddy! } } Sergio: More like a serious mistake, if youse gets my drift. } } Rocco: A real serious mistake, buddy! } } Oracle: I'm intrigued. How serious, exactly? } } Sergio: Show him, Rocc. } } Rocco: Well, f'rinstance, it's a nice little temple youse got here, } buddy. } } Sergio: Pity if something were to happen to it. } } Rocco: Something bad, like, um... } } [The smaller fairy enforcers looks around for something to demolish. } Nothing presents itself at his level, so eventually he settles for } kicking over a wastepaper basket. Some crumpled pieces of paper and } an empty can of Mountain Dew spill out onto the floor] } } Rocco: And there's plenty more where that came from, buddy! } } Sergio: So don't force us to give youse any more demonstrations. } } Oracle: No really, I'm convinced. My lips are sealed, I promise. } } Sergio: Good. Youse got sense, buddy. } } Rocco: Yeah, otherwise we'd have had to rough you up a bit, buddy. } } Sergio: Yeah. } } Rocco: Can we rough him up a bit anyway, Serge? } } Sergio: No, we got other calls to make. } } Rocco: Oh yeah. Lucky for you, buddy! } } Oracle: My relief knows no bounds. } } Sergio: Yeah? Well, keep it that way. } } Rocco: Or we'll be back. } } Sergio: Yeah. } } Rocco: Buddy. } } Sergio: Buddy. } } Rocco: Yeah. } } [With many threatening backward glances, the two fairy enforcers leave } the Oracular Chamber. The Oracle closes the door behind them, then } returns to his console] } } Whew! Who'd have thought the Tooth Fairy would be so sensitive about } her dentures for the Little People business? Well, I'm very sorry, } Brianna, but it looks like the Oracle is unable to help you with this } particular question. Please ask me another one. --- 1171-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise Oracle who knows better than to take a class in underwater > basket weaving, > > Why did the Greeks play with lyres? I thought they were into The > Truth. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's the business about bewaring of Greeks bearing gifts that always } gets me. I have these visions of a wave of paranoia sweeping the } country every Christmas. Of weddings held in secret. Of parents locking } up their own children on Mother's and Father's Day. And how many Greeks } have ever told you when their birthday is? None, right? Just goes to } prove there really is something in it. } } Anyway, the business with the gifts should have warned you that they } weren't all that hot on The Truth. Picture the scene outside Troy. } "Well, you've won. We'll be off now. We made you this gift of a large } wooden horse. We thought you might like to take it into your town as a } commemoration of your victory. Oh, before you do, though, you may want } to know there's a party of armed men inside waiting to murder you all } in your sleep tonight. That's if it's of any interest. Otherwise, } enjoy!" As stratagems go, that just isn't the stuff legends are made } of, is it now? } } You owe the Oracle an irate Maltese, a visually-impaired Venetian and a } Greek's pay packet. --- 1171-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wisest Oracle, > > Should I trust the step builders? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Not for a minute, Tengoungatoenmispantalones. They've made them all } steep and uneven, not like those nice, wide, level ones at Chichen } Itza. How's it going to look if the high priest gets an attack of } vertigo halfway up the pyramid, eh? } } Worse still, they've not cut any channels for the blood to run down, so } the steps are going to be all slippery when it's time to come down } again at the end of a hard day's butchery, and that's just begging for } an accident to happen. How this shoddy bit of workmanship passed the } Health & Safety inspection I'll never know. } } So you stick to your guns, Tengoun... Say, do you mind if I call you TG } for short? You stick to your guns, TG, and refuse to carry out any } human sacrifices until those cowboy operators make the necessary } improvements. } } DISCLAIMER: The Internet Oracle accepts no responsibility for any } possible celestial consequences, such as the sun winking out of } existence, as a result of following this advice. --- 1171-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Kirsten R. Chevalier" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, who knows more answers than ten fools can ask. > > Could you explain the procedure that your priests are using to select > what answers that will go to the digests ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } YEAH!? Well, if you think it's so easy try passing this! } %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% } } The 'Do I Have a Chance at Being a Priest?' Aptitude Test } %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% } } DIRECTIONS: Get an actual real piece of paper and a pencil. } Number 0 to 9, write down the LETTER that best } goes with the questions below. If you can't } be bothered with paper and pencil then you } have automatically flunked the test. Changing } any answer AFTER you've written it down is an } instant flunk as well. Having to re-read the } directions is an instant flunk also. Answer } truthfully on all but one question. } } 0) Someone tells you a funny joke. What do you do? } } a) Forget the punch line immediately. } b) Laugh. } c) Said, "That's a funny joke." } d) Fume, since you were about to tell it. } e) Think of a better punch line. } f) Smile weakly since you've heard it about } nine hundred times before. } } 1) Fill in the blank: } He who laughs last, _________. } } a) laughs best. } b) is slow of wit. } c) was probably just finishing chewing their food. } d) gets to comment on all the previous laughs. } e) is just mindlessly imitating the crowd. } f) is probably the victim of a localized aural warp. } } 2) Your grandmother's friend starts telling you about } some illness she had in 1962. How do you react? } } a) Smile weakly and nod sympathetically. } b) Grab at any excuse to leave the area. } c) Ask her to write it down so you can put it } on the bulletin board at work. } d) Develop each symptom as it is mentioned. } e) Ponder the inexplicable human love of the same } tale told over and over again. } e) Pretend she's a toaster and you're a repairman. } } 3) Your idea of a perfect weekend is: } } a) Sex,sex,sex! } b) Surfing the `net with a beverage in hand. } c) Trip to the museum. } d) Getting abducted by a UFO. } e) Anything that doesn't involve computers. } f) Being stalked by a flamingo dancer. } } 4) Which of these do you own? (If more than one, } which item do you like the best?) } } a) plaid shorts } b) 21 inch or greater monitor } c) The complete works of Shakespeare } d) "The Lion King" video } e) a two by four } f) a "Get out of Hell Free" card } } 5) Someone tells you of a great film. You reply; } } a) Wow, I must see it. } b) I like reading better than films. } c) I'll file that info away for eight years. } d) I like phlegm better than film. } e) What shutter speed did you use? } f) But did you laugh? } } 6) Which of these have you eaten most recently: } } a) Meat loaf. } b) A doughnut. } c) A bowl of Lucky Charms covered with mustard. } d) Drive-thru food. } e) Food? Is coffee food? } f) A clove of garlic. } } 7) You get have a chance to see Steve Wright's comedy } act in person. What do you do? } } a) Go with a notepad and write each joke down. } b) Wonder who Steve Wright is. } c) Go and heckle. } d) Stay home and heckle your bathroom mirror. } e) Scream. Then go anyway hoping for some kind } of inoculation effect. } f) Feeling sorry for Steve Wright you send him a } "Get Well" card and some flowers. } } 8) Someone mentions The Cascade Mountains. How do you } react? } } a) Wonder what kind of postcards they sell there. } b) Nod knowingly. } c) Cringe. } d) Pack your bags and move there. } e) Roll your eyes inwardly. } f) Get cold and clammy. } } 9) You read a long, boring story with no plot. } What is your reaction? } } a) Make copies and give it to your friends. } b) Curse yourself for reading it. } c) Fall asleep. } d) Write 'Me too' on the last page. } e) Wish you were getting paid for the task. } f) Wonder when the queue was made into a book. } %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% } } Scoring: } } Look at your answers. If you did not mark any one } letter down seven (7) or more times, then you are } a flighty human with no goals, no hopes, no lasting } aspirations. Thank you for your time, move along } nothing to see here. If you marked any answer more } than seven (7) times then proceed: } } If you answered 7 more times with the answer of 'a' } you will never, ever be a priest. You should consider } taking drugs, or taking a trip or something to make } yourself less boring. } } If you answered 7 more times with the answer of } 'b' you are too normal to be a priest. You might } wish to consider having lots of children, the } world needs normal folks like you to run things. } You'd make a fair supplicant. Submit some questions. } } If you answered 7 or more time with the answer 'c' } you have a one in 100,000 chance of becoming a priest. } This is -way- ahead of the curve. On the other hand, } don't call us, we'll call you. Try your hand at } incarnating, we'll be monitoring your answers. } } If you answered 7 or more times with answer 'd' } you might actually like reading rec.humor.oracle.d } This is one of the Eight Warning Signs of Brain Cancer. } } If you answered 7 or more times with 'e' you have } a 1 in 1000 chance of becoming a priest. Please } forward us a resume. We'll get back to you. Have } a valid credit card number handy. } } If you answered 7 or more times with 'f' you were } probably a priest in an earlier life. You have our } sympathy. } %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% } } You owe the Oracle all/none of the above. --- 1171-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Madonna's had a mastectomy? Oh, horror! --- 1171-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ross Clement The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, who hires servants that not in any way make your > glory seem lesser in comparence. Could you give me a brief description > of all the priests in your staff ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmm, they're all described briefly on the Oracle homepage, so that'd } be a tad redundant (I know, I know 'redundant' is in right now, but } the Oracle isn't fad driven), so instead here is a brief glimpse } of the priests' futures instead. } } Enjoy. . . } } Michael A. Atkinson: moves to Las Vegas, becomes barker } } Julianna Avedon: lives in cave on edge of Guagua Pichincha caldera } } Frank Backitis: Lost in central highlands of Mexico looking } for Don Juan } } David Bremner: runs lucrative "malaprops for food" scam on } highway onramp in North Hollywood } } Kirsten Chevalier: Finally settles on one hair color for a month } friends see this as a bad sign, have her committed } } Tim Chew: dies of electrical burns wiring a 'giant drunken wicker } pict' for an obscure festival } } Ross Clement: Takes over from Kinzler and rewrites the Oracle } filters to exclude all questions and answers that } contain vowels } } Ian Davis: takes one last vacation that never ends } } Dave Disser: dies gored by a bull in Spain } } Mike Engelhardt: reveals he is actually Alyce with a 'y' in } a parallel universe } } Scott Forbes: after 900th try to promote a 'flat ask' policy } he removes all his teeth to the wonderment of all } } Carole S. Fungaroli: Editor of TeenBeat } } Alan M. Gallatin: Moves to New York to live dream of a sidewalk } hot dog vendor } } Charles Hannum: reveals he is a Hindu monkey god then vanishes } in a flash of flames and sulfur } } "Harold the Foot": writes story for Readers' Digest of his life } lives comfortably off the residuals } } Dave Hemming: regrows his beard and quits wearing red lipstick } } Mark Lawrence: arrested on golf course in Florida when fingered } by OJ Simpson as 'the real killer' } } Mark McCafferty: moves to Detroit and opens a deli } } Rich McGee: becomes spokesperson for paper product chain } } Ken McGlothlen: eaten by Orca, death caught on tape, makes } 'Funniest Home Videos' hall of fame } } Bill McMillan: refuses to wear kilt at family reunion, forced by } ancient family law to move to France and change name } to Pierre } } Ray Moody: Moves in with Ross Clement after great vowel rewrite } and the two of them work on TOP SECRET project for } years } } "Dr. Noe": becomes permanent feature at Encintas swap meet and } is voted Mayor of Low Tide } } Scott Panzer: he hardly even knew her } } Bill Petrosky: revealed as .forward file to Fungaroli } } Christopher Pettus: moves to Arizona and heads up Shuffleboard } revival movement } } Joshua R. Poulson: uses knowledge of locale of all ATMs in New York } to better facilitate panhandling crew he heads } } Leo L. Schwab: refuses to give up title of priest even after Oracle } ends after the disastrous vowel rewrite } } David Sewell: becomes moderator of alt.highet which makes him rich } } Otis Viles: last seen trapped in elevator in Honolulu } } Alyce Wilson: revealed to be Mike Engelhardt in a parallel } universe } } Greg Wohletz: often referred to as the Singing Priest } } Jim Cheetham: comes out of retirement after the vowel fiasco } finds everyone but Schwab is gone } } The Great Squid: Eaten by Sperm Whale } } Jonathan G. Monsarrat: corners world market on used Deep } Purple 8-tracks } } Michael W. Zintl: Changes name to Zichael M. Mintl } } You owe the Oracle an anti-instant resubmit filter. --- 1171-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > You ever feel like pounding in the head of a particularly stupid > incarnation? > > Ah well. I guess I'll just have to resubmit. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } THE FOLLOWING PREVIEW HAS BEEN RATED "G" (SUITABLE FOR ALL AUDIENCES): } } [Scene I: Steve Kinzler, unshaven and sweating, is squatting in front } of a DEC minicomputer that has been opened to expose the inner } electronics. Kinzler is pulling on the wires and babbling to himself.] } } Kinzler (falsetto): "...but Mr. Bus, how am I to get power?" (basso): } "I shall route it through the daughterboard!" (falsetto) "Yaaaay!" } } [Suddenly Steve gets sucked into the computer and finds himself in } another person's body.] } } Steve: "What the...? Hey, I'm in somebody else's body! And I can make } them do things against their will! Cool! Let's see...sit down in front } of the computer. Okay, now write an email to oracle@cs.indiana.edu. } Now, sign it and send it...Good, now--" } } [Suddenly Steve is transported to a dumpster behind Indiana U. He } shakes himself off, goes to his room and checks his email. A message } pops up: "The Internet Oracle requires an answer to this question!" } Steve reads the question intently.] } } Steve: "Geez, this question SUCKS! If only I could pound in the head of } that particularly stupid incarnation! Hey wait a minute..." } } [Steve runs over to his disassembled DEC and begins fiddling with the } wires. Suddenly he's transported to the other body.] } } Steve (in other body): "Pound yourself! POUND YOURSELF! Do it! I SAID } DO IT! Yes! Harder! HARDER! I DON'T CARE IF IT HURTS! HARDER!" } } Other body: "Ouch! Yeooow! Why are you doing this to me? I'm just an } actor! I don't know what's going on! Ouch! Owwww!" } } COMING SOON TO THEATERS NEAR YOU: "INCARNATING JOHN MALKOVICH" --- 1171-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most Oracular Being: > What credence do you give to horoscopes? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Nothing, but balderdash. You want to know the future } you ask The Oracle. You want nonsense, read your horoscope. } } Here, look at this drivel in today's paper: } } Airhead } (Mar. 21- April 20) } You, like, whoa... wait a minute. } } Largeass } (Apr. 21- may 21) } Today's accent is on food, again. Eat, Eat, Eat. Donuts are where } find them. Think adding to your secret stash of Twinkies. Girls, } remember boys like boobs and boobs are just lumps of fat. Get } popular, get bigger! Guys, yeech! You make people sick, no more } beer for you Mr. Belly the Size of Detroit. } } Lemureye } (May 22-June 21) } Your time has passed. Yet your memory persists. Don't worry, with } some fake ID and a move to a new city it will take them years for } them to catch up with you. } } Melanoma } (June 22-July 22) } You will change shape and appearance. Then you'll get zapped by a } laser beam. Ironic huh, light begat you, light kills you. Tough. } } GEO } (July 23-Aug 22) } Finding a parking spot will be tough at the mall on Saturday. } Watch out for shopping carts! Be miserly with that gas and you'll } win a friend. Remember, red means STOP! } } FORMERVIRGIN } (Aug. 23 -Sept. 23) } It's the next day and SURPRISE! He doesn't respect you. And you } feel icky inside. Douche. Soon you'll get phone calls from the } others on the football team. In the meantime run up and down } stairs a lot and drink weird herbal teas. } } ZEBRA } (Sept. 24 -Oct. 23) } Red is you! All over. Buy a LINUX mascot doll. Say hi to a nun. } Watch out for cops. Learn to play the piano. Wear golf shoes. } } SCRIPTTOGO } (Oct. 24 - Nov. 22) } Rewrite that novel for the ghost. Hammer out a synopsis. } Keep it simple SCRIPTTOGO. Don't be late again for your } waiter job. } } SAGE } (Nov. 23 -Dec. 21) } Keep incarnating. Call up radio talk shows to correct the points } made by the previous caller. Win at Trivial Pursuits, again. } } CRAPANDCORNY } (Dec 22.- Jan. 20) } Try and let a day go by with out whining. No one wants to hear } about your 'unit' or your lame urban legends. Don't say 'Don't } call me Shirley' at work anymore if you want to stay employed, } it's not funny. No, it's not a conspiracy. Grow up. } } AQUARIUM } (Jan. 21 -Feb. 19) } Swim around the pirate ship, thru the coral arch and back. } Repeat. } } PIES } (Feb. 20-Mar. 20) } The apple of your eye, your little 'pumpkin' wants a bigger } slice of the action. Talk about it over ice cream and a cup } of joe.