From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Mon Jul 17 17:16:56 2000 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.29) id QAA01714; Mon, 17 Jul 2000 16:45:10 -0500 (EST) Date: Mon, 17 Jul 2000 16:45:10 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200007172145.QAA01714@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1173 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1173 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1173 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 17 Jul 2000 16:45:10 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1173 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1168 69 votes 5cqfb 06ope 8ajgg 7iu86 3frj5 3eln8 1cwi6 9gre3 75eip 4bsdd 1168 3.2 mean 3.2 3.7 3.3 2.8 3.1 3.3 3.2 2.8 3.7 3.3 --- 1173-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most aquainted with Divinty, he who hangs out with the Gods, > shoots hoop with the Seraphim and plays a little golf with the devil, I > beg your guidance in a personal matter. I've been having little luck > with the more corporeal jobs I've had, so I recently thought Hey, why > not become a prophet of the Gods! I can already speak a number of > different languages, so I figure speaking in tongues should be a doddle. > Who should I apply to - are any of the Gods currently looking for an > Earthly mouthpiece? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [ A busy street corner in New York City. It's high noon, lunch } hour on a lovely day, the sidewalks are crowded. Here we see } the supplicant on a small crate. In one hand he has a green } plastic bucket, on his head a leafy wreath of some sort, he } is wearing a toga. A man in a gray flannel suit approaches. ] } } Supplicant: Sir! The Goddess Carya, have you heard of her? } } Gentleman: Nut. } } Supplicant: Oh you have! Here have some. } } [ Supplicant reaches into the bucket and pulls out two walnuts } and tries to hand them to the man. ] } } Supplicant: Carya the Goddess of Walnut trees wants you to know } that walnuts are a prime source of low-density } lipoproteins. Plus she is beloved of Artemis. } } Gentleman: This some kinda off beat ad campaign? } } Supplicant: No, I am the mouthpiece of the Goddess Carya, } patroness of walnuts. } } Gentleman: Oh boy. } } [ Man leaves, a pair of punker gals approach. ] } } Punk #1: You handing out food? } } Supplicant: Here have some walnuts. Carya loves you and } the meat of the walnut has high proportions } of n-3 linolenic acid. } } Punk #2: That's like jammin'. Can we have some nuts? } } Supplicant: Yeah here. } } [ Supplicant hands bucket to the punks and then sits } dejected on the crate. Punks pour walnuts on the } ground and start stomping them with their Doc Martin } boots. A tourist couple approaches.] } } Tourist: Are you a nut? We heard New York was full of them } can I take a picture of you standing by my wife } to show the folks back in North River? } } Supplicant: Sure, if you'll take a flyer. } } Tourist Man: (reading aloud) Carya, walnut goddess Of Sparta. } } [ Wife stands by supplicant who's still sitting on the } crate. ] } } Tourist Man: Say cheese! } } Tourist wife: Cheese. } } Supplicant: Walnut. --- 1173-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, great Oracle, who knows where all the roads lead, > > How many words must a parody have, > before it can be digested? > > Yes and how well known must the first song be, > so that the humor is saved? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The answer, my friend, is that those that don't blow go in. --- 1173-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How can I get her to like me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 10) Fill her with nothing but the finest imported air } 09) Keep a puncture repair kit at hand at all times to } show you care } 08) Never -ever- show her a knife } 07) Let her pretend she'll one day be your wife } 06) If you must deflate her, let her down slow } 05) Take her at least once to a drive-in picture show } 04) Never hint other lovers are at 'hand' } 03) Put a photo of her predominately on your bed stand } 02) Buy her a wig and some nice sexy clothes } 01) Wash her up afterwards with a steady spray from } the nearest garden hose } } You owe the Oracle some high pressure sales techniques. --- 1173-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ross Clement The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > All intelligent people are pleased with the Oracle, people of common > wit and standing are pleased with the Oracle, and gosh darn it! I am > pleased with the Oracle too! > > Do rational ideas have any advantages over irrational ideas? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Nope. In fact, it's often the other way around. } } The trouble with ideas is that it's tough to define which ones are } rational and which are not at first glance. It isn't until time has } run its course and events have begun adding up that one can truly } pinpoint which is which. } } For example: } } [The scene: Cro-Magnon era mountainous foothills. Hot, humid, and not } a little bit muggy. Just outside a cave, we see a lone man, sitting on } a rock, hitting a rounder rock with a sharper rock. A female } Cro-Magnon comes out of the cave] } } "Oga no like Og sitting here. Oga think Og waste time." } "Og no waste time. Og making round thing." } "Oga think round thing silly. Oga think Og go hunting." } "Og go hunting after Og finish." } "Oga think Og go hunting now!" } "Og want to finish round thing!" } "Oga think if Og not go hunting, Og no get any!" } "Og go hunting..." } } And so the wheel was forever lost to the Cro-Magnon, and I was saved } from having to answer idiotic questions about fire. This was a } rational idea at the time, but seems to us, now, as completely } irrational. } } Another example: } } [Scene: England, 1485. The royal court.] } } "Good day to you, my king. I have come from lands far distant to beg } of you a boon." } "A boon, you say? What is it you want, er... what's your name again?" } "Columbus, my liege." } "Yes, Columbus, yes...what is it you want from me?" } "I have an idea, my lord, that since the way to the spices in the East } are cut off by pirates, that it would be far safer to go around them." } "Around them? How? Surely not by going south around the Cape..." } "By heading in the other direction -- west." } "Are you mad? My astronomers assure me that no ship, even one heavily } laden purely with foodstuffs and naught else could not hope to survive } such a long journey over nothing but water. You would die in the } middle of the Atlantic, and where would I be then? Poor as a beggar, } and no wiser for my troubles. No, go ask some other kingdom for wealth } to throw away on such a misadventure." } } See, another idea thought completely irrational at the time proves its } rational given enough time, and the pure chance that land be discovered } where no one thought it could be. } } One last example: } } [Scene: a laboratory, circa 1903. A man stands next to a device } consisting of wires, crystals, and no small amount of electrical } current. There are some other men talking with him.] } } "-- it's not that, it's just I'm not quite clear on what it's supposed } to -do-, exactly." } "I told you. It can send and receive signals. I call it a ... } radio." } "I see. And using this 'radio,' you can do what?" } "Well, if someone attaches a phonograph to one radio transmitter in one } place, then another person can turn on their receiver at another place } and listen to the same music." } "Wouldn't it be simpler just to buy the same phonograph?" } "It's not just for music, it's for everything! I can send my voice } across the nation if I wanted to --" } "Oh, just what we need, a shouting box in every room in America." } "Look, don't you understand, this can revolutionize our lives! Why, if } we had this during the Civil War --" } "Then General Lee would have been unable to command because he was } listening to Bach's "Symphony #5"? No, I'm sorry, but I'm afraid we } just don't see any reason why anyone would want a music transceiver in } their homes. Good day to you, sir." } } In answer to your query, then, rational ideas have the most power, at } least in the present, but the least advantages. Note in the examples } above that only those motives that seemed logical at the time were } considered, and all else was tossed away as complete and utter tot. } And yet it is those irrational ideas which change the course of history } -- a neat trick, if you can do it. } } You owe the Oracle at least a dozen irrational ideas. --- 1173-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh greatest Oracle, your ability to simultaneously handle the problems > and queries of the world's millions with speed, tact and accuracy is > astounding. Your bandwidth is enough to make a grown sysadmin cry. > Your oracularity archiving and on-line searching system shame the > primitive constructs of mere mortals, who strive to make databases as > organised as your toenail clippings. > > But, one must wonder about the future of the simple plain-text tellme, > and question whether it is 'in tune' with modern expectations of the > internet - flashy graphics, full motion video and surround sound. > > Thus, I beg of you: An insight into your plans for the heavily rumoured > upcoming "showme" multimedia supplication and oracularity, with any > further extensions and enhancements you might be contemplating to > supplement the "tellme/showme" system. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What a nightmare a "showme" Oracle would be! } } - incarnations waiting 20 minutes for a "question" to } download to be greeted by a dorky flash sequence of } a rodent tossing logs about } } - supplicants getting .mp3s of off key incarnations singing } lame parodies of unfathomable renditions of Barry Manilow } tunes } } - the horror of reading "[ This clip digested -ed ]" in full } color scrolling 150 point italic dingbat font } } + nude .jpgs galore... well ONE good thing does not over } weigh the many faults } } - two words: virus heaven } } - CS students would have access to high end production } tools, others would be sending in stick figure .gifs } } - "showme" sounds too much like "playing doctor", } not to mention all the Missouri puns that would ensue } } - would have to change name to rec.humor.binaries.oracle } } - requests for Lisa pics would be overwhelm queue } } ? would broaden Oracle's appeal to post-literates } } - Priests would have a hard time copying over the } holy words of the Oracle by hand on parchment } if text based format abandoned } } You owe the Oracle a healthy respect for the magic of } the printed word, and some girlie .jpgs. --- 1173-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hark! The mating cry of a lipless cow! --- 1173-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Egor grovels before Master, yes, the Master is good if Egor grovels > before him, yes yes? > > Egor is looking for a good cup of coffee, yes, and Egor does not like > that hideous Starbucks crud, yes, so Egor asks the Master, where can > Egor get a good cup of coffee? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You say you don't know } Where to go } To get a good cup o' Joe } So you call the Big "O" } } Have no fear, dear supplicant, } I saved you the trip, that's right, I already went. } I got you a cup, it's MONSTER SIZE } And I can tell that's alright by the look in your eyes. } } Whoa, take it easy, before you gulp it down, } Did I happen to mention that it's freshly ground. } Not that it matters, just look at your face, } You're spilling your drink all over the place. } } Now just look at what you've done, Egor. } You've gone and got Java on my Perl floor. } That'll never come out, believe me, I've tried. } Well, not actually me, it was Zadoc, I lied. } } Point is, dear supplicant, you've made a mess. } And I'm quite upset, as you may have guessed. } So, if you don't mind showing yourself to the door, } It's been real, it's been fun, but not real fun, Egor. } } You owe the Oracle nothing, just go. --- 1173-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ross Clement The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > [This question intentionally left blank] And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, [this adjective intentionally left blank] supplicant, your } question has made me think [this adverb intentionally left blank], and } [this term of response intentionally left blank] follows. } } In the past, I used to hang out with [this name intentionally left } blank] and we'd spend time [this present-infinitive verb intentionally } left blank] in the [this noun intentionally left blank]. The weather } was [this weather description intentionally left blank] and the air was } [this atmospheric analysis intentionally left blank]. } } One day in late [this month intentionally left blank], my friend [this } reference to the previous name intentionally left blank] tripped over } [this obstacle intentionally left blank] and fell in a [this body of } water intentionally left blank]. Of course, I [this cry for help } intentionally left blank] but no-one [this lack of assistance } intentionally left blank]. } } I wanted to [this infinitve verb intentionally left blank] out to him, } but I couldn't [this means of propelling onesself through water } intentionally left blank]. I cried as I saw [this drowning } intentionally left blank], and at once, with remorse and regret, I } realised the importance of [this revelation intentionally left blank]. } } Of course, there was a [this police enquiry intentionally left blank] } which exonerated me, as the coroner decided it was [this verdict } intentionally left blank]. The press and media didn't care, though, and } continued referring to me as [this unfounded allegation intentionally } left blank] - at least, until the judge ruled they were in [this } contempt of court intentionally left blank]. Then, at last, there was } [this silence intentionally left blank]. } } Alone and friendless, I pondered [this subject intentionally left } blank], but, after many years, I had drawn a [this blank intentionally } left blank]. I knew my quest for answers could only lead in one } direction: [this need for knowledge intentionally left blank]. } } Thus I became [this Internet Oracle(tm) intentionally left blank]. } } You owe the Oracle [this space intentially left blank]. --- 1173-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's so bad about me, anyway? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You squeeze the toothpaste from the middle of the tube. } You sniffle incessantly. } You don't pay your library fines. } You drive 50 mph in the passing lane. } You use Napster to download MP3's in violation of United States } Copyright law (Title 17). } You drink too much. } You never seem to be able to carry on a conversation about anything } except basketball or Japanese animation. } You forgot to pay your cable bill again. } You run drugs. } You wear way too much aftershave. } You cheat on your taxes. } You don't support sustainable farming. } You pick at your acne. } You forward every damn e-mail joke/quiz/virus hoax to everyone in your } address book. } You're the reason we can't have nice things. } You snore. } You haven't bought any new clothes since 1995. } You send tellme's without answering other supplicants. } You watch too much TV. } You just drove away from that accident without even stopping to see if } anyone was hurt. } You talk about people behind their backs. } You don't vote. } You drink "flavoured" coffee. } Your unfair labor practices are depriving thousands of workers of much- } needed healthcare. } You're a bad tipper. } You're a bad dancer. } You're a bad writer. } You're a bad kisser. } And you have low self-esteem. } } You owe the Oracle your overdue library fines. --- 1173-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle you are the most snappy-dressed, most polite, most > diplomatic, most well-traveled and most sexy of the Deities! > > John Keats said, " The automobile changed our dress, manners, > social customs, vacation habits, the shape of our cities, con- > sumer purchasing patterns, common tastes and positions in in- > tercourse." I think the same can be said for the Internet. My > question Most Wise Oracle, is what will be the -next- big thing > that will affect the issues addressed in Keats' quote? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, Supplicant, I probably shouldn't be telling you this, but since } you grovelled so nicely, and you're about to suffer an unfortunate } accident with a school bus, a group of nuns, and a french bread stick, } here goes... } } myGravity (tm). About a hundred and fifty years from now, the R&D arm } of MicroWarnerBellNewsSonySoft finally cracked the secrets of } gravitons. In a bold marketing decision, they released the technology } to the consumer market, in the form of a localised gravity reducing } device called myGravity (tm). } } With the rapid take up of this technology, society changed } immeasurably. } } Intercourse in zero-gee was, of course, the first thing people tried. } } Cities changed dramatically. With the effective removal of gravity, } buildings spread sideways rather than upwards. Floating cities } blossomed by the hundreds, and much of the population moved permanently } into the atmosphere. } } As localised weight could be effectively neutralised, dress was } released from the last remaining restrictions imposed on it. Clothes } became bulkier, as people carried more and more 'stuff' with them. } People became bulkier too, as losing weight became pointless. Some } rebelled against the trend, and slimmed down, wearing sleek skintight } clothing, which allowed them to rocket around at great speeds by } dropping their personal gravity to zero. } } With the effective shift from 2-D patterns of movement to 3-D, manners } and customs changed too. Instead of stepping aside, people tended to } drop down below. It was considered polite to give the elderly and poor } a 'lift', to avoid draining the power cells on their myGravity (tm) } devices. The rich tended to situate their mansions high above the } cities, where the riff-raff couldn't go without risking running out of } power and falling to their deaths. } } Vacations changed the most. The technology led to cheap, efficient, } high-speed worldwide transport, which removed the impact of distance. } People vacationed wherever the mood took them, broadening the } experiences of much of the population. } } In short, it was the beginning of a golden age. Until, alas, a } manufacturing fault at a myGravity (tm) plant in Wisconsin led to the } creation of a house-sized black hole. Things went downhill rather } quickly after that... } } You owe the Oracle a piece of your mind. Preferably unused.