From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Tue Aug 15 08:42:57 2000 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.29) id IAA06063; Tue, 15 Aug 2000 08:20:58 -0500 (EST) Date: Tue, 15 Aug 2000 08:20:58 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200008151320.IAA06063@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1177 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1177 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1177 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 15 Aug 2000 08:20:58 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1177 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1172 69 votes 6iqc7 6euc7 gri62 cdu86 1ahre 8bsac 4iqba 2fsea bhnb7 eiig3 1172 2.9 mean 2.9 3.0 2.3 2.8 3.6 3.1 3.1 3.2 2.8 2.7 --- 1177-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > AGHWETGNWTGNGSUGFEWFGWTHNGUHDF:JGHSKGHFD:KLKJQLERWLKETJRMC!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } One Million Monkey Project, Still no Closer to Hamlet than } before. Film as Eleven. --- 1177-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I want to find out the percentage of internet users that connect to the > net via modems, cable modem, dsl, t-1, etc. > ________________________________________________________________________ > Get Your Private, Free E-mail from MSN Hotmail at http://www.hotmail.com And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I should you for insolence, since you are one of the Freeloaders } of the Internet, using a web email service and not even paying to } get rid of the tagline, but I *do* happen to have the answer right } in front of me, and it'll only take three keystrokes to copy and } paste it into place: } } MONTHLY INTERNET CONNECTION SURVEY, 31 JULY 2000 } } Omniscience download/Telekinesis upload 00.001% } Smoke Signal 00.037% } Direct neural interface 00.042% } DNI via telepathy 00.055% } Direct telepathic interface 00.067% } Carrier Pigeon 00.098% } Semaphore 00.112% } Morse Code 00.108% } Other 00.178% } Packet Radio 03.142% } Not really connected, lying about it 14.735% } Modem, Cale modem, DSL, t-1, etc. 81.425% } } You owe the Oracle a new DNI for Zadoc, the last one didn't survive } the last , and I have to actually *talk* to him. --- 1177-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > > Who writes the answers to this oracle anyway? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, THIS Oracle was written by me, but usually its someone else. } } Unless I've sent in a lot of questions in which case it's me again } provided that I can think of something decent. If I cant then I dont } bother so it's going to be someone else in that case. Unless _they_ } cannot think of something decent, the question falls back into the } queue and I get it again, and I have a sudden brainwave , in which } case its back to me again....... } } To cut a long story short, its either me or someone else. Ok? } } You Owe The Oracle more someone-elses. --- 1177-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle great, wise and well endowed: > > Can women take viagra and what physical effects will it have on us? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Most womanly inquisitor: } Women do not take Viagra, but its feminine equivalent, Niagara, } because it goes with the .flow. Women, because they are much more } sensuous and sensible than men,do not need Niagara, but they take it } anyway, so the men wont feel bad about their own disabilities It is } best to fill your Niagara bottle with aspirin to take care of those } headaches you so often have. } Acting as a mere pharmacist is one of the Oracles lower and least } urgent functions, so next time use a phrenologist, please! --- 1177-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise, > > Some time in the future there is bound to be a "1990"s revival > craze, what exactly would that entail in terms of, well, whatever > it is people of the future will look back as representative of the > "1990"s? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle hasn't had his tranquilizer yet. As such, in the future } please try to refrain from asking such disgustingly disturbing } questions. The Oracle is still suffering through all the 80s nostalgia. } Perhaps later he will be more fit to ponder the scary possiblities, but } for now, all he can say is: } } O.J. POKEMON. } } Yes, that's right. O.J. Pokemon. Late night parties, come dressed as } your favorite character from the O.J. Simpson trial, draw cards and do } battle. Collect them all - two different packages, O.J. Pokemon White } [Bronco] and O.J. Pokemon Black [Glove]. The O.J. Black deck is a bit } too small for full enjoyment, but is custom-sorted by some Italian guy, } and very limited edition. Oh god, the horror of it all. But they say } you haven't lived until you've LARPed a battle between Marcia } Squirtleson and Judge Lance Pikato. } } The future is a scary, scary thing. And if that's enough, wait until } the newly merged Nintendo-Tiger Corp releases the spinoff product: } Detective Mark Furby-man. Yes, your kids can learn exactly what growing } up in the 90s was like when they recieve this charming little elven } doll, who can be taught to learn virtually ANY racial slur, and comes } with his own pocket dictionary of his lingual terms for blacks, whites, } chinese, dutch, germans, the poor, females, males, the left handed, and } kids. Guarenteed to bring a tear to your eye. } } You owe the Oracle a soothing massage, a backrub, another tranquilizer, } and a whispered promise that you'll do him in before he has to live } through this wave of nostalgia. --- 1177-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most wide awake Oracle, He that can find his way around in the > dark, Immortal Most Extraordinary and cool guy to hang with, > > If cats made movies what kind of movies would they be watching? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Probably Kitty Porn. --- 1177-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most amazing and wise and fluffy and minty-fresh, > How can I make all my dreams come true? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dream exclusively about eating at fast food restaurants. --- 1177-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most Muppet-acious, > > I have just completed a viewing of that classic among > classics, "The Muppet Movie"! Now, I didn't have very good > reception (UHF stations, y'know), but I think I got the > gist of it. > > There's only one thing I never got. > > Why *are* there so many songs about Rambo? The movie never > explained that. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Your reception must have been pretty bad; you've missed the whole point } of the song, which is that Kermit just doesn't know. Here it is in } full: } } Why are there so many songs about Rambo } And does he have a nice side? } Rambo has visions, but only illusions, } And Rambo has nothing to hide. } So we've been told and some choose to believe it } I know they're wrong, wait and see. } Someday we'll find it, the Rambo connection, } The gun lovers, the terrorists, and me. } } Who said that every shot would be heard and answered } When he shot on the movie star? } Somebody thought of that, and someone believed it, } And look what he's done so far. } What's so amazing that keeps us razing } And what do we think we might see? } Someday we'll find it, the Rambo connection, } The gun lovers, the terrorists, and me. } } All of us under his spell, } We know that it's probably magic... } } ... Have you been half asleep? And have you heard voices? } I've heard them calling my name. } ... Is this the sweet sound that calls the young gun-toters? } The voice might be one and the same } I've heard it too many times to ignore it } It's something that I'm s'posed to be... } Someday we'll find it, the Rambo connection, } The gun lovers, the terrorists, and me. } } Laa, da daa dee da daa daa, } La laa la la laa dee daa doo... } } You owe the Oracle a picture of Kermit dressed up as Rambo, taking on } Sesame Street. --- 1177-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How many anagrams are there? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [ Quiet neighborhood, white picket fences, big trees, lawn } order abounds. The Oracle stands before one home, notable } for the symmetry of the yard, but otherwise looking pretty } much like all the others, but different. ] } } Oracle: This is the home of the anagrams. Let's met them } shall we? } } [ Oracle opens gate and enters the yard. ] } } Oracle: Here playing in the yard are the children. } The infant, Little One Letter Anagram, Two } Letter and Three Letter. Hi kids! } } 1 Letter: I!A! } } 2 Letter: Ha, am, no, eh, oh! } } 3 Letter: How eat gel cat arm? } } Oracle: How's it going? } } 3 Letter: Dog has gas! Ear? } } 2 Letter: Ha,ha,ha! } } Oracle{aside}: This is why I don't have kids. } } [ Oracle walks up to front door and rings the bell. He is } greeted by Four Letter.] } } 4 Letter: Crap dads deaf. } } Oracle{aside}: He's the teenager. A snot nosed brat. } } 4 Letter: Evil face gods fear. } } Oracle: That's nice. Can I speak with one of your parents? } } 4 Letter: Hoes nude. } } Oracle: !! } } [ Four Letter motions the Oracle into the home and gestures } towards the back of the house. ] } } 4 Letter: Rear room. } } Oracle: Thanks. } } [ Oracle wanders into the house. A pleasant looking } lady approaches, fully clothed, it's the mom, Five } Letter. ] } } 5 Letter: Saint robes. } } Oracle: Well, I'm just a minor deity actually. Is your } husband Six Letter home? } } 5 Letter: Shall shout? } } Oracle: That's okay, I see him in the backyard with the } grandparents. } } 5 Letter: Swell. } } [ Oracle opens a sliding glass door and goes out to the } pool where 6 Letter sits with his elderly parents, 7 } Letter and 8 Letter. ] } } Oracle: Hi! } } 6 Letter: Nicest friend. } } 7 Letter: Praised senator. } } Oracle: Nice yard you have here. } } 6 Letter: Maples. } } 8 Letter: Hectares sunlight. } } 7 Letter: Cocaine? } } Oracle: No thanks. Well, thanks for letting me visit your } home. } } 6 Letter: Rejoin pronto. } } [ Back out front. ] } } Oracle: Well, there you have it. The American Anagram family, } just eight of them. Rumors abound of a mysterious } Nine Letter, but these are unconfirmed. You owe the } Oracle a present. --- 1177-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Kirsten R. Chevalier" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle great and wise > > How can I keep my cats from drinking all my beer in my > refrigerator? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Buy a brand they don't like.