From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Mon Oct 30 09:45:53 2000 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.29) id JAA10241; Mon, 30 Oct 2000 09:18:48 -0500 (EST) Date: Mon, 30 Oct 2000 09:18:48 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200010301418.JAA10241@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1189 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1189 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1189 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 30 Oct 2000 09:18:48 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1189 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1184 59 votes 9il74 4jie4 0bsg4 0erg2 5cke8 3eoc6 28cpc 2hta1 5kp54 38hid 1184 3.1 mean 2.6 2.9 3.2 3.1 3.1 3.1 3.6 2.8 2.7 3.5 --- 1189-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I hate visiting small towns. After you see the memorial cannon > in the park, there's nothing else to do. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Tough one... erm, don't visit small towns? } } Okay, Okay. Sheesh, a two line of question and they want a novel! } } Fine. } } Here's a top ten list. } } _ _ _ } / \ / \ / \ --- } _____________________________________| |___| |_| |___0___________ } } ten things to do in a small town after having visited } the memorial cannon } ------------------------------------------------------------------ } } 10) Stick your head into the barber shop and yell, "Luke is back } in town!" } 09) Call up the high school and ask if the prom queen from last } year ever fessed up to having killed you } 08) Go to the diner, sit at the counter, buy a cup of black coffee, } drink it real slow, don't talk to anyone, then stand up, slam } the appropriate amount of change on the counter then announce } loudly, "Now, to go and meet my real father!" } 07) Walk around taking pictures of the roads, hint that you represent } a company that bought the rights to tear them up and ship them } to Japan } 06) Stand in the middle of main street at 11:58am, then look at your } watch at 11:59am and state, "I can't go through with this. I } promise Myrtle my gun fighting days were over. And they are." } Then mosey off in the direction the sun will be setting later } on in the day. } 05) Go to a farmhouse and tell them you're a traveling salesman } and your car broke down } 04) Tell everyone you're related to the guy that invented the } 'Deklab' cap } 03) Tack up 'Lost gold fish' posters all over town } 02) Argue with the guy at the gas station about the name of the } town, tell him your GPS read says that you're in Bonn } 01) Go to the local Baptist church and tell them the Internet } Oracle told you to stop by and say 'Hi' } } You owe the Oracle a map of Bonsal, California. --- 1189-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Kirsten R. Chevalier" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why can't I have everything free for nothing? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Have you thought this though Supplicant? Everything free for nothing; } everything in the world that is free would arrive on your doorstep (at } no cost to yourself, however!) You'd be looking at a delivery of five } million free pens, three million gallons of beer (in "33% extra free!" } portions), twelve tons of bacon (two free slices!), a mountain of pasta } (buy one get one free!) and best of all those free gambling services } would all arrive on your doorstep! Money city! Seems pretty good huh? } But then the trouble starts. Free Nelson Mandela? What would you do } with the ex-President of South Africa? Patrick McGoohan? He's not a } number he's a free man! The world population of dolphins, which all } that tuna meat is free of? Pretty frightening thought, isn't it? But } that's not where it ends. It fact it would probably never end! You } see with the recent advent of mobile phone packages giving away free } minutes every day it's very likely that you would be trapped in a time } warp that would make The Philadelphia Experiment look like a highschool } physics experiment. } } No my dear Supplicant, there are very good reasons why you can't have } everything free for nothing. Which brings me nicely to this: you owe } the Oracle a better appreciation of the laws of thermodynamics. --- 1189-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "BJ" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > > If I concatinate you with the oracle in Delphi, what do I get? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Two complaints about your misspelling of concatenate. --- 1189-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, please tell this lowly supplicant... > > I'm torn between "fighting the Man" and "selling out to the Man." > Could you give me the pros and cons of each? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, that depends on who "The Man" is. Let me help you get the ball } rolling with an example comparison. } } If "The Man" is a World Heavy Weight Boxer } Fighting the man: PRO } Lots of publicity on ESPN } Fighting the man: CON } Could lose an ear (either knocked off or bitten off.) } Selling out to the man: PRO } Minor cash compensation } Selling out to the man: CON } It would cost you more to sell the very idea to him than you are worth. } } If "The Man" is the President Of The United States } Fighting the man: PRO } Lots of publicity on National TV } Fighting the man: CON } Arrested and beaten by the Secret Service and no chance of winning the } trial. } Selling out to the man: PRO } Minor cash compensation } Selling out to the man: CON } "The Man" is "into" female interns and isn't interested in you. } } If "The Man" is CEO of Microsoft } Fighting the man: PRO } Lots of publicity on Network News } Fighting the man: CON } The last person to throw a pie at the man is still in jail. } Selling out to the man: PRO } Thousands to millions of dollars depending on the value of your } product. } Selling out to the man: CON } Windows remains most widely used OS in the free world. } } If "The Man" is head of your department } Fighting the man: PRO } Lots of publicity around the water cooler. } Fighting the man: CON } Unemployment stress. Writing and rewriting your resume. } Selling out to the man: PRO } Weekly cash compensation. The continued opportunity to enjoy the } grovelling of Dilbert & Wally. } Selling out to the man: CON } Weak cash compensation. Loss of your own self esteem by having to } continually grovel like Dilbert & Wally. } } So, Supplicant, } Decide exactly who "The Man" is in your case and then fill out a } comparison chart similar to the one above. Then use logic to weight } the merits of each as shown above. Make your choice based on which has } the most value to you. } } You owe the Oracle consultation fees of $1000. Cash. } Paying the Oracle: } Continued opportunity to use the Oracle for pressing questions } Not Paying the Oracle: } Zadoc will be knocking on the door with the staff of ZOT later this } week to break both your knees. --- 1189-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The Supplicant has nothing to ask. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Supplicant is a liar. The Supplicant had plenty to ask, and I } shall give it a list of the kinds of things it might have asked, had it } not been so impudent and foolish: } } Why is my dog eating the chewing gum? } } Is there hope after marriage? } } Which horse is going to win at Belmont? (This one is always good for } an enigmatic reply!) } } Who are the other Oracles, and why do they not have e-mail addresses? } (I warn you, if you had asked this one, you would have been in for it!) } } What color is a red rose? (Almost self-grovelling. What a stupid mind } you have. I can see why you lied about not having a question!) } } You owe the Oracle a -good- question. --- 1189-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle Most Wise, > > Why do people drink coffee ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Good question. Actually, it's a stupid question, but I am having a } good day today, and wish to encourage the supplicants. Let's look at } the list: } } Drink Coffee: This is the most popular method, but has a lot of } difficulty issues because you have to pick the bean, tumble it, sort } it, roast it, package it, ship it, and then it has to processed to be } extracted into a water solution. Then you have to add sugar, milk, or } all kinds of flavoring. But most users don't worry about anything but } the end product, and it is convenient for them, except price. } } Chew Coffee: They do have chocolate-covered beans in the local Oracle } Candy Store, I assume they have ones for mortal stores as well. But } this is not good for those with dental work, and will not keep you warm } in the ski lodge. } } Snort Coffee: Apart from sinus problems, this will show a tell-tale } brown stain around the nose. People will think you really like your } superiors. This also doesn't get much into the bloodstream, and the } unused dust is blown out with your next sneeze. } } Inject Coffee: While tech support people joke about this frequently, } there are a lot of problems associated with the delivery of the } product. Flat veins, unsterilized needles, and kinked tubes are just } some of the problems. While this does deliver the coffee to your } bloodstream the most direct way, the results are not quite as pleasant } as one might think. Artificial creamer, for instance, will do all kinds } of nasty things to heart valves. Ever have sugar crystals form in your } pancreas? Well, neither have I, but it doesn't sound too pleasant. } And even if you like your coffee straight black, the effects of } replacing your bloodstream with Folger's Instant causes a lot of people } to get all bug-eyed and run about like crack addicts, shaking } uncontrollably and forget sitting still for final exams. Ever try and } pull an overnight shift while barking uncontrollably? No? Uh, well, } then neither have I. Let's move on... } } Absorb Coffee: Cellular osmosis is slow in humans. But if you are a } paramecium, this may be the ONLY way to wake up in the morning and } prepare yourself for the day's slide showing. } } Think Coffee: This just causes eventual drinking of coffee. It's a } redundant step, and only keeps you awake if you reward yourself with } coffee afterwards. } } Be Coffee: While meditating about coffee can be stimulating, if you } actually become coffee, you will be find that being drunk is not as } pleasant as you were told in college. Being drunk sucks... or should I } say, slurps. } } So drinking coffee seems to be the best way to get it into your system } if you are human. Many experiments by hundreds of professors with high } IQs have never been made on this topic, but we're sure they'll agree, } especially the ones that owe me money. } } You owe the oracle a double-cup half-caff latte ... and some } sound-activated citronella spray. --- 1189-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > A million times a day the Wise Oracle thinks a thought far too > weighty for mortals to comprehend. Hear me please Splendid One, > > What mysteries does the American Dream hold? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Will I get the loan? } Do I have the down payment? } Will I really have to eat Ramen for thirty years? } I just locked in my rate! What do you mean the interest rate dropped } three percent? } I just gave you a check for $9,000! Why do I have to pay you another } $300? } You're my neighbor? } Is that your stereo? } Can you turn it down? } Where the @#$! are the movers? } What do you mean lost? } How could you confuse Virginia with Illinois? } When *will* you arrive? } What am I going to sleep on for three weeks? } Why isn't my stove getting hot? } Where's the damn warranty? } What do you mean appliances aren't covered? } Do you deliver? } Did I close my sunroof before it started raining? } What is dripping on my head? } Why is there a big water spot on the ceiling? } Where the $@#! is the attic entrance? } Where's the rest of the chimney!? } What do you mean chimneys aren't covered!? } Which aisle has tarps? } Do you take Visa? } Why did I decide that this was a good idea? } Why didn't I decide to take tomorrow off? } HEY, DO YOU MIND? WOULD IT KILL YOU TO TURN YOUR RADIO DOWN? } ARE YOU DEAF AND DUMB OR JUST STUPID? } Have you been working out? } Would someone call an ambulance? } Do you accept Aetna health plan? } Why is a cab ride from the hospital $40? } Who locked the door? } Where are my house keys? } Where did I see that ladder? } What's the problem officer? } Well, why is it that you don't show up when I'm beaten silly, but now } you're hassling me while I try to get into my house? } Why would my driver's license have an address for a house I just bought? } Does the ink from the fingerprinting wash off? } Didn't I ride in your cab from the hospital? } How could this ride cost $60!? } Why's my back door open? } Who are you? } Does it look like I have any valuables? } Can you at least leave me the phone? } Hello? } New Haven Realty? } Can I list my house through you? } } You owe the Oracle 3%. --- 1189-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Extraordinary Oracle, you already know the nice things I'm about to say > about you. Indeed, you already know lots of stuff, and you even > already know that you already know just about everything, so why am I > bothering to tell you? Because you ASKED me to! You wanted a grovel, > and I'm grovelling to the best of my limited ability, which consists > mostly of restating the obvious. So when I grovel to you it sounds as > if I am being overcome by a fit of recursion, when I'm merely trying to > say that you know that you know that you know all there is to know and > then some. > > Could you give me an example of that last third-order kind of > knowledge, where you know that you know that you know? Because I > surely don't know! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, okay. Here goes: } } First order: } } "I know." What I know. You know nothing at this stage, and in fact I } know that you know nothing, and I know that you know that I know what } you know, but you don't know because you're not in yet. } } Second order: } } "You know." What you know. I know what you know, but you only know } what you know, and not what I know; you know enough to know that you } know, but not enough to know what you know not, which is pretty much } everything, which is what I know. } } Third order: } } "I know." Now, when I say that I know, you know that I know, and thus } I know that you know that I know because I know what you know, and thus } we both know what the other knows, only you don't know what I know, } because that would be telling. } } In case you're curious, fourth looks like this: } } "You know." Knowing that you know, or rather, what you don't know, is } knowing that you know nothing, which I know, and you know that I know } because of the third order knowledge you know of above. } } Fifth is just a tad bit more complicated, and looks like this: } } "I know." I know that you know that I know that you know that I know, } but nothing is stopping you from knowing that I know, unlike the } knowing above, where you know that you know nothing but know not what } it is you don't know. I know what I know, and I know what I don't } know, which is nothing, since I know what I know and even what I don't } know, which means that I don't know nothing at all. } } Scientists theorize that there could be as many as forty-seven orders } of knowledge, but such heights of knowledge are far too high to pursued } by mortal minds such as yours. Be content with knowing what you know. } } You owe the Oracle ... well, you know. --- 1189-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O all-knowing Oracle and all that stuff - > > Why do I have to go to London when I actually want to go to Paris? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Come on, you can't fool me. You really are going to the Netherlands } to visit the prostitute district, I know, you know, the airlines know } it... and that explains your travel route. You'll see London, You'll } see France, then and only then you can see someone's underpants. } } It's one of those cosmic rules. } } You owe the Oracle an itsy-bitsy spider and a tornado over the Zuider } Zee. --- 1189-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great Oracle, you spend all your time answering questions posed to you > by real (if idiotic) supplicants who actually have something better to > do with their time. > > I (on the other hand) am a bit of an idiot. I spend all my time asking > questions of a Totally Mythical Oracle who has nothing better to do > with his time than to answer blithering idiots. > > Which of the two of us is the more pathological? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A bit of an idiot, you say? Don't be so hard on yourself young chap. } We all take a tumble down the well of stupidy from time to time, it's } all part of getting up in the morning and putting two legs into the } same pant leg. But if it will make you feel any better I have this } elixir, a wonderful potion of potency, that will stir your intellect } to stand with the greats. Socrates, Plato, Aristotle... all customers } of mine and do you know what they were before they met me? Do you? } Idiots. Complete and utter prats, couldn't even figure out which foot } to put their sandles on. But... one drop of this... taken seven times } a day for seven months and you'll be as sharp as the proverbial tack. } So, what do you say supplicant? } } Hmmm... let's try this again. Me Oracle have juicy-juice make you } smart... umm... not so dumb-dumb. Drinky drink seven, umm... ten } times a day. Okay? Okay. } } You owe the Oracle a bit of that savant.