From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Sat Mar 31 21:44:42 2001 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.31) id VAA17067; Sat, 31 Mar 2001 21:23:02 -0500 (EST) Date: Sat, 31 Mar 2001 21:23:02 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200104010223.VAA17067@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1212 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1212 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1212 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sat, 31 Mar 2001 21:22:49 -0500 (EST) @@@ You may have noticed some changes starting to happen on the Oracle's @@@ website , such as a more modern page @@@ style and access to most past regular and "best of" digests. @@@ @@@ I'm working on improving this site's look and function. It's already @@@ got a whole new infrastructure based on Mason . @@@ Work will continue on it gradually, so watch for more improvements. @@@ In the meantime your feedback and corrections are welcome at @@@ , though I'm probably already aware of @@@ many of the site's current deficiencies. @@@ @@@ Enjoy! Steve To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1212 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1207 62 votes 7dqd3 8nl82 46igi cog91 8dod4 16tn3 1bkic 4eoc8 2fnbb 5fkh5 1207 3.0 mean 2.9 2.6 3.6 2.4 2.9 3.3 3.5 3.1 3.2 3.0 --- 1212-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "BJ" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Sing to the Oracle, sing praise to him; tell of all his wonderful > acts, or maybe the Oracle would prefer a worshiper with a real job > and a steady pay check! > > Where will be the worse places to vacation this summer? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } TOP TEN WORST PLAC^H^H^H^H^W^WOh no you don't. I refuse to fall into } that sort of trap. You're going to deliver a semi-serious sort-of } humourous type of answer-type thing if I have to strap down the home } office of Delphi and beat it about the collar. Got that? } } Good. } } Now, where were we? Ah, yes: travel destinations. } } Well, the sun is definitely out. What with the intense heat } and^W^W^W^W^W^W^W^W^W^W^W^WDammit man, you've got to pay attention. } None of these extra-terrestrial locales. Even if the supplicant is an } alien life-form, they already *know* that Mercury is hot that time of } year, and that Pluto is only good if you've run out of suntan lotion. } And a solar vacation is just plain impossible. So let's try to stick } to Earth, shall we? } } Now, try again. } } With the fall of the Fifth Reich, you might } think^W^W^W^W^W^W^W^W^W^WNot again. THIS Earth, THIS timeline, THIS } reality. No use showing off your omnipotence if you go and confuse } everyone you talk to. } } One more try. } } Well, I don't know about places, plural, but I do know that I made a } bad choice when I decided to take some time off to visit the Oracular } Temple here in Indiana. These damn priests are everywhere, and they } barely let you finish an answer without^C^C^C^C^C^CNO CARRIER --- 1212-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most secretive yet oddly accessible Oracle, > > Can I sue Yahweh? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, I'm afraid not. } } Firstly, the navel is a design feature, not a bug. While it may only } serve to collect lint and itch in your case, it has bought immeasurable } pleasure to mankind when featured on the likes of, say, Jennifer Lopez. } } Secondly, the appendix is a design feature, not a bug. Humanity has } ignored the instruction "Thou shall not kill" and adopted a omnivorous } existence. If you had been vegetarians, as the Creator commanded, it'd } be busy breaking down cellulose. Yahweh cannot be held responsible } for failure to operate according to instructions. } } Thirdly, the arch of the foot is a design feature, not a bug. Sore } feet forced mankind to invent chairs, which begat desks, which begat } desk computers, which begat the Internet, which gave me a home. } And the Oracle is the pinnacle of Yahweh's creation. } } Lastly, dental caries are a design feature, not a bug. In the Old } Testament, Yahweh was restricted to either futile pleading or striking } people dead with thunder bolts. With the coming of the New Testament } and modern dentistry, he can also threaten people with biting down with } their fillings on aluminium, thus greatly increasing the flexibility } of Divine Wrath. } } I'm afraid you're out of luck. And don't even *think* of blaming } George W Bush on the Big Kahuna - he's strictly the responsibility } of the Other Side. --- 1212-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do all my good answers get ignored and all my crap answers get > digested? I don't get it! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's not total crap. That's what's left when it gets digested. } } sending parts of sentences to you in --- 1212-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Kirsten R. Chevalier" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Sorry, Orrie, but your 10000 years are up, and it's my turn now. > Please leave the premises immediately and precede to Oracular > debriefing. Oh, and make sure you leave Lisa. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle grins to himself. This is an old joke, but he never gets } tired of it. With an elegant handwave, he flicks on a screen. A } beautiful view of static appears. Slightly annoyed, the Oracle hits } the screen twice on the side, and an image appears. A subtitle reads } 'Alternate Future 24-G-xvwm9302-0945fct'. The scene is the High Office } of the Oracle, but something about it is completely wrong. } } Maybe it's the lifesize picture of a caribou against the setting sun } that does it. Or the beer cap collection which, having covered most of } the console already, has started its successful conquest of the } floorspace. It could also be the lynchmob of sizzling priests that are } surrounding something small and shivering, cowering under the desk. } } "Explain yourself!" exclaims one of them, a stately priest wearing a } headband with 'Viva Zadoc!' on it. The figure under the desk mutter } something. "What do you MEAN, warned us about the earthquake? Any } idiot could do that!" The victim furiously mutters something more. } "Listen, buster, we don't CARE about your correct predictions of wars, } famines, lottery numbers, ear and neck disease, alien invasion, Bill } Gates' death, the rise of Atlantis, the decrease of geeks, the return } of..." he is suddenly stopped as a door comes open with a bang. Lisa, } voluptous as ever in a tight leather outfit, gives them all a furious } scowl. "I'm off, then," she says, turns around, and slams the door } behind her again. Several of the priests faint, the rest acquire } murderous glares one would previously have assumed them incapable of. } } "You can't hurt me! I have the Staff of Zot! I can Zot to ashes } whoever tries to lay hand on me," squeals the person beneath the desk. } "Zot all you like, impostor," the spokespriest replies. "We are many, } and have been equipped for the occasion with the power of Toz. Someone } open the window, please." } } As he soars through the air, the soon-to-be-pulp asks himself how he } could have failed. He knew everything! He had learned all possible } futures for the next hundred years. He had memorised the fates of } everyone with more than a 10% chance of seeking him. He had repeated } the word 'Zot' to himself 500 times every night. What, oh what, could } he have done wrong? } } The picture freezes on this face from which so many thoughts can be } read. The Oracle chuckles. "I'm afraid the deal is impossible, } supplicant," he says good-humouredly to the screen. "You may be } skillful, witty and wise. But only the truly omniscient knows the way } to Lisa's G-spot." } } You owe the Oracle a magnified photo of that expression. But hold the } bottle caps, please. --- 1212-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Kirsten R. Chevalier" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Think of a question, think of a question, dammit! > One minute, okay, jeez, I'll get one. > why are we here anyway, this thing is pointless > Listen, do you want to send him a question or not ... come > on, it'll be funny > Don't write that down, your making me sound bad ... here give > it to me > > > > Ah hah, now I have the keyboard ... mwahahahahahahaha > hahaha. and I can ask anything I want .... hmmmmm > > Oh, I know ... how much wood could a--- > > > > No, don't type the woodch*ck question, it's evil in it's > purest form, like Microsoft and MIME format > > Well then, what should I ask? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } -No grovel! ZOT them! ZOT them! } -No, make a Sybil joke! } -What? No, that's stupid, besides I'd get dragged into that whole } alternate mythos thing all over again. } -Give them a clever one-liner, like.... like... okay never mind. } -ZOT them, I tell you! } -Oh go ZOT yourself, you idiot. } -Sex joke! Make a sex joke! } -Enough with the sex jokes, what are you, twelve? } -Look, we really ought to try and be a little funny. } -Then YOU come up with an answer, Einstein! } -I thought of a one-liner! Tell them it's ... no that sucks never mind } -Make like a banana and split! } -What? That's just incoherent. } -All your personality disorders are belong to us! } -That's finally dying out and you want to revive it? } -Sex jokes are very popular, you know. } -So? Go set up the Internet Pornacle. } -Og bash with club! } -There are very few extant / multi-brained Supplicants... } -The Three Faces of Thag! } } You owe the Oracle a cure for Multiple Incarnation Disorder. --- 1212-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I'm looking for a medium term investment, and long-odds betting looks > attractive. Could you let me in on some of the more improbable winners > of major televised sporting events in, say, the next twenty years? > > SALMON DAY - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream > only to get screwed and die in the end. - anon. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sure. As you may have guessed, supplicant, the NFL is on its way out, } to be replaced by the fresh, new XFL. Viewers decide that as long as } they have something *new* to watch, they can put up with the ineptitude } of the current teams, at least until the XFL gets more money and is } able to attract the better players. } } By 2003, the NFL will be relegated to a sideshow on channel 1723 } (standard with the UltiMegaExpanded Viewing Package from your local } cable company). The XFL will reorganize its teams in this year, tossing } out a lot of the older players, the most flamboyant of whom will go on } to make it small in the movie industry, starring in the kind of } low-budget flicks that tend to be available in your local video store } for a week or two, if you know where to look for them. The XFL, knowing } the average attention span of its viewers, will reorganize its teams } every six months, producing some interesting match-ups. } } The winners for each year (for the 2003-2010 period) will be: } } 2003: The San Francisco Raging Red Tigers } 2004: The Austin Undertakers } 2005: The Conestoga Catfish (who would have thought?) } 2006: The San Francisco Raging Red Tigers } 2007: The Dallas Hookers (the cheerleaders get their own team) } 2008: The Salisbury Superheroes (XFL/Marvel Comics crossover year) } 2009: The Dustin Dynamite Deathstroke } 2010: The Klingons (XFL/WorldCon crossover year) } } You owe the Oracle 10% of your winnings. --- 1212-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence (lawrence.4@osu.edu)" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I'm interested in getting a job as a spontaneous combuster. I've > always thought it'd be really cool, but all my friends say it's a > dead end job with no chance of promotion. What are my prospects? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Supplicant... everyone that I know that has entered this job has been } fired unexpectedly, so it's not the sort of field I'd be burning to } get into. Still, even the Oracle can't predict if one day this might } explode into the hot new field of the 21st century, so if you're } the sort that likes to take risks (and judging from that party last } weekend, I'd stay that's a 'yes'), go for it. } } Oh, and watch out for the union... they're a bunch of ashholes. } } You owe the Oracle some charcoal and 1000 PSI's worth of pressure. --- 1212-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > > Turns out that there is a massive conspiracy against me at work. > People are always sneering at me under cover of fake smiles, and > making rude comments like, "Hey you, stop pinching my bottom!", or, > "Your habitual absenteeism will get you fired someday" (why do they > care about my religion? Isn't that illegal?) This recently came to > a crisis point when my boss grumbled "working with you is a trial"; > and I'm not even a lawyer! I'm CERTAINLY not going to give that > moron any legal advice. > > The obvious conclusion, which I reached last night, is that they ... > must ... PAAAAAAAAAAY! So where do I go from here? BTW, I am a > pacifist and a vegan, so the more traditional outlets for employee > dissatisfaction are pretty much out. > > Please advise. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The pacifist knows that physical pain is secondary, indeed, incidental, } to pain of the spirit. Thus, violence is eschewed lest by inflicting } physical pain the aggressor is more fundamentally wounded in spirit. } Your philosophy, therefore, rather than limiting your retributive } options, expands them immeasurably. Your belief in higher forms of } pain gives rise to the notion that such pain might be intentionally } inflicted. Being a disgruntled pacifist lets you skip the more mundane } physical mayhem and move right up to doing some serious spirit harm. } } Feeling a lofty, condescending sort of concern for my supplicant, } I feel compelled to warn that a consciousness of your unparalleled } hypocrisy in disdaining physical violence while intentionally } committing more essential offenses could inflict upon you inestimable } remorse and self-loathing. Also, from the description of your } interaction with co-workers, it seems that a little self-examination } may lead you to conclude that you are already inflicting record } amounts of spiritual harm on your colleagues, just by being you. } } In your case, however, self-awareness seems like a pretty remote } danger. Here, then, are a few morsels of metaphysical meanness to } stimulate your stunted, spiteful supplicant soul. } } 1) Befriend an OSHA advocate, an IRS auditor and an SEC investigator. } (They will like you.) Commiserate with each of them, "off the record," } about the business practices of your company. } } 2) Subscribe to all of the alt.conspiracy newsgroups, and auto-forward } the postings to your company's Everyone list. } } 3) Notify your boss and the company's Safe Workplace advocate that, } personally, you are offended by people inhaling, exhaling and blinking } where you can see them. Frequently quote lengthy sections of the } company's sexual harassment policy verbatim. } } 4) Every time someone leaves their desk, stick a post-it note on } their monitor that says "Where have you been?" signed with the boss' } first name. Readjust the height of their chair while you are there. } } 5) Use duct tape on the carpet to define your "personal space." } Insist people get your permission before crossing it. Make sure your } space takes up half of the adjoining hallway. } } 6) During lunch, pop lots of microwave popcorn and dump a little in } everyone's garbage containers. } } 7) After each staff meeting, stand up, smile, throw your arms wide } and say, "Group hug!" } } 8) Anonymously inform Human Resources of your department's need for } Sensitivity Training on various topics: Halitosis, Food Phobias, } Makeup Thickness of Choice, etc. } } 9) Confide the following to various colleagues: " } just told me that just bought a gun! Why would } need one of those?" } } 10) Get yourself promoted to management. } } You owe the Oracle a photocopy of your blighted little conscience. --- 1212-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Grand Oracle, whose wit is faster than a rail gun and whose > ideas are more weighty than a depleted uranium slug, > > Is organized crime better than random violence? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } They both have their pros and cons. The Oracle has always been } a fan of organized crime, ever since Alexander the Great made it } respectable. } The best thing about random violence is the hours. You get to pick } your own, and sometimes the pay is pretty good. The drawback to random } violence is that there's no health insurance. A free agent criminal } mastermind has to fend for him/herself, unless he/she can extort or } threaten a doctor or hospital into treating his/her wounds. } Organized crime has many benefits. Health care, comraderie, good } chances for promotion and basic group protection from other criminal } elements. Its main drawback is angering a co-worker, which can get } you knee-capped or dead. } The Oracle suggests you attend a local Crime-Fair, and speak to } the representatives of the various factions, families and cartels who } may offer you a career. Or you might try freelancing for awhile (try } some B & Es, a little counterfeiting or perhaps try and get elected) } to see if it suits you. } The Oracle wishes you luck in your job choice. He knows you'll do } well. Crime does pay. Ask any public official. --- 1212-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Charles M. Hannum" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most vigilant and scrutinizing, > > Which star has the best underwear? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The morning star, Venus.