From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Wed Jan 9 14:34:55 2002 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.11.6/8.11.6/IUCS_2.43) id g09J5cb14209; Wed, 9 Jan 2002 14:05:38 -0500 (EST) Date: Wed, 9 Jan 2002 14:05:38 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200201091905.g09J5cb14209@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1243 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1243 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1243 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 09 Jan 2002 14:05:25 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1243 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1238 62 votes ggbb8 26jkf 6ln84 br8c4 1ajlb 19nib 2aqj5 cgl94 5blj6 57ago 1238 3.1 mean 2.7 3.6 2.7 2.5 3.5 3.5 3.2 2.6 3.2 3.8 --- 1243-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Paul Kelly The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, I am not worthy of your Answers, only say the word and I > shall be healed. Oh Oracle, your time is more precious than gold, and > your knowledge broader than the seas. > > Is it not true that the real reason that the native Americans were so > kind to the pilgrims in the Plymouth colony was that the tribe had been > decimated by smallpox contracted from visiting european fisherman, and > that the tribe was under military threat from the Wampanoags to the > west? Is it not true that they views the pilgrims, or more accurately > the pilgrims' long arms, as a sort of salvation from the Wampanoag > threat? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Pilgrims landed at Plymouth Rock (which they spelled Plimouth) } on November 21, 1620, but the great smallpox epidemic wasn't until } 1775, so that wasn't it. } } The Pilgrims *were* a primitive people, but their arms weren't so long } that their knuckles dragged knuckles on the ground, so that wasn't it. } } The name "Wampanoag" means "Eastern people," and I don't know how } they could be afraid of Wampanoags to the West, so that wasn't it. } } So why, then, would the native Americans on the beach welcome the } Pilgrims? Manhattan. Yes, dear supplicant, the native Americans } owned Manhattan which they recognized as a useless island in the } middle of the river. They knew its only potential was to become an } overcrowded cesspool of humanity, rife with crime and smelling of } urine, fit only for Democrats. They knew that one day, a fourth year } baseball team from out in the "Stinking Desert" (as they called it) } would defeat the team of aura, destiny and mystique with one out in } the bottom of the ninth inning. Being from Massachusetts, they knew } tomatoes ruin clam chowder. } } They dumped Manhattan on the unsuspecting Pilgrims for the outrageously } high price of $24 in shiny beads, then, as soon as they were out of } earshot, held a party that still makes the Times Square New Year's } celebration pale in comparison. } } The native Americans' only regret was that the Pilgrims left Manhattan } where it was, instead of taking it back with them to England. } } So the answer to both of your questions is "yes, it is not true." } } You owe the Oracle something to stuff this turkey with. Oh, wait, } never mind. It's not empty. How about a couple of tickets to the } Diamondbacks home opener next season instead? --- 1243-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Internet Oracle (TM), whose intelligence is as intelligence does, > Did you have a Merry Christmas? I ask because, as I can see from > Internet Oracularities #1242, nobody wished you a Merry Christmas. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This might come as a shock, but I don't observe Christmas. Aside from } the fact that I already *know* what people are going to give me for a } gift, it seems kind of, well, uncomfortable to be celebrating Chris's } birthday in December when he was born in the spring. } } Thanks for the sentiment, though. I hope you saw a good movie on Dec } 17th, Dionysus Zakynthos's day, and a warm bonfire during Yule, and a } good sing-along for Solstice, and a bright Hanukkah. } } Oh, and a happy New Year, both solar (Julian and Gregorian) and lunar, } and I hope you had a Happy New Year on both Equinoxes too. --- 1243-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Send me an answer, dammit! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Okay, sheesh. Settle down. } } Let's see, hmm, oh! Here's a long one. Hope you like it! } } --------------------------------------------- } } Yes, you do get different sorts of answers from different } parts of the globe, here's some samples: } } == Europe/UK =========================================================== } } The Continent: } } Russia: Weird and continuous variations on Yeltsin/vodka/Mafia } jokes. } Example: } [ http://cgi.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/oracul.cgi?N=1038-09 ] } } Scandinavia: Burzum references, Odin 'jokes', Microsoft bashing } Example: } [ http://cgi.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/oracul.cgi?N=970-01 ] } } The UK: Spelling/Grammar flames, Monty Python, jokes about } royalty, high level literature references } Example: } [ http://cgi.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/oracul.cgi?N=959-09 ] } } == North America ======================================================= } } East Coast: Snotty Canadians that blast everything from the US } on reflex OR snotty Eastern Seaboard Americans that } reflexively bash anything in a hope to seem ironically } bored, just like Dave Letterman. } Example: } [ http://cgi.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/oracul.cgi?N=835-02 ] } } Mid USA: Television loving & slapstick jokes galore-land } Example: } [ http://cgi.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/oracul.cgi?N=1060-03 ] } } Western US: Drug jokes, weird literary references, Politically } correct gibberish } Example: } [ http://cgi.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/oracul.cgi?N=759-06 ] } } == Pacifica ============================================================ } } Hawaii: The one joke ever sent in from Hawaii got a 3.1 score,hmmm } Example: } [ http://cgi.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/oracul.cgi?N=1007-05 ] } } New Zealand: Severely proper and polite replies, often spelled } correctly, though with a marked love of off color sheep } jokes. } Example: } [ http://cgi.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/oracul.cgi?N=1100-07 ] } } Australia: DANGER! DANGER Will Robinson!! This is the sinkhole of } good questions. Two seconds spend on a reply from here } is the norm. Some think we'd be bettered off routing } around Australia. Mentioning beer will get you an answer } that is more that ten words long however. } Example: } [ http://cgi.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/oracul.cgi?N=1095-01 ] } } ======================================================================== } } You owe the Oracle a whole bunch of clocks. --- 1243-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > You know everything. God knows, you know everything! In fact, > you and God both know everything. So you know God's plan for me, > which I certainly don't. I've tried asking Him, and get no > response. But every time I ask you a question, I get a reply. > > What is God's plan for me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Actually, God recently privatised the planning department. A few minor } deities remarked to him on the great potential for diversity and that } it might be an idea to franchise out the areas of planning and } development and bring some new blood into the almighty organisation. } Apparently God's been observing the recent restructuring operation in } the rapidly expanding HellCorp(tm) with some scrutiny, and is keen to } ensure he remains abreast of their close competitors at all times. } } Planning and development is currently outsourced to Omnipotence plc, a } multi-deity consortium currently under the administrative control of a } panel of experienced business-oriented individuals. And, supplicant, } it's your lucky day, because it just so happens that yours truly is on } that panel. } } We're undergoing a huge change in the way we operate. Subject to the } approval of the investors, we will be making significant changes in the } way in which the method of planning is executed. It's a very exciting } time for all concerned, and you, supplicant, will be pleased to hear } that you are as centrally involved this new operation as everyone else } is. } } The old methods of planning were cumbersome and inefficient, and } required a lot of funding and staffing in order to operate. An } individual, bespoke plan had to be produced for each new individual } upon his or her inception. Since there's at least one baby born every } minute, or thereabouts, this means that to provide a workable plan for } that individual (which, to be fair, takes even a minor deity about half } an hour, mainly due to bureaucratic necessities involved in filing the } final plan) needs a staff of at least 500 working continuously. In your } case alone, I can tell you the plan as it stands for you at the moment } spans four pages, and it reads about as plainly as War and Peace. It } turns out we had a trainee deity working on yours at the time of your } birth, and you were born late in his shift and he wasn't really that } awake. } } What we're going to do in a dramatic change to the system (and we have } a crack team of the best management deities at work as we speak on } this) is instead of producing many billions of bespoke plans } continuously, is to produce a set of 3 general plans as follows:- } } PLAN ONE: Significantly change the world. Improve the areas of } scientific study or bring a new sense of order to an otherwise } disorderly area. Die as a hero at an appropriate time. } } PLAN TWO: Don't change the world in any specific sense, but meet the } girl/boy of your dreams and find true happiness, and allow the plan one } designates to get on with it. } } Unfortunately, I'm not at this time permitted to reveal the details of } plan three. It's extremely complicated and involves complex uses of } business ethics and monopolisation, and really couldn't be justifiably } discussed with a member of the plan deployment population such as } yourself. The only consolation I can offer is that you are *definitely* } not earmarked for plan one or three. } } Yes, that's right, you can sit back in your job, relax and forget about } researching that new political theory you were contemplating the other } day. It's not necessary, and you won't discover much anyway. You should } get out more and try and encourage plan two to kick in. Once you get it } rolling, you won't be wasting time worrying about the plan at all, } you'll be able to forget about it and let it work for you, as we here } at Omnipotence plc intended. We've designed these three plans to cover } the entire population, and significantly reduce the workload on the } existing staff in planning and development, meaning they can work more } on development. And there are some exciting things going on there, } trust me. They're working on sequels to most of the major religious } works. I hear they're going to try and go for trilogies, taking } inspiration from Tolkien. I can't see it working myself, but they } assure me it's a marketable idea. } } You owe the Oracle a break. And give God one, too. Sometimes it's just } best to let us get on with it without interrupting all the time. --- 1243-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, you think counter-clockwise, > You know things that no mortal can know, > Before you I shiver and bow! > Answer me just this little question, > With a wise and well thought-out suggestion: > > I am alone on Christmas' day, > From all my friends so far away, > But 2 of them I met online, > They both, they sayd: "Come by! > To cuddle and to drink some wine.", > And so I asked them "Well, may I?". > > But now I got this little problem here: > It's cold outside, and snowing far and near! > The one is 200km away, the other further, > And if I don't come, I'll either hurt her, > Or the other. > And yes, I bother! > > Is there a right thing to do or is there none? > Shall I drive in this weather, or shall I stay home? > Shall I drive to the second maiden or the first, > What's best for me and what is worst? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Before you travel out into that cold and driving snow, } The Oracle thinks there are two things you ought to know: } The first of these fine maidens that you found upon the Net } Is not the girl she seems to be. Her real name is Brett. } } He's a telephone repair man from backwoods Tennessee, } His one good eye is bloodshot, his fingers number three, } His weight is his IQ multiplied by twenty-six, } And he likes to surf the chat rooms impersonatin' chicks } } As for the other lassie, she has a secret too, } One thing's for sure, she's not a guy, it's true. } Although she seems as sweet as a bowl of maraschinos } I tracerouted her IP. Dude, it's Janet Reno. } } My advice for you, my son, this cold and windy night: } Just stay at home and keep those chat-room "ladies" out of sight } Read a book, drink buttered rum, stay curled up in bed, } It's best this way, believe me, to stay at home instead. } } You owe the Oracle some of that hot buttered rum. --- 1243-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise, > > Where is the Gingerbread man? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You too? Man, I feel your pain. They always tell you } they'll meet you between 1-5pm, and then they don't } show up, as if you have nothing better to do than sit } down and wait for them all day! } } For two weeks, I've been trying to get him out here to } replace my marzipan fence, and every day it's always } "sorry, I got stuck on another job," or "I had a } gumdrop shipment arrive late today," or "your } marshmallows finally came in... what? Oh, MARZIPAN? } Oh, no... I'll have to special order that." It took } forever just to get an estimate from this bozo! } } And their subcontractors are no better. A couple of } years ago, we wanted to update the family room. } Nothing fancy- just some licorice wainscotting and a } couple coats of royal icing on the walls. It took us } over a month to find a guy to take the job, and by the } time he was done, it was a disaster! The licorice was } off-center, and he only put on one coat of icing when } we specifically requested two. } } Sure enough, when we withheld payment, he threatened } to put a lien on the house. I was already up to my } eyeballs on the mortgage, and do you know how much it } costs to hire an attorney who specializes in } baked-good properties? It ain't cheap, buddy. } Ultimately, we relented and just paid him to go away. } } I recommend that before you do something you'll regret } for the rest of your life, cancel your appointment } with this moron, and go find yourself a nice } gingerbread condo. The prices are more reasonable, and } one monthly fee covers everything; why mow your own } Jujubee lawn, when you can hire someone to do it for } you? } } You owe the Oracle: prime acreage in Candyland. --- 1243-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is opera always in Italian? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Were you referring specifically to Mozart's Zauberfloete? Or perhaps } les Indes Galantes by Jean-Philippe Rameau? } } Oh, sorry, my ability to understand anything in any language has } allowed me to translate those operas accidentally into Italian, in my } mind. In fact, my brain is right now running on excessively high } pressure as I run a dual performance of those two operas } simultaneously, in Italian, inside my own head, each one playing in its } own hemisphere. } } O cantare si bello! Questa bella canta! } } Not' e giorno faticar, per che nulla sa gradir... } } Oops, the high pressure has me singing to you in Italian. There's } something about that language that inspires the voice. Perhaps it's } that while in Italian you might hold a tone, "O..............." for } five or ten seconds, the attempt to do the same in German could give } you "Ach................" and the reulting spray of spit over your } listeners might not be conducive to good reviews. } } You owe the Oracle an operatic voice half as good as Jussi Bjoerling, } or three sixty-fourths as good as Enrico Caruso. --- 1243-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Would you like some of my lovley Christmas cake? Last peice, and I > saved it for you... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Why yes! Thanks. The door in the garage keeps blowing closed and I } need a doorstop about that size. Thanks. } } You owe the Oracle a pair of tongs. --- 1243-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Askme! Askme! Oh, yeah, baby! Askme again! Tellme! Mmmmmmmm, tellme! > TELLME! Make me grovel like the lowly supplicant that I am! > > Wow, that was amazing. Nobody gives good advice like you do. So, > what do I owe you? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The same that he's owing. --- 1243-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most rational Oracle, your clear thinking and practical knowledge > are renown across the surface of the World, which makes you a big > star. > > Did USENET used to serve a useful purpose? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Your Oracle weeps profusely in response to your ignorance. } } Here's an example of the *most* important (past, present, or future) } purpose of USENET: } } The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. } Your question was: } } > am i more like i am now than when i first walked in? } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } [Dr. Oracle gets a whispered warning as he approaches the } } "treatment room."] } } } } "Be careful, Dr. Oracle. This one may be dangerous." } } } } "I'm not worried. If you had seen some of the supplicants I have } } prognosticated for, you'd know that this one is tame by comparison." } } } } [The door opens revealing a woman with short greasy dark blond hair. } } She holds a spoon in her mouth with which she has been typing on an } } old Smith-Corona manual typewriter. Her hands are tied behind her } } in a dirty canvas straight jacket and her flowered dress is wrinkled } } and torn. Her feet are bare.] } } } } [She runs to the corner where she sits on the cement floor with her } } head between her knees as Dr. Oracle walks to the typewriter and } } pulls the paper from it. From the sheet he reads the single line } } that she has typed:] } } } } am i more like i am now than when i first walked in? } } } } [Dr. Oracle carefully examines the shift key on the typewriter, then } } the shift lock key and finds both to be completely non-functional. } } He then walks slowly to the corner where the woman is still hiding. } } He finally speaks:] } } } } "Nice try, but you can't fool the Oracle. I might have fallen for } } your ruse if you had grovelled a bit first. Any mortal knows better } } than to question the Oracle without sufficient grovelling first. But } } the clear giveaway was [trumpets blare triumphantly in the } } background] THE QUESTION MARK! Since 1827, when Mr. Smith first laid } } out this God-awful keyboard, before he even had met Mr. Corona, the } } question mark has been a shifted character. Now get out of here." } } } } [The woman stands, begins to shimmer, then, with an almost blinding } } intensity of light emanating from where she stood, she disappears. } } The light returns to normal and Dr. Oracle leaves, muttering:] } } } } "Walked in. Ha. Slipped in through a rift in the space-time } } continuum is more like it. I guess I showed her. Ha." } } } } You owe the Oracle a blackboard with "YOU CAN'T FOOL THE ORACLE" } } written on it 100 times. } } What's so special about this particular interaction? It happens to be } this incarnation's first published Oracularity, that's what. 369-07, } circa 8 Nov 91. Not my personal favorite, but it did get 3.8 in the } voting. Remember, you're talking to an Oracle whose name used to be } the USENET Oracle. } } You owe the Oracle an apology. And I'm still waiting for the } blackboard.