From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Fri Feb 15 10:38:32 2002 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.11.6/8.11.6/IUCS_2.44) id g1FFB8X04314; Fri, 15 Feb 2002 10:11:08 -0500 (EST) Date: Fri, 15 Feb 2002 10:11:08 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200202151511.g1FFB8X04314@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1249 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1249 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1249 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 15 Feb 2002 10:10:55 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1249 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1244 46 votes 5ade4 88fb4 49bbb 7ea96 4ec97 69eb6 15ld6 47dd9 05u92 57fa9 1244 3.1 mean 3.0 2.9 3.3 2.8 3.0 3.0 3.4 3.3 3.2 3.2 --- 1249-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > what is ebola And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ebola is a virus, named after a river in the Democratic Republic of the } Congo (formerly Zaire) in Africa, where it was first recognized. The } virus is one of two members of a family of RNA viruses called the } Filoviridae. Three of the four species of Ebola virus identified so far } have caused disease in humans: Ebola-Gates, Ebola-Bush, and } Ebola-Supplicant. The fourth, Ebola-bola, has caused disease in } nonhuman primates, but not in humans. } } The signs and symptoms of Ebola hemorrhagic fever are not the same for } all supplicants. The table below outlines symptoms of the disease, } according to the frequency with which they have been reported in known } cases. } } Symptoms that occur Symptoms that occur } in Supplicants who in Supplicants who } Time Frame do not grovel do grovel } ---------- ----------------------- -------------------- } Within a few days of high fever, headache, sore throat, hiccups, } becoming infected muscle aches, stomach rash, red and itchy } with the virus: pain, fatigue, eyes, possible but } explosive diarrhea, occasional diarrhea } spam formations, } blindness } } Within one week of chest pain, shock, nose boredom, headaches } becoming infected fungus, muscle spasms, } with the virus Windows crashes, ethics } lectures from } Bill Clinton, and death } } You owe the Oracle nothing. In fact, here's a ticket for a Congo } Safari for you. --- 1249-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Great Oracle Whose Jokes Are Always Funny! > > I know that I often think of the funniest joke > about a subject after it the subject has been > overdone and everyone else is tired of hearing > about the topic. Do you have any good chad > jokes that you haven't had an chance to share > now that they are passe? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Give it up Mr. Gore, your fifteen minutes is up. --- 1249-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Paul Kelly The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O, most perfect being, whose countenance shines forth > upon the planet like a klieg light, might you consider > coming to my aid? > > My Cat likes to BE under blankets. She just BEs there. > My Other Cat will sometimes tread upon the lump, hear > Cat give a squawk, and run for the hills. Other times > Other Cat will see a lump, Cat in full view, and test > it fearfully with her paw, fearing to tread there. > It appears Other Cat has put 2 + 2 together and come > up with 1. > > How should I proceed? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Great. Just as I was getting ready for bed. } Hold on a sec, let me the ole Decryptonator... } there. (HEY! Where's the oil for the } Decrypto? Yeah, you there... get me some } oil... and wind up the Computor too... no, } I'm busy... Listen missy, can you tell me } why the heck I'm paying you the big } bucks? That's right..... that's right.... } and what else? That's *right*!! Now go } and get me the oil, go wind up the Computor, } and then wait for me. NO, you can't take } a nap. I'll be right there... no, it } can't... no, it can't wait.. you're not } listening... no... no.. wai... *CRASH* } *BANG* *KAPOW*... oh, great. Now it'll } never work... great. */$%! Ok, fine, } go take a nap.) Ahem.. sorry about that. } Now... let's see if this thing still works... } } (whirr... click click click...) } } OrSoft Decryptonator, v. 1.02 (c) 1850-2002 } This program is protected under divine copyright laws. } Available semantic spacememory: 72 TBytes. } Available co-orthogonal processors: 16,384 MCPUs. } Availabpe parallelism pipelines: 2e+12. } Available disk space: 12 PBytes. } [C5462: WARNING] You are running low on system resources. } } I am the Decryptonator, please, enter message to } be decoded. Each time you are finished talking, } type RET twice. } } My Cat likes to BE under blankets. } } Why do you say cat might want to be blankets? } } She just BEs there. } } What makes you believe she just bes there? } } My Other Cat will sometimes tread upon the lump, hear } Cat give a squawk, and run for the hills. } } Earlier you said cat would like to be blankets? } } Other times other Cat will see a lump, Cat in full view, and test it } fearfully with her paw, fearing to tread there. } } Maybe your plans have something to do with this. } } It appears Other Cat has put 2 + 2 together and come } up with 1. } } Are you sure that that? } } How should I proceed? } } Is it because should you proceed that you came to me? } } [Z0321: ERROR] Out of swap. Shutting down. } } Argh... I shoulda known... damn $%#&* broke the } thing. It never ran out of swap before. } Ok, tell you what, this one's on me. Now } get outta here, I'm busy... --- 1249-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Would you like some of this yummy woodchuck pie ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No. Tried some once. Spent the whole next day chucking out logs. --- 1249-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > General Oracle SAH!! > > [Salute Salute] > > Once again, your military genius shines like a beacon, lighting the > way for we lieutenants who are destined to follow you. Your latest > bombing campaign once again proves that you have the right stuff, the > ability take the bull by the horns and lead it out of the corral and > onto the sweet pasture of er... freedom and... erm... the American > way...and ...er... > > General Oracle SAH!! > > [Salute Salute] > > What was my question again..? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You're not paid to ask questions soldier, you follow orders. } } Now, stand up straight with your arms above your head and jump off this } here cliff. } } (Splat) } } >General Oracle SAH!! Why did Commander Pablowski jump off that cliff? } } You're not paid to ask questions soldier, you follow orders. } } Now, crouch down into a square kind of shape and jump of this cliff! } } (Splat) } } >General Oracle SAH!! Why did Private Coblooski jump off that cliff? } } You're not paid to ask questions soldier, you follow orders. } } Now, Stand on your left leg, with your right leg tucked up underneath } you, and with your right arm straight up in the air and jump off this } cliff. See if you can land between those first two guys will you? } } (Splat) } } >General Oracle SAH!! Why did Corporal Pecowitz jump off that cliff? } } You're not paid to ask questions soldier, you follow orders. } } Now, bend forwards and stand with your arms pointing out sideways } making a kind of stunted T shape and then jump off this cliff. See if } you can fill the gap between that last fellow and that rock will you? } } (Splat) } } Wahay! I made a line!! } } >General Oracle SAH!! Why did Lieutenant Arlcof jump off that cliff? } } You're not paid to ask questions soldier, you follow orders. } } Now, go down there and shovel those guys out of the way, then get the } next battalion ready } } You owe the oracle some fresh batteries for his Gameboy. Playing Tetris } this way just takes far too long. --- 1249-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty Oracle with the highest post count of any message board... > > Why does Ed spam our boards so very very very VERY much...? > > Your servant. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ed has raised a few eyebrows at the winter Olympics. I think } his revolutionary treatment for snowboards will pay off in the } end. Who would think that the fine meat product from Hormel } Foods Corporation would be such a wonderful substitute for wax? } I've heard Ed is now experimenting with Cheese Whiz for repairing } bobsleds. --- 1249-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh stupendous Oracle who knows how to make sense of the most utterly > stupid things, please enlighten me as to how this could happen: > > A friend of mine is an airline pilot in the US, and has a mustache. > Recently, while going through "staff only" airport security, they > confiscated his mustache clipper, while giving him "the eye" for trying > to smuggle such a dangerous weapon onto a plane. But he's the *pilot*! > If we wanted to kidnap the plane, he wouldn't need a weapon, he's > driving the thing to begin with! I have this mental picture of him > threatening himself with the clipper to his own throat and forcing > himslef to crash the plane... > > Shortly thereafter his bosses called him for a meeting, where he was > reprimanded for the above behaviour, and was also informed that all > pilots may soon be required to have firearms on board. No mustache > clippers, though - those are dangerous. > > Does this make any sense whatsoever? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear supplicant, } } You have asked me about airport security. A man named...is this } "einstein?" said it best. } } "There's only one different between the universe and human } stupidity. The universe has a limit." } } Really. Airports hire idiot high school dropouts so they can pay } them less. --- 1249-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ???oot sdrow ym gnillortnoc strats ti erofeb od I can tahW - eldnah ot > em rof hcum oot eb ot gnitrats s'tI > ?tuosecapsehttfel ti woh rebmemer ,taht erofeB > .gnilley rof draob egassem etirovaf ym ffo dekcik tog I dna SPAC LLA > gnoid saw ti keew tsal ,rebmemer uoy erus m'I sA > .tluciffid oot si it dnim kaew ym rof tub **forward** sgniht etirw nac > I ,drah yllaer yrt I fI > !!niaga pu gnitca si draobyek yM .melborp a evah ot mees I > *great one* ,si tahT > ....esiW tsoM elcarO O And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Goodness. I haven't been called Eno in a long time. } } Yes, I know about your keyboard. You with the ergonomic keyboards, } always trying out new methods. First with using your pinky fingers } instead of your thumbs for the spacebar. Then using footpedals for } the metakeys: alt, ctrl and SHIFT. And now you read about turning } your keyboard upside down so you can push up with your fingers and } "increase hand strength." } } For your own sake, just bite the bullet and learn how to touch-type } in dvorak. You'll still be able to type 'woodch*ck' and balance the } typing between your two hands to reduce repeditive stress. } } You owe the elcarO a crab canon, played backwards. --- 1249-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Grated Oracle I am not good speak of english excuse please. > Want learn speak english perfect. Help please fast need now. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Listen Yoda, the world loves you the way you are. Don't change. --- 1249-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "BJ Backitis" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most well-adjusted, > what would *you* do with a drunken sailor? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It depends what he got drunk on. } } If he got drunk on beer, I would have him deep fried in a thin light } batter, and served with chips (fries for American supplicants). If he } got drunk on wine then I would have him as a casserole, and served with } crusty French bread. Anything else and I would have him pickled and } saved for later. Of course, if he is too young I would have to throw } him back into the sea. } } I would tell you about the size of the sailor I caught last week but } you would not believe me. Tune in next week for some serving } suggestions for accountants. } } You owe the Oracle the drunken members of N'Sync.