From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Fri Mar 22 10:36:57 2002 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.11.6/8.11.6/IUCS_2.44) id g2MF2O312521; Fri, 22 Mar 2002 10:02:24 -0500 (EST) Date: Fri, 22 Mar 2002 10:02:24 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200203221502.g2MF2O312521@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1255 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1255 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1255 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 22 Mar 2002 10:02:10 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1255 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1250 59 votes 6bje9 2clf9 1fke9 66ep8 84pg6 8fie4 9kl63 48oda 4ghj3 58ep7 1250 3.1 mean 3.2 3.3 3.3 3.4 3.1 2.8 2.6 3.3 3.0 3.4 --- 1255-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, > > What is the most pointlessly violent sport ever played in human > history? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Obviously, it's politics. Nothing else is quite as pointless and it } takes a lot of hard work to be a good windbag! } } You owe the Oracle a furnace & bellows to corner the market on hot air; } there's an election year coming up... --- 1255-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, why is it that the birds only come to my bird > feeder at dusk, when I can't see them well enough to identify them? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's difficult, even for the Oracle, to say 'why' a bird } does anything. Birds are notoriously stupid and impulsive. } In your case it seems you just have some rather shy birds } that have develop a habit of bathing before they nest for } the night. Let us instead focus on how you can best identify } your nocturnal bathing birds. } } * Set up a low-light video cam at the bird bath, then watch } the birds in the privacy of your own home on your monitor. } While you're at it set up other cams to watch the bathing } chicks in the apartment building next door. [0] } } * Huge klieg lights with the off on switch in your home. } As soon as the birds land. LET THERE BE LIGHT. } } * Super glue on the bird bath rim. Then you can walk right } up to the birds and view them at your leisure. } } * Study the birds the way Audubon did. Shoot them, then look } at them up close. } } You owe the Oracle a feather pillow. } } [0] Check for legality in your locale. --- 1255-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Ancient Sage, > how does racial memory work? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } As you know, recollection of memory is terran brains and computers is } performed by re-running a signal across a path it once ran along before } when the original stimulus signal was experienced. } } When you're trying to recall something, you (well, in an abstract } sense,) try to cue the same signal to run the same path so you can } recreate the experience. The brain won't know in advance which path } the signal should go down, so it fires signals down many many paths for } sorting out the experiences later. } } With many signals down many paths, the experience that is recreated } first tends to be the most impressive. Thus, it's a bit of a race } between these signals running down paths to see who can finish first } and be the most prominent memory. } } The sort of memory that comes from this try-every-path racing, is } called, naturually, a racial memory, and the term is used for when you } are trying to recall a specific single time you did something } repetititve. } } For instance, if you try recalling your question, the terms 'racial } memory' and 'genetic memory' will both vie for recollection, but since } there's fewer letters in 'racial' than 'genentic', odds are that the } former word's memory will win the race, appear in your mind first, and } appear to you to be the best term to use. } } You owe the Oracle a 500-word essay on futility of 'genetic purity'. } You may cite from March of Dimes and the royalty of Europe for examples } of the dangers of inbreeding. --- 1255-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the largest known prime number? > > No, wait, that's not really what I want to know. What is the smallest > unknown prime number? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The smallest unknown prime number is a penny. } } After removing all the unknown numbers not prime, and all the small } primes not unknown, and all the unknown primes not a number, only one } possibility remains. Penny Stanizewski, 1421 Eurbean Waundub Memorial } Ln., Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, U.S.A. She's small, she's unknown, } she's PRIME, and boy-o-boy, what a number she does when she takes out } her retainer. } } You owe the Oracle a quip about Penny and pi. --- 1255-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most prescient Oracle, who's brackets are never busted, or at least > never on the opening weekend. > > What exactly is a Saluki? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Now that's a good question! I had to resort to one of my old } memory-enhancing tricks (which I call GOOGLE, short for "Gosh! } Old Oracle Got Lost Egain")(I know, "again" is spelled with an 'a' but } then it wouldn't work as an acronym) but I think I found the answer: } } The Saluki, or gazelle hound, is a breed of dog with a story that goes } back to before recorded human history. It apparently originated in } the Middle East, and was bred for speed and stamina as a hunting dog. } It was frequently seen in the company of desert nomads, lounging in } large numbers on the front porch of a tent with one or more camels } propped up on cinder blocks in the front yard ... wait a minute, } that's the entry for a 'coon hound. } } The breed standard describes a long, narrow head; sloping, muscular } shoulders; wide hips; large, oval, hazel to dark brown eyes; and a } smooth, soft, silky coat... no, wait, that's my wife's description. } } You should contact your local kennel club or veterinarian for more } information. But keep your cotton-pickin' hands offa my 'coon hound! --- 1255-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, most creative! > > I want to win a darwanian award. Any good suggestions? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Instead of playing a live RPG, recreate Frogger on the streets of New } York City. --- 1255-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who shall watch the watchers? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } TIMEX, watch makers for Immortals world wide! } } [ A lofty mist shroud mountain somewhere near Tibet. A council } of hood shrouded men sit in tall obsidian chairs around a } glyph decorated circle on the floor. In the center of the } circle stands a thin man in a gray flannel suit. Before } him is an opened attache case full of cheap watches. The } Watchers at times turn their measured glances from the } man to their wrists where shiny new time-pieces are bound.] } } Man: You may at times wonder, "What time is it in Tokyo?" } Just push the utility button and it shows the time } in a pre-set area. } } Watcher Tol: Mine flashes like lightening at sea, yet of } Tokyo it tells naught. } } Man: Not the re-set button. The other one. } } Watcher Dur: Aye. My clock doth tell of the hour in } the land of the chrysanthemums. It is a } time of fast breaking there. } } Man: Exactly. } } Watcher Glod: And our very movements, pendulous and } sure, wind the mechanisms? } } Man: Yup! No batteries or winding needed. } } Watcher Tol: And if we buy 600, we will get some } sort of bargain? } } Man: Yes, 10 percent off and I'll throw in 66 ladies' } models for gratis. } } [ All the Watchers murmur approval and nod. ] } } Watcher Tol: You have made a sale. } } Man: Great. Now, could I interest you guys in some } slightly used owls? I've got a matched brace } of Great Horned. . . } } Watcher Dur: Don't push it mortal. --- 1255-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O, mighty Oracle, I beg you to shine the magnificent light of your > wisdom upon my unworthy eyes: What steps should I take to have the > best chance of dating a starlet? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Being a normal non-rich, non-Hollywood person, you have } two (2) chances of dating a starlet: } * Fat } * Slim } } You owe the Oracle one (1) serious attempt to court the gal } next door. --- 1255-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O mighty Oracle of great fighting stock! > May I inquire to ask "What's up, doc?", > > My keyboard has two columns of keys. I can't figure out what they're > for, and I'm too chicken to actually try them lest I kill my system. > They're called "Stop", "Again", "Props", "Front", "Open", and "Find". And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Whoa! It's a good thing you didn't touch them; do you mean you missed } the training class where they explain the proper uses of the karma } keys? You see, those keys aren't really connected to the computer } (unless you're a really twisted individual.) They are actually an } interface to the local karma web, and if you don't know what you're } doing, you can really mess up your karma, and that of those nearby. } For example, the "stop" key by itself introduces a bug somewhere in } your work. It's a little too much for this mail to explain the whole } thing, so you should ask your local sysadmin for help programming your } karma. However, go ahead and hit "Props" all you like, since that } merely gives respect to the Trimurti. } } You owe the Oracle the latest Sun workstation. --- 1255-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, > > They say an apple a day keeps the doctor away. I tried this when my > mom took me to the doctor for a blood test today, but apparently it > doesn't keep the nurse away - she just took a bite out of the apple > and set it aside, then gave me the test anyhow! > > Am I using the wrong breed of apple, or do I just need to throw it > harder? Also, do you think coconuts would work better, or maybe those > four-inch ice cubes they use to keep drinks cool at outdoor parties? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Is that a grannysmith you're using? Perhaps you never saw this handout: } } KEEPING DOCTORS AWAY } ======= ======= ==== } DISCIPLINE | PREFERRED APPLE TYPE } Law (J.D.) | Grannysmith or Golden Delicious } } Internal Medicine, | Red Delicious } Physician's Assistants, | (note: this only works } Nurses, etc. (MD, DO, PA) | on nurses with doctorates) } } Psychiatry | (use navel oranges) } } Dentistry, Orthodontics, | anything except caramel } Oral Surgery | and candy apples } (DMD, DDS, etc) | } } Engineering, Science | Macintosh } (Ph. D) | } } Education | n/a (teachers like apples) } } Everyone | Rotten (includes non-doctors) } } You owe the Oracle NO MORE CAVITIES.