From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Sun Dec 1 13:38:42 2002 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.11.6/8.11.6/IUCS_2.47) id gB1I9Qi05831; Sun, 1 Dec 2002 13:09:26 -0500 (EST) Date: Sun, 1 Dec 2002 13:09:26 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200212011809.gB1I9Qi05831@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1295 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1295 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1295 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sun, 01 Dec 2002 13:09:13 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1295 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1290 66 votes 17iqe 3bsg8 18him 3djla 8dghc 5ime7 6rgf2 16npb 2bhgk 08etf 1290 3.4 mean 3.7 3.2 3.8 3.3 3.2 3.0 2.7 3.6 3.6 3.8 --- 1295-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Concern for the w0orld's forces me to ask this question of you Most > Majestic and Anecdotal Oracle, > > Does Mars have a foreign policy? If so could you please outline it > to me briefly? > > I thank you profusely for your time. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } They do. Wear a hairnet near the chocolate containers. } } You owe the Oracle a better sense of humor. --- 1295-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle, master distiller, I beseech thee... > > I've done it! I've condensed *all* of the world's wisdom into three > short parts! Did I miss anything important? > > 1- Where have all the soldiers gone? > They've gone to graveyards, every one. > 2- In Flanders fields the poppies blow > Between the crosses, row on row > 3- The United States Constitution prohibits the President from > declaring war, no matter how badly Poppy screwed up. > > Did I miss anything important? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 4. You no longer have the right to remain silent. } 5. You no longer have the right to an attorney. } 6. You may be tried before a secret tribunal. } 7. You are not allowed to know the evidence against you. } 8. You will be given a fair trial, followed by a military firing-squad. } 9. All of these measures are necessary to defend Freedom. } } You owe The Oracle a ticket to another universe, this one's not funny } any more. --- 1295-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why am I always unable to come up with any > questions worth of such an abstroose Oracle > as you always seem to be? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You simply haven't sustained the necessary head injuries required to } fully integrate yourself into the Oracular community. If you want to } be a regular around here you'll have to commit yourself (ha, } unintentional joke there.) to a rigorous training program. } } Week 1 } Consume nothing but high sugar, high caffeine food items. The more } artificial colors and flavors the better. Watch cartoons 11 hours, sleep } 1 hour. Play video games 11 hours, sleep 1 hour. Repeat. } } Week 2 } Maintain high levels of sugared and caffinated foods. You may add to } your diet anything that can be handed to you through your car window. } Alternate TV viewing between BBC and Star Trek reruns. } } Week 3 } Read. Read anything and everything you can get your hands on. Sci-Fi, } fantasy, romance, philosophy, religion, cereal boxes, sci-fi, old } computer manuals, whatever. You're building a base of knowledge so you } can pull an obscure reference from anywhere, about anything. } } Week 4 } Watch everything available in your local video store. Watch everything } available from you local comic book store. Watch every show that was } ever aired on MTV or VH1. } } Week 5 } Showtunes! Showtunes! Showtunes! Fortunately you only need to know } "Modern Major General" Hear it, learn it, love it. By the end of the } week you should be able to sing the ingredient list for Twinkies } without missing a beat. } } Week 6 } Back to the old TV! A steady diet of TVland, PBS, and FOX should fill } in any gaps in your education. } } Week 7 } This is where the weak start to fall out. Start reading Usenet } archives. Do a google search for any reference to lemurs, woodchucks, } or krispy creame doughnuts. Skim through all of the alt.fan.* groups. } If you don't know who any of the groups' object of devotion is, return } to week 1 and begin your training again. } } Week 8 } Have someone smack you in the head with a tire iron until you begin } spouting random Monty Python quotes. Continue until you think they are } all funny. } } This training program should leave you jittery, incoherent and } incapable of speaking more then two sentences without making some } sort of obscure in-joke. Congratulations! You're now ready to join } the fun in RHOD! --- 1295-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh oracle, least forthcoming, > > What's in this "Grant's Tomb" you mentioned in a recent answer? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Despite the brevity of you question, I can tell that you seem to be } confusing 'Grant's Tomb' with the 'Tomb of the Cybermen'. A mistake } easily made, and therefore here is a list of the differences to help } you avoid this faux paus in future. } } Grant's Tomb Tomb of the Cybermen } ============================================== } Is on Earth Is on Telos } } Has Ulysses S. Grant Has Cybermen buried there } buried there } } 2nd largest mausoleum Largest mausoleum on Telos } in the western } hemisphere of Earth } } Officially designated Officially designated 'The Ice } 'General Grant Tombs of Telos' } National Memorial' } } It's not certain that The TARDIS has certainly } the TARDIS has ever materialised there } materialised there } } There is little risk There is a high risk of } of being attacked being attacked by Cybermats } by Cybermats } } You should print this out and keep it in your wallet as a handy } reference. } } You owe the Oracle a tourist map of Telos --- 1295-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is this the Usenet Oracle, or just the Existential Blues? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [Bum DAH dah da DUM] Oooohhh yeah } [Bum DAH dah da DUM] Whooooa child } [Bum DAH dah da DUM] Woke up this mornin' } [Bum DAH dah da DUM] In search of the truth } [Bum DAH dah da DUM] And all I that I found } [Bum DAH dah da DUM] Were subjective views } [Bum DAH dah da DUM] Can't get myself } [Bum DAH dah da DUM] No moral absolute } [Bum DAH dah da DUM] Cause all I found was } [Bum de bum de dum dum] Existential Blues } } [Bum DAH dah da DUM] Went to my man } [Bum DAH dah da DUM] Soren Kierkegaard } [Bum DAH dah da DUM] And I said to him } [Bum DAH dah da DUM] Philosophy's hard } [Bum DAH dah da DUM] Bro, can't you tell me } [Bum DAH dah da DUM] What's right and wrong? } [Bum DAH dah da DUM] Just be objective } [Bum DAH dah da DUM] And sing along... I got the } [Bum de bum de dum dum] Existential Blues } } [Bum DAH dah da DUM] I went to Nietzshe } [Bum DAH dah da DUM] Asked what he thought } [Bum DAH dah da DUM] He done and told me } [Bum DAH dah da DUM] There ain't no God } [Bum DAH dah da DUM] I said, you crazy? } [Bum DAH dah da DUM] What's wrong with you? } [Bum DAH dah da DUM] He looked at me } [Bum DAH dah da DUM] Said, I got 'em too... he had the } [Bum de dum de dum dum] Existential Blues } } [Bum DAH dah da DUM] I went to Kafka } [Bum DAH dah da DUM] To see what he dug } [Bum DAH dah da DUM] But poor ol' Kafka } [Bum DAH dah da DUM] Turned into a bug } [Bum DAH dah da DUM] They all tried to tell me } [Bum DAH dah da DUM] Each got our own truth } [Bum DAH dah da DUM] Still tryin' to find mine } [Bum DAH dah da DUM] So what can you do... but get the } [Bum de dum de dum dum] Existential Blues... oh yeah } } You owe the Oracle a jam session with John Lee Hooker and Jean Paul } Sartre. --- 1295-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and magnificent Oracle, whose nose hair I am not worthy to > sweep from the barbershop floor... > > Am I deluding myself? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No. You are actually in serious Deep Stuff, and } it's not all nose hair. } } Allow me to congratulate you, though, for correct } spelling--most supplicants would have said "who's } nose hair" and made other mistakes like "it's" for } "its" and "hi's" for "his". } } You owe the Oracle a bigger dustbin for his collection } of badly-used apostrophe's. --- 1295-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle who is most incredible even if not edible, please tell me: > > What is the best use for eggplant? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, first you need a chickenplant. Or is that the other } way around? Where is my cookbook? --- 1295-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Fortunate Oracle, I am your stumblebum supplicate. There is > nothing I can do that you can't do better. Hey, you can even > grovel to yourself better than I can. Whenever I try, I break > my legs or get zotted or something. Watch: > > Immense and Frivolous Oracle, I bow down to you and lick > your silly toes, risking getting kicked in the face. Ook! > My dog smells better than that. Anyway I guess I'll sing > instead. How about "Orrie Is Smarter Than Dubya And Not > A Moron" to the tune of "A Boy Named Sue"?? On second > thought, my throat feels scratchy and is getting sort of > constricted. Stop that, I can hardly breathe! Lemme go! > I promise I won't sing again. > > See what I mean? I'm horrid at grovelling. > > What do you do when YOU grovel? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Supplicant, supplicant, supplicant... } } _I_ am the _Oracle_. } } I don't need to grovel to anyon... } } Oh, hello Lisa. I mean 'Mistress'. Of course I don't mean it! Please } forgive me...but Mistress - I have to send this _now_. Please? } } Ahem. No need at all. } } You owe the Oracle a pair of knee pads. --- 1295-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Incorruptible Oracle of whom legends are made and songs are written, > > Is the human thought process more like Windows or UNIX? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Depends on the human in question. } } Albert Einstein: SuSE Linux. } } Lisa: Mac OS X. } } Shakespeare: BSD } } Leonardo da Vinci: System V } } Dan Quayle: Windows 95 } } You owe the Oracle a brain with a Neuron processor and 256 megs of } Reliable Long-term Memory. --- 1295-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why did I call this meeting? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } , asked Apollo, looking down from the head of the table at his various } old associates, at least the ones who even bothered to show up. "I } thought I might be able to do some good, but now I'm not so sure. I } mean, look at yourselves. You're pathetic." } The Oracle glanced across the room and shared a look with Leto. } "I'm nothing now," continued Apollo. "I was a $600 Jeopardy } question the other day. I shouldn't even be a $200 question! I should } be a freakin' category!! Where's the SUPPORT? I MADE YOU PEOPLE!" } Zeus raised his hand. "Um...look, 'Lo. I understand better than } anybody about getting into the passionate speech zone, but I've got to } point out that technically you didn't make me. In fact, it was me, } Leto, Themis, and a jug or two of Ambrosia that made you. Why, of all } the folks here, the only one you might have claim to creating would be } the Oracle, and he--" } } "Oh, you want to talk about him, eh?" snapped Apollo. "Well, } let's talk about him. Pythia, or is it Orrie now? I grant you } incredible powers of divination, and what do you do? You abandon me! } You forget me! You even make yourself a big Internet star! You've } forgotten your roots!" Apollo yelled and yelled for quite a while, } until eventually the Oracle's calm stare got to him. There were a few } moments of silence, and finally the Oracle spoke. } "Apollo, you are weak. Your powers of divination are nothing } compared to my own. I do not need your help now, nor in truth did I } ever." } There was a sudden streak of moment as Apollo leapt across the } table and pinned the Oracle's minute form against a wall. "I dare you } to say that again, little man." } "You are weak," quoth the Oracle. "And I can prove it." } The grip on the Oracle's neck tightened a little bit. "Speak on, } traitor." } "I will give you a supplication you cannot answer," said the } Oracle. } "Ha! Try me! I am the god of divination! I will put all of my } powers into answering your feeble question." } The Oracle sighed sadly. "Must it come to this, then, old } friend?" } "Yes," fumed Apollo. "After I answer your question, I shall } throw you into the sun. You have betrayed me for the last time." } "Not quite the last time, I'm afraid, old friend. Here is my } question." The Oracle leaned over to Apollo's ear and, with a tragic } tear, quietly began, "How much wood..." Apollo's smirk vanished. } "...could a woodchuck chuck..." The Oracle fell to the floor as Apollo } backed up with his hands over his ears. "...if a woodchuck..." Beams } of light poored from Apollo. "...could chuck..." Apollo was enfolded } completely in blinding radiance. "......wood," finished the Oracle. } There was a faint scream and a flash and Apollo was gone. } Quietly, the meeting was adjourned.