From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Thu Mar 13 16:32:27 2003 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.11.6/8.11.6/IUCS_2.48) id h2DL7SB20685; Thu, 13 Mar 2003 16:07:28 -0500 (EST) Date: Thu, 13 Mar 2003 16:07:28 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200303132107.h2DL7SB20685@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1313 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1313 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1313 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Thu, 13 Mar 2003 16:07:15 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1313 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1308 58 votes 0anfa 5kk85 12sl6 56lm4 19pi5 aph33 hfca4 1hpd2 46jn6 5apd5 1308 3.0 mean 3.4 2.8 3.5 3.2 3.3 2.4 2.5 3.0 3.4 3.1 --- 1313-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O wonderful Oracle, who is the most amazing thing I have ever seen, > > How can you tell when a supplicant is being insincere? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } When he says things like "The last thing I want to do is go to war; I'm } still hoping we can resolve this without resorting to violence." while } simultaneously deploying over 200,000 troops halfway across the globe. } } You owe the Oracle: } } Your vote in the 2004 Presidential election. --- 1313-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great and pointy-haired Oracle, whose merest interoffice memo > leverages the synergy of rightsizing throughout the enterprise, > > Why do the suits always hang pictures of racing scull crews on the > walls? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } To the common riff-raff (that's you) the image of racing scull crews } symbolizes teamwork. To the Upwardly Mobile Executive (the suits) } it represents the importance of leadership to keep the crew going in } the right direction. For those few at the very top of the executive } ladder, it represents the ability to sit on one's ass and let someone } else do all the work that you take credit for. } } You owe the Oracle some pictures that show priests working during } their lunch break. Oh, and see if you can find one that will inspire } Tim Chew to do something about his hair. --- 1313-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most Ingenious Oracle your are a fire-hose of information washing > fools off the streets and putting out raging lunatic fringe ideas. > You are like a red truck with a spotted dog on it rushing to our > aid. Gee golly, you are swell! > > What should I serve for food at my Spring Break party? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } If you still have money left to buy food then you need to } make another trip to the liquor store. } } You owe the Oracle a bottle of vodka. --- 1313-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle whose server has never been hacked, > > wHY d035 +Yp1ng l1K3 tH15 m4Ke j0o 4 gr34+ h4x0R? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 1t D0n'T. --- 1313-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh greatest of Oracles, > > Why are they trying to ban Ephedra? How will I stay awake to study > now? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's fairly simple - they're going to reintroduce the draft after the } "War on Terror" finishes on Iraq and gets started on Iran, North Korea, } Botswana and Belgium. Since they need people who aren't in college, } they're just trying to make it difficult for you to maintain your } academic average. } } Close your eyes, bucko, and you may wake up in Brussels with a crazed } EU bureaucrat hurling a copy of the latest Cheese Sanitation Directives } at your head, and those buggers can kill!! } } You owe the Oracle a president who isn't doing his level best to make } the world hate America. --- 1313-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > You who speaks no falsehood, > > Does sending messages which make no use of symbol 20 of a, b, c and so > on confer long life on he who sends such messages? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, sure, and stirring things into your coffee against the coriolis } force of descent will make it taste better. Wearing a g-string under } your pants will keep your cat out of the nip. Ironing your bra will } keep aphids out of your tea. Adopting Frenzy will make your bullshit } smell better. } } You owe the Oracle a comparison of political bullshit to the real } McCoy. --- 1313-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hello hello hello, what's all this then? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You know, when you're asking "Who is that guy in the mirror?" it } is time to get to know yourself better. To help in that regard } the Oracle offers the following: } } -- The Get to Know Thyself Quick Quiz -- } } 1) Which of the following days, in your opinion, is most important? } } a - April Fool's } b - Election Day } c - July 4th, 1947 } d - pay day } e - St. Darwin Day } } 2) If your home caught on fire which of the following would you } try to save first? } } a - box of cereal } b - computer } c - your photos of chupacabra } d - your life } e - camera so you take take pics of the event } } 3) Where would you like to spend a vacation? } } a - Anywhere in California } b - Washington DC } c - Loch Ness } d - Finland } e - morgue } } 4) What are you wearing right now? } } a - shorts, tee-shirt with cute saying on it } b - white button down collar shirt, tie } c - fatigues } d - black tee shirt, Levi's } e - saran wrap } } 5) Which animal would you most like to be reincarnated as? } } a - loon } b - bee } c - yeti } d - camel } e - great white shark } } 6) Which of these are you -least- comfortable with in a work } situation? } } a - policies against surfing at work } b - wishy-washy bosses } c - those secret cameras in the rest rooms } d - incompetence } e - rules } } 7) If things don't go your way how do you react? } } a - whine } b - add names to your enemies list } c - point fingers } d - take a break, come back to problem later } e - single slug to back of the head } } 8) The last time you used the word 'love' what were you } discussing? } } a - yourself } b - your country } c - Big Brother } d - tennis } e - backwards homophones } } 9) If you could read only one newsgroup and were restricted to } one of the below, which would you pick? } } a - rec.humor.oracle.d } b - talk.politics.misc } c - alt.conspiracy } d - comp.lang.perl.misc } e - alt.tasteless } } 10) Who would you like to meet the most? } } a - Lisa } b - Putin } c - A Grey } d - Torvalds } e - Manson, Charles or Marilyn, either one. . . } } Tally up your answers: } } If you mostly answered 'a' then: } You have a tenuous grasp on reality, the problem } is that you're aware of this and consider it a } strength. They have medications for this now a days. } } If you mostly answered 'b' then: } You like to be in the know and are keenly aware } of your surroundings, unfortunately you blend into } the surroundings. Go to the video store and rent } some films you've never heard of. } } If you mostly answered 'c' then: } We know where you live. Stop. Await further orders. } } If you mostly answered 'd' then: } You are logical and very smart, you need to go } outside every now and then when the sun is up } and/or start drinking lots of milk. } } If you mostly answered 'e' then: } You are the type of person your mother warned you } about, you're lots of fun at a party until the drinks } run out, then things can get ugly. Try and find a } legal hobby. } } You owe the Oracle an air tight alibi and a seal. --- 1313-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O gracious Oracle, with no beginning and no end, kind of like a circle > (is that why Oracle starts with an O?) > > In nethack, I came across a statue of a yellow light. I fail to > understand how a statue of a type of energy can exist. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } OARP: The Oracle Automated Request Parser, version 0.8.3 } Copyright (c) 600000BC, 1985, 2003 Oracular Industries, Inc. } } Note: Beginning with version 0.8.1, remember to preface your } queries with '?' (ex.: > ? load query). Please see the file } 'ReleaseNotes' for more details of changes in this version. } } > Login: oracle } > Password: ************************ } } > ? load query 'Qt9a4IQ.qry' } Loaded. } } > ? extract questions } Parsing file... done. } Question marks found: 1 } Questions found: 1 (93%) } Done. } } > ? show questions } Questions found (estimated accuracy %): } 1. "is that why Oracle starts with an O?" (93%) } Done. } } > ? generate question 1 --responses 3 } Generating 3 responses to question #1... done. } Listing responses to question #1: } 1. How long have you believed that Oracle starts } with an O? } 2. Is that a yellow traffic light in your pocket, } or are you just glad to see me? } 3. Would you like to sign up for AOL 8.0? (Attach } 25 free CDs to response) } Done. } } > ? send response 2 } Sending response to listproc... done. } } > ? sign off } Saving updated query 'Qt9a4IQ.qry'... done. } Terminating connection to OARP server... done. } } You owe the Oracle a free upgrade to version 1.0, } when it becomes available. --- 1313-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise, > My fancy capacitors > Are not smart like you > > Please think about this > Electronic Engineer's > question with your brain. > > Why does my solder > Cease to carry current soon > After it has cooled? > > I thank you kindly > For listening to my lame > Haiku, sir. Bless you. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Making a solder joint, } Heat it up boldly. } Using too little heat } Leaves it all coldly. } } The joint must be hot and } The solder must flow. } 'Cause through rosin alone } Milliamps will not go. } } For delicate parts } A heat sink must sunk } The excess heat off } Or you'll just have junk. } } When it looks finished } And you think it is set, } Wait just a minute } For you're not done yet. } } Disturb the joint now } While it's still cooling off, } You'll ruin the structure } So don't even cough. } } Patience and care } Are the soldering virtue. } And don't touch that iron } On the part that can hurt you. } } You owe the Oracle's Poetry Muse a round of applause. --- 1313-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > > I've heard it said that "if wishes were horses, beggars would ride" > > Now, if beggars got a bunch of horses, would they really ride, or would > they just eat better? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Let's find out! } } [ Six months later... a major metropolitan area in the } American Northeast. Zadoc and the Oracle are walking } down a cold windswept street. ] } } Oracle: Six months ago we gave 100 beggars one horse } each. Now we're back to see how they fared. } Whoa! Zadoc you fool, watch where you step. } } [ Zadoc lifts up one of his feet and stares at it. ] } } Oracle: Spoor. We're close. } } [ Just then a little old lady comes running down } the street towards our two heroes. Ok. One hero } and his fool. ] } } Zadoc: I do say, that is passingly odd. } } [ A horse bearing a bum rounds the corner in pursuit } of the lady. ] } } Bum: Come on. Surely you can spare a dollar for some } clover for my nag? } } [ Horse and rider fly by. ] } } Oracle: Hmm. } } [ They cross the street to a park. ] } } Oracle: Oh dear. This is Not Good. Not Good at all. } } [ In the park they see horses passed out near paper } bags bearing bottles of screw cap wine. Horses } warming their hooves over a fire in an old barrel. } A horse in hot pants wanders over to the Oracle. ] } } Horse in hot pants: Want to horse around? } } Oracle: Nay. } } Horse in hot pants: Sure, but that will cost you extra. } } Zadoc: Wisest One, are we done here? } } Oracle: Sadly yes, it seems you can make a horse drink } after all. } } Horse in hot pants: Hey! } } [ fade to black ]