From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Mon Apr 7 11:00:23 2003 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.11.6p2/8.11.6/IUCS_2.49) id h37FaVi16534; Mon, 7 Apr 2003 10:36:31 -0500 (EST) Date: Mon, 7 Apr 2003 10:36:31 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200304071536.h37FaVi16534@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1316 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1316 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1316 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 07 Apr 2003 10:36:17 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1316 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1311 59 votes 2eng4 39qc9 36ikc 47bji 37mha 1apf8 07pl6 09pj6 3ain5 18bil 1311 3.4 mean 3.1 3.3 3.5 3.7 3.4 3.3 3.4 3.4 3.3 3.8 --- 1316-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, hopefully not simply the product, please humor me a drink > from your well of omnipotence. > > I went on a job interview last week. Unknowingly until mid-way through > the interview, the company wants me to spend 2 of every 8 weeks in > Hawaii on their dime. I was interested in join the company before I > knew, now I REALLY want to. However, I don't want to get my hopes up > in case I don't get the offer. > > What do you foresee my future holding in terms of employment? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmm, this calls for a call. Simple investigative answering, } done here to show others who may not be all-knowing how } they too can Find Things Out. } } } } Voice: SacVics Inc. Cassandra speaking. How may I help } you? } } Oracle: Just what kind of services do you offer there? } } Voice: SacVics provides sacrificial victims of all kinds, } goats to geese. Doves to dogs. You need to bleed } it, we sell it to you and you don't even need to } feed it. } } Oracle: Hmm, how about humans? } } Voice: Oh no sir, that is strictly forbidden except in } the case of the religious exception provided by } the Supreme Court for Volcano Victims needed by } the Lavajava Tribal Council of Maui. Are you } calling about that position sir? If so we are } still interviewing. } } Oracle: Hmm, no, but thanks anyway. Mahalo. } } Voice: Aloha. --- 1316-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, Oracle most yummy and sweet with sprinkles on top: > What will the world be like once Switzerland wins the war? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Shhh! The Swiss are supposed to be neutral, remember? One thing that } will be different is that there will be a lot fewer "loose lips" if } you know what I mean. But since you already seem to know so much } about the plot, here are the top ten things the Swiss will do once } they rule the world: } } 10) All flags will be trimmed to be squares. } } 9) Official language: French, Italian, and German. And English, and } Spanish. Oh what the hell! Speak any language you want. } } 8) All trains will be on time. Or else! } } 7) Yodeling will be a required course in all schools. } } 6) Fashionable men will switch to lederhosen. } } 5) New public works projects to build mountains in all flatlands, } lower global temperatures, and drop snow from airplanes. Ski North } Africa! } } 4) Hip hop brass bands! } } 3) Everest renamed to "Matterhorn of the Himalayas". } } 2) Heidi preempts the Super Bowl. } } 1) Hell freezes over; hot chocolate served. } } You owe the Oracle some Swiss cheese holes. --- 1316-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the big secret behind Multi level Marketing And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmmm. Others would have no doubt given you a } hilarious story with many visions of times past and } cool special effects. But alas, you have met an } incarnation working on a very limited budget. Let us } see, then, if we can still give you a worthy answer... } } [Begin a series of signs drawn on cardboard with } colored crayons:] } } BUDGET ORACLE SOCK PUPPET THEATRE } } PRESENTS... } } MULTI-LEVEL MARKETING - THE KEY TO RICHES!!! } } [Scene: A cut-out cardboard box used as a theatre } with two sock puppets, JOE and FRANK. JOE is an } average joe, and FRANK is dressed in what's supposed } to represent an expensive suit.] } } FRANK: Hey Joe! Say, I've just found the way to earn } a whole lot of money! Wanna know what it is? } } JOE: Sure I do... } } FRANK: Just buy this horribly overpriced soap from } me, and find five people to sell it to! Then they sell } it on, and you'll get all the profits. You'll be rich } in no time! } } JOE: So this is like a p... } } FRANK: *Don't say that word!* This may look like one } of those evil schemes to get your money, but it's not! } Trust me! You'll be very very rich! } } JOE: Okay... } } FRANK: Just give me the money and I'll send you the } soap. } } [JOE vanishes briefly, and comes up with some "play } money" in his mouth. Somewhat akwardly, he hands this } over to FRANK] } } [A sign pops up, saying "sometime later...". The JOE } puppet has been slightly rumpled. FRANK now has } several bills of "play money" sewn to him.] } } FRANK: Hey Joey! How's it going? } } JOE: Very bad. The old lady next door is deaf, the } lady below says she doesn't want any, her neighbor } already has three *tons* of soap and no-one to give it } to, and the guy above sick his dog on me when I tried. } } FRANK: Aaaw, that's too bad! But don't worry! All you } have to do is buy these incredibly expensive books on } how to influence people, and you'll be selling all the } soap you're getting from me in no time! In fact, I'll } sell you some *more* soap right now, so you don't run } out of it later! } } JOE: Okay... } } [JOEY gives FRANK more money.] } } [The "sometime later..." sign returns. When it is } gone, JOE looks like he's been stepped on several } times, while FRANK is wearing a suit made of play } money.] } } JOE: I have a *ton* of soap in my house and I can't } sell it to anyone! My wife left me! I gave you all my } money, and I never got anything to show for it! This } system is bogus! } } FRANK: On the contrary, it works perfectly! You're } the fifth sucker I got this month! } } [FRANK exits with a laugh, leaving JOE to scrunch up } his sock-puppet face and cry silently.] } } [The sock puppets are withdrawn and the Oracle steps } out from behind the box.] } } And there you have it, supplicant. The big secret of } Multi-Level Marketing is that people are idiots who } will give you all their money if you promise to make } them rich. } } You owe the Oracle some better visual aids. --- 1316-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is it about working on instant messaging clients that makes their > developers act like a bunch of snot-nosed-little-unix-weenies? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The same thing that turns an intelligent, educated instant message user } into an adolescent dork who cannot spell, type, or use proper } punctuation. } } You owe the Oracle a smiley with an exclamation point up its ass. --- 1316-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise one, riddle me this -- > > What the hell was Rumsfeld thinking? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What the hell was Rumsfeld thinking when he did what? Since I don't } know, I am going to give you a list of all the major events in } Rumsfeld's life that I can think of: } } When he was born, in 1932: "coo! wahh babble " } When he served in the U.S. Navy, 1953-1957: "I am going to } defend my country by risking my life to bomb the crap out of } those Evil, No-Good Commies!" While he served in Congress (House } of Representatives), 1962-1969: "I am going to help my country by } espousing an ultra-conservative ideology and declaring war on the Evil, } No-Good Commies - oh wait, only the Senate can declare war!" } While he was the Chairman of the Transition to the Presidency of } Gerald Ford, 1974: "What exactly does a "chairman of the transition" } do again?" When he was appointed by President Bush as the Secretary } of Defense, 2001: "Now I get to order a whole bunch of people to } fight against the Evil, No-Good Commies ... wait, the Commies have } been gone for 10 years, I'll have to find some other guys to go after" } When he ordered the War against Iraq, 2003: "Finally! We found someone } to go after! DEATH TO SADDAM! BOMB THEM TO HELL! (but we'll say it's } for democracy, so no-one will complain, we hope)" --- 1316-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If a glass half full is optimistic, and a galf half empty is > pessimistic, then how are the following classified: 1)A glass less > than half full; 2)a glas s more than half empty? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The glass less than half full is ambitious, always seeking to get a } bit more out of life than he has; the glass more than half empty is a } skeptic, and often laughs at the other glasses because they pay so } much attention to pop psychology quizzes beginning "How full are you?" } } You owe the Oracle a glass that gets less empty the more one drinks } from it. --- 1316-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > do i have a chance with katie? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, poor lovesick supplicant. The Oracle cannot advise you strongly } enough against the dangers of falling in love. It is a disease which } insinuates itself into the heart and soul, upsets the delicate chemical } balances of the mind. Love moves mountains, love conquers the great } divide, love is patient, love is kind, love reduces even the most } cynical of men to grinning idiots (Leah!). } } It makes you to strange, strange things, supplicant. Not even the } incarnations are immune to its power. For example, if you happened to } be in love with a woman named Leah, you might compose an answer } featuring her name prominently (Leah, Leah, Leah!) just in the hope } that some kind priest would digest it. And that Leah would see it. And } that seeing it would bring a smile to her face, the smile that you live } only to bring. A tribute to your true Love in 7-bit ASCII, preserved on } a server at the University of Indiana for all the world to see, the } digital equivalent of writing her name in the sky. } } * heartfelt sigh * } } You owe the Oracle a chance with Leah. --- 1316-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ?sdrawkca-ssab enog lla ti sah yhW And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } :em ot srucco rewsna lacigol ylno eht ,noitcelfer nopU } } .luos ruoy fo srorrim eht era yllaer seye ruoY } } .noitpircserp snel wen a elcarO eht ewo uoY --- 1316-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O mighty and indefatigable Oracle, > > Why does my energy level decrease > as the thesis deadline approaches? > Wouldn't you think that the adrenaline > and caffeine would have kicked in > by now? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "Procrastination, Man's Most Loyal Emotion" might not have been } the best topic. . . --- 1316-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most mighty in programming, who can debug software that can't be > written, > > What on Earth was I thinking when I selected this software package? > Nothing works, and it appears to be by design. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Let me see... Ah! Here it is. I happen to have the requirements } document for that software package right here: } } Requirements } } 1 Email } } 1.1 Remove every rand(1000) line -- blame it on a system library } } 1.2 Re-arraign message body to be in standard "top-posting" format } } 1.3 Spam-filtering should move spam to the front of the INBOX (to } increase the odds that it is noticed) } } 1.4 Crashes when the word "Thanks" is included in a message -- blame } it on the web browser } } 2 Address book } } 2.1 All contacts should be wiped out when the screen saver runs } } 2.2 Add a random Bcc to every message that includes the word "love" } -- blame it on an oddity in C++ } } 3 Spell check } } 3.1 Warn of "passive voice" whenever their is a "be" in the text } } 3.2 "hte" is a real word } } 3.3 The correct spelling of "lunch" is "booger" } } 4 General } } 4.1 Don't allow software to be un-installed (display the message: } "File not found" when any attempt to un-install is made) } } 4.2 On exit, offer to sell the updated version } } 4.3 Search computer for credit card information to email to lead } developer } } As you can see, you're wrong; the software works to spec. } } You owe the Oracle a burnt chicken.