From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Tue Jun 3 16:58:58 2003 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.11.6p2/8.11.6/IUCS_2.49) id h53LTPi03246; Tue, 3 Jun 2003 16:29:25 -0500 (EST) Date: Tue, 3 Jun 2003 16:29:25 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200306032129.h53LTPi03246@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1323 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1323 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1323 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 03 Jun 2003 16:29:11 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1323 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1318 62 votes 5ggi7 3ciib 7cle8 9ihc6 69doa 47kla 4rk92 08grb 39fkf 1fhhc 1318 3.2 mean 3.1 3.4 3.1 2.8 3.4 3.4 2.6 3.7 3.6 3.4 --- 1323-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, who specializes in intelligence, tell me this about > intelligence: > > I am smarter than myself, but I am not a clone or cloned. Huh? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } At any given moment, you are smarter than yourself at that moment. } This is because you are always accumulating experience, and therefore } always getting smarter. } Time, of course, is hairy, like Velcro. } Instead of moving in a straight line, like most people think, or in a } slightly wavy line, like most physicists think, any given moment has an } infinitesimal random chance of jumping backward or forward in time. } Since a moment is infinitesimally long, within any finite amount of time } (say, one second) there are an infinite number of chances for this to } occur. } Thus the fabric of spacetime is rough and tangly, the future occurs } simultaneously with the past, and you are smarter than yourself. } } You owe the Oracle a swatch of silk, a quantum physicist, and a lot of } aspirin. --- 1323-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > All bow before The Wise Oracle who is willing to admit that he may > not always be right, but that he is never wrong. > > Did Zeus used to consult the polls before acting? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ahhh, old Zeus. Haven't thought about him for a long time, I really } need to give him a call. } } Back in his day, there were no opinion polls. If you annoyed him, he } smited you. If he was pleased with you, you got rewarded beyond your } wildest dreams. Oh, and he fondled anything that moved. } } It was kind of like a bizzare mix of Nixon, Clinton, and FDR. } } You owe the oracle a subscription to the Olympian Times. --- 1323-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle of the many hops, please ponder well this weighty > vexation; > > Why does she think her red bearded brother will return? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Supplicant most unworthy, } } Families, eh? Can't live with 'em, can't chop 'em into tiny pieces } and leave 'em in the trash. (More's the pity.) } } One of the many idiosyncracies of families is that they insist on } seeing each other through rose-tinted glasses. For instance, Oedipus's } maiden aunts -- who, curiously, do not appear in any version of his } story -- both insisted to the end of their lives, despite some fairly } weighty evidence to the contrary, that he was a wonderful boy who had } done some lovely finger-painting at school. And Charles Manson still } has relatives who wonder every year why those nasty prison wardens } won't even let that lovely boy join his family for thanksgiving. } } And so we come to the self-protective self-delusions of your } mystery lady. Nobody raised in such a conservative and strict family } could possibly let herself believe that her brother -- her kin -- } her own flesh and blood! -- could possibly be one of those filthy, } disgusting, revolutionary Communists! No more than she could let } herself believe that his charming wife, the mother of his children, } who always dresses so nicely for family occasions, is only there as a } marriage of convenience -- masking and hiding his passionate 10-year } relationship with a trucker named Phil! The shock would simply be } too much for her delicate system. } } And so, even if the poor man could bring himself to tell his sister } about his true life, he knows that he would never be believed. } Who could blame him for his furtive escape to a life of neo-socialist } sexual liberation? And so he remains for ever, in secret, her "red, } bearded" brother. } } As for his sister, well, there is no point in arguing with her. } Just tell her he ran away to join Al-Qaeda, or something. You stand } a better chance of being believed. } } You owe the Oracle a ginger merkin. --- 1323-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Augustness, > mighty evocator of wisdom. > > Is a rose a rose a rose? > > Please excuse your unillumined supplicants stupidity. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dearest Supplicant, } } You are very near to the goal that you seek. You must proceed } carefully. Very, very carefully. } } A question arose } How it started, no-one knows } Is a rose a rose? } They asked. And asked. And asked. } } Some say it began in antiquity } When Rhodanthe fled from iniquity } To the temple of Aphrodite } Get it? Aph-rose-dite? } Only they called her Diana because they were Romans and didn't know any } better } And it was a bad move, because Diana turned her into a rose } And her lovers into thorns } } But there are older stories still } And you can read them if you will * (1) } Some from Ur and some from... er, other places } And lots of songs as well } Michael rose the boat ashore } Rose Rose Rose your boat } And so on. Halleluja. } } Middle ages, then: } Begin again. } Rose red or rose white? * (2) } Easy, silly: pink } Think pink. Think. Think think think. } (What a stink!) } } Oh -- and again. } The Wars of the Roses } Brought down the mighty House of York } Or did it? Didn't. The Mighty Duke of York had 10,000 men you know. } That was a lot in those days. } 'Turn again, Whittington, three times Lord Mayor of London...' } } But I digress. } The Wars of the Roses were a series of conflicts from about 1455-1485 * } (3) } Red and white roses again, you know } And blue ones. } } The blue ones continue to cause trouble even today * (4) } Though people think they're something new } Ibn Al Awam wrote of them in at least the twelfth century } And even told people how to make 'em } But did they listen? Noooooo. They never do. } } What! Is your name? } [Enter your name here] } What! Is your quest? } I seek the Holy Grail! } What! Is your favorite color? } Blue } You may pass. } Yellow -- I mean Blue! } [is hurtled into the abyss] } } Ah, yes -- the elusive Yellow Rose. } She is from the Great State of Texas * (5) } And this, too, causes trouble for some people today } Specially those in Texas } Alabama, Tennessee, Mississippi, Georgia } And so on. } } Well, and that is just the beginning. We could go on: } Rosencrantz, Rosicrucians, Knights of the Rosy Cross } And we could begin to discuss the Greek letter Rho } Which puts me in mind of an Old College Cheer } It goes something like this: } Rah! Rah! Ree! } Kick 'em in the knee! } Rah! Rah! Rho! } Your sister is a ho! } } No, wait a minute -- that's not right. Anyway. } As you can see, no rose is a rose unless you know all of the rules } And the rules are infinite and without beginning nor end. } If you are sensible, you can just forget about all of that and use your } senses: } If your eyes tell you it is a rose } And your nose tells you it is a rose } Then whom cares? } } This information and $250 will get you one dozen long-stems on } Valentine's Day } Though why anybody would care about such these days is quite definitely } beyond me } } ... } } You owe the Oracle } A count of all db rows } In all db tables } In all the world. } Get it? Database? Rows? Oracle? } Ha! I slay me! } oops... } [screen goes blank] } } } Footnotes: } } 1) Rose trivia } http://interrose.co.uk/rose_story.shtml } } 2) Rose red or rose white? } http://www.surlalunefairytales.com/rosered/index.html } } 3) The Wars of the Roses were a series of conflicts from about 1455-1485 } http://www.civilwarartprints.com/war_of_the_roses.htm } } 4) The blue ones continue to cause trouble even today } http://interrose.co.uk/blue_roses.shtml } } 5) Yellow Rose of Texas } http://alamo-de-parras.welkin.org/archives/yellowrose/yelrose.html --- 1323-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: twchew@mindspring.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle Most Wise > > I'm all shook up. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmmm. Well without more information, It could be that you're: } } 1. Algerian } 2. In Love, or } 3. A vodka martini, in which case I insist that you pour yourself into } a chilled glass and serve yourself immediately! } } You owe the Oracle a twist of lemon to accompany you. --- 1323-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great and Wonderful Oracle who even knows how to read the minds > of animals except maybe wooodchucks, what's the difference between > training a horse and training a donkey? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Donkeys. } } With the notable exception of Caligula's horse Incitatus, } which the mad emperor threatened from time to time to } appoint to a consulship, horses have had an extremely difficult } time even being considered for training for tasks beyond common } pleasure riding and barnyard labor -- let alone being utilized } as paid, working members of any legislative bodies. On the } other hand, donkeys get elected to office with dismaying } regularity. } } You owe the Oracle a bushel of oats and an onager. --- 1323-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I've forgotten the words to the 23rd palm. Can you remind me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 3COM is my Shepherd; I shall not want. } He maketh me arrive at green pastures at the appointed time: } He keepith my lists of things to do. } He hot sync'th my soul: } He leadeth me in the paths of on-demand information for information's' } sake. } } Yea, though I walk through the valley without my laptop, } I will fear no downtime: For all thy data art with me; } Thy stylus and thy titanium screen cover, they comfort me. } Thou preparest an email for me and deliver the reply with no wires; } Thou annointest my ears with MP3's; My digital pics runneth over. } } Surely connectivity and data shall sit in my pocket all the days of my } life, and I will dwell in the Information Age forever. --- 1323-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great Oracle, who knows all, > > If he's got the whole world in his hands, what happens when he > claps? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } He takes penicillin, just like everyone else. --- 1323-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, who is the wisest of all the great things in the world... > > Can I have a puppy for my birthday? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, yeah. But to keep from freaking out everybody why not } just have cake like all the other kids. . . } } You owe the Oracle a lobster dinner. --- 1323-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is worn under a Scotsman's kilt? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Top 10 Things Worn Under a Scotsman's Kilt } 10. Balls (No, GOLF balls! Pervert!) } 9. Presbyterian reading material, for when using the WC } 8. A tiny sticker which indicates: "Inspected by 27" } 7. A dirk (claymores are bulky and keep you out of some discotheques) } 6. An emergency back-up hip flask of whisky } 5. Wolfsbane-based werewolf repellant } 4. Cell phone, beeper, and PDA (all set to vibrate) } 3. A secret stash of money where nobody can find it } 2. A dab of cologne } } And the number 1 thing worn under a Scotsman's kilt... } } 1. His ass -- that wool tartan is really scratchy!