From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Mon Jul 7 13:03:57 2003 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.11.6p2/8.11.6/IUCS_2.49) id h67HYmx03459; Mon, 7 Jul 2003 12:34:48 -0500 (EST) Date: Mon, 7 Jul 2003 12:34:48 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200307071734.h67HYmx03459@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1326 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1326 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1326 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 07 Jul 2003 12:34:34 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1326 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1321 62 votes 5llb4 36jjf 9bng3 88mcc 5cki7 24euc 1arh7 78geh 4atd6 46hdm 1321 3.3 mean 2.8 3.6 2.9 3.2 3.2 3.7 3.3 3.4 3.1 3.7 --- 1326-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise, > > Is it true people use the Internet for other things besides porn? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Absolutely! You can also spread viruses with the internet. Steal books, } music and videos. And lets not forget the endless supply of "free" } games out there waiting to be downloaded. } } There is a dark side to the internet. Some people put _information_ } on their web sites. No nude chicks or pirated music. Actual useful } information about cars, the weather, what's on TV tonight, etc. } I can't tell you how much those freaks creep me out. Stay away from } them or next thing you know you might find yourself doing unspeakable } things like studying and research. Imagine what you mom will think when } she finds out you know WAY too much about 18th century Romanian art. } } You owe the Oracle some links to sites about naval warfare in the } late 1500's. Not for me mind you, its... uh... for a friend. --- 1326-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great but unruly Oracle, whose hair I am not fit to comb, and whose > gargantuan brain is inversely unworthy of my unfit grovels, I need > your best answer. > > Recently I've sent you some questions for which I got answers that > (shall we say) are not quite up to your usual high standards. In all > my boarn daze, I never would have expected an Oracle as smart as you > to say, "Way2GoDude," and "How the hell should I know?" > > I understand that you must have a good reason for handing the > job of transcribing your words off to some third-rate excuse for > an incarnation. Really I don't care--I just want good answers. > What are they? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Now, now. Not all incarnations are idiots. Nor are all the supplicants. } The truth is that some of the incarnations are absolutely brilliant, } as are some supplicants. But when push comes to shove it must be } admitted that most incarnations are just plain old ordinary folk, } as are most supplicants. } } That is why we here at Queue Central keep careful records of who sends } us what. Then our crackerjack crew of volunteers & shanghaied runaways } match up the supplicants with incarnations of similar intelligence. } This way no one is disappointed as they get answered in kind by one } of their own. } } Yes, yes, The Oracle knows what you're thinking. You are thinking, } "That must a lot of work for the temple staff matching up genius to } genius, everyday person to everyday person, and buffoon to buffoon." } Well, yes it is, but we think it is well worth the effort. } } You owe the Oracle twenty four axes. --- 1326-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > There's got to be a better way. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No. } } People have been looking at time travel wrong. } } Hear the Oracle out, what follows is not just a play on words: } } People *already* are traveling through time, you call it aging. } What is impossible is to go =backward= through time. Humans will } one day be able to travel ~forward~ through time at an accelerated } rate, to visit the future so to speak, but they will not be able } to come back. } } In other words people will be able to visit their great-great- } great-great-grandkids for Thanksgiving dinner. On the other hand } the mega-kids won't show up at the mega-elder's home for holidays } ...which, if you think about it, is sorta like things now a days } it's just that mega-kids will have a far better excuse. } } This is all due to those pesky laws of thermodynamics. Matter goes } from organized to disorganized (think dorm room), if time went } backwards you have to have scattered remnants of events reassemble } into unique things: } } * ashes & gases & heat turning back into a match } * human waste turning back into a jelly sandwich (ewww!) } * your chaotic life turning back into simplistic childhood bliss } } None of those things can occur without violating thermodynamic } laws. } } So the reason you do not currently see any time travelers is } that they can't get here from there. But someday you'll be } able to visit them. } } Is this a good thing? } } Perhaps. } } "No time like the present for planning ahead," says the Oracle. } } Things to consider for a trip into the future: } } + What can you take that will be valuable so you won't show up indigent? } } - Gold/jewels? } Doubtful, they'll probably be able to nano-tech those at will } } - Rare books/art objects } Far better idea. Imagine if you had a mint condition copy of some } Leonardo DaVinci notebooks in your hands right now. } } - Genetic samples } Could be a winner, but dicey. Again they may be able to manipulate } DNA at will, but they might like to have a pure sample of, say, } caveman blood. Visit your boss with a syringe in hand before you go. } On the other hand they might give you tons of credits for samples } of you! } } - Junk } This is the real winner. Think antiques. Gather up hideous stuff } people are currently throwing away as it is what will be rare and } thus valuable. Collect McDonalds' commemorative film-bomb sporks, } those little cards that fall out of mag- azines, Micro$oft Windows } 3.1 manuals and the like. } } - Information } Iffy again. Historians of the future will fight to interview you } IF you know something about The Now that is useful. Hint: Turn off } Scooby-Doo and read some up on current events. No, USENET doesn't } count, think books, remember them from college? } } You owe the Oracle someplace to send Zadoc for the weekend, he's } getting on my nerves of late. --- 1326-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > > Is cottage cheese supposed to talk? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, but it only speaks Curdish. --- 1326-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Unfunny, am I? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sorry, Yoda, but stand-up just isn't your thing. --- 1326-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How does one go about obtaining a pencil thin mustache that I have > heard so very much about? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hang out in Italian beauty salons. Women enter with 'em and leave } without 'em - they've gotta be *somewhere* in there. } } You owe the Oracle a Brazilian wax as seen on the beachs of Rio de } Janeiro... --- 1326-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Avast and becalmed Oracle, you are three sheets to the wind! > > How can I learn some better nautical terminology? (It's taken > a long time, but I finally learned the difference between the > head and the poop deck.) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Aye there ye lubber of the land. } } A man who once sought my advice was an officer in the British } navy years ago. They were assigned a new recruit straight out of } officer training. This young lad was a bit green, to say the least, } but never the less he was assigned a squad of men and ordered to get } a portion of the ship painted. His men went about the task all wrong. } He started to order them about such: } } "Hey guys please mover the ladder over a bit towards the left a } bit" "... To the left - towards that knob over there ...." } } They just looked at him funny. } } So he turned to his superior who was watching and asked, "what am I } doing wrong, why wouldn't they listen to me ?" } } "You need to use more naval terminology" came the reply. } } "ash I see" So he turns back to the men and says "Hey guys please } mover the ladder over a bit towards the left a bit, me hearties" } } So in answer to your question, all you need to do is add me hearties } to the end of every question. } } You owe the Oracle one crappy anecdote, sixteen daggers in a dead } mans chest and a bottle of rum. --- 1326-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, Oracle most wise, who's very words make us all seem like > imbecile's, > > Why is there an oversupply of village idiots these days? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's summer, they're all home from college. --- 1326-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O most miraculous of Oracles, and most Oraculous of miracles, > > A seminary student I once knew told me that God could indeed make a > stone so heavy even He couldn't lift it, it's just that He's smart > enough not to. My question is, could he make a movie so bad Sean > Connery wouldn't be in it? Or a book so long Steven King couldn't write > it? How about a song so insipid Michael Bolton wouldn't sing it? Or a > joke so unfunny that Tom Green wouldn't write it and Jay Leno wouldn't > tell it? And if He could, would He want to? > > Please, this is keeping me up nights. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Titanic. } Dianetics. } You Light Up My Life. } "Bush wins the 2004 Presidential election". } } I told Him not to, but does He listen? Nooooo.... } } You owe the Oracle a grovel so bad a CS student wearing a Darth Vader } outfit in line outside of the "Star Wars Episode III" premier wouldn't } write it. --- 1326-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > It's an interview meme. I ask you five questions which you > answer, then in return you ask me 5 questions. But as you're > omniscient, and because if I reply to your reply it may not get to > you, you should be able to write out my answers to your questions too. > > So my 5 questions for you: > > 1) Where did you meet the lovely Lisa, and what was it about her > that so attracted you to her? > > 2) When punishing Zadoc, what works best and why? > > 3) How far would I have to go to be allowed into the great Oracle > Priesthood? > > 4) What sized sandals do you wear, and how do you get them to > shine so? > > 5) Is it true what they say is the secret use of the Zotting > staff, or was that just being circulated by Zadoc because he was > jealous of Lisa? > > So - now you answer these 5 questions, then write the 5 questions > you want to ask me, then the answers to those that you know I'm > going to give. > > Thanks, Great Wise Oracle! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You can't fool me, supplicant. There're eight } questions in there, and you know it. Since you're not } going to play fair, neither will I, so I'm going to } select which five I'll answer. So there. } } > 1) Where did you meet the lovely Lisa, and what } > was it about her that so attracted you to her? } } That's two questions there. And I'm not going to } answer either of them. Ha! } } > 2) When punishing Zadoc, what works best and why? } } Again, two questions. I'll answer both of these. } Nothing seems to work on Zadoc, because it's almost } impossible to get through to him. A good zotting makes } me feel better, though. } } > 3) How far would I have to go to be allowed into } > the great Oracle Priesthood? } } You would have to be willing to select many of this } Incarnation's Oracularities for the Digests. Not } pretty, I know. (I know you're listening, Mr Chew, you } picked three of mine last month.) } } > 4) What sized sandals do you wear, and how do you } > get them to shine so? } } Two questions again! You're really pushing your luck. } Size ten-and-a-half US. How they get so shiny is my } little secret. } } > 5) Is it true what they say is the secret use of } > the Zotting staff, or was that just being circulated } > by Zadoc because he was jealous of Lisa? } } Well, I guess that's just one question. No, Lisa does } not use the Staff of Zot as an electric hair remover, } Zadoc's just jealous of her silky smooth legs. } } > So - now you answer these 5 questions, then write } > the 5 questions you want to ask me, then the answers } > to those that you know I'm going to give. } } 1} What is the complete proof to the Riemann } Hypothesis? } } A> The Riemann what? } } 2} What is the nineteenth chapter of _Atlas Shrugged_, } translated into Esperanto? } } A> Um, gee, I... } } 3} What's the record for the most threes run in a } first-class cricket career? } } A> Uh... } } 4} Why did you try to trick me into answering eight } questions instead of five? } } A> Hey, come on! Can't I have an easy one? } } 5} Okay. Does it hurt when I do this? ** } } A> ... } } You don't owe me anything, that was fun.