From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Thu Jul 17 13:53:18 2003 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.11.6p2/8.11.6/IUCS_2.49) id h6HIOQN09795; Thu, 17 Jul 2003 13:24:27 -0500 (EST) Date: Thu, 17 Jul 2003 13:24:27 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200307171824.h6HIOQN09795@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1327 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1327 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1327 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Thu, 17 Jul 2003 13:24:13 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1327 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1322 61 votes 2akn6 2jel5 8dmb7 258om 4dlh6 4lcg8 5bmcb 2akl8 aifa8 48gmb 1322 3.2 mean 3.3 3.1 2.9 4.0 3.1 3.0 3.2 3.4 2.8 3.5 --- 1327-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I clicked the "sned" button but the message didn't go > through. What's wrong? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Subscriber, } } Our records indicate that you are currently overdrawn by 5#-i } micropayments. We regret to inform you that operations like sned(TM) } and other Premium Services are currently unavailable for your account. } In addition, you are being charged a %60-x service fee. Basic service } will continue until the end of the month. However, we urge you to } deposit credits into your MicroPay(TM) account at your earliest } convenience, so that full functionality can be restored. If your } account is not settled before the 15th of this month, service will be } terminated on or before the last day of the current service month. } } Respectfully, } Total Internet Accounting [[TIA]] } ... } } You owe the Oracle 4#-p and 20 --- 1327-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > In what ways are playing chess and getting in a bar room > brawl the same? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Let's compare the two, shall we? } } CHESS BAR ROOM BRAWL SIMILAR? } } Start of Opponents face Opponents face yes } battle each other warily each other warily } across a table across a bar } } Opponent's Yuri Bubba no } name } } Initial Feints to test Feints to test yes } moves opponent's opponent's } resolve resolve } } Mid-game Slow buildup Slow buildup yes } of strength of anger } } How to tell Missing Missing yes } that you're pieces teeth } losing } } Decisive Unexpected Unexpected yes } moment and devastating and devastating } attack attack } } Final Checkmate Unconsciousness yes } outcome } } So there you have it - the only real difference between a chess } game and a bar room brawl is the name of your opponent. } } You owe the Oracle a stiff drink and an effective response to } the Nimzovich-Larsen attack. --- 1327-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Without fear of animadversion I stand before the One and Only > Internet Oracle, wisest of the Entities whose works appear on > USENET. You are this planet's greatest resource, a deep well > of wisdom that aids us all. You are both Capital and Rational. > > How can I rid the world of cancer? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Good question. But from your query it is obvious that you do not fully } understand the origins of Cancer, so without further ado... } } **wavey picture blurs out and into the new scene** } } SCENE: the swamps of Lerna, a long^(really big number) time ago } } Hercules: Alas, in my madness, I have murdered my family. But I will } make it right by slaying yonder beast! } Hydra: Oh no! I do fear that yon madman intends to kill me. Luckily I } am immortal. } [ Hercules chops off one of the Hydra's heads. Another grows in its } place. Repeat until listeners get bored. ] } Hercules: Curses! This monster proves a larger challenge than } anticipated. } Hydra: *yawn* I grow tired of this. I will summon a giant crab named } Cancer to finish him } [ Cancer appears with a *TOZ* sound. ] } Hercules: Ye gods! A crab whatever will I do?!? } [ Cancer bites Hercules' foot. Hercules just laughs. ] } Hercules: Who do you think I am? Achilles? } [ Hercules slays Cancer. ] } Hydra: Oh no! I shall honor mine fallen comrade by giving him a place } in the heavens. } Hercules: You're next. } Hydra: Nyet. Can't get me unless you know the secret that only } destroying a specific one of my heads will kill me. Oops... } } Orrie: Anyhow, long story shorter, Hercules went on the slay the Hydra } and then do a lot of other stuff. Now, the subject of your question, } however, went on to become M44 (NGC 2632), a distant cluster of stars } between 520 and 590 light years away from Earth. In fact, with light } pollution, you can't even see it with the naked eye anymore. So rest } assured, the world has already been rid of Cancer and you can just kick } back and bemoan the scarcity of monsters for the would-be hero of today } to fight. } } You owe the Oracle a 1,040 to 1,180 year vacation to determine just how } far away M44 (NGC 2632) really is. --- 1327-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great Oracle who designs all these fantastic constants: > Please tell me why we have to do pointless AND boring experiments > in physics to find inaccurate versions of constants that we already > know? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ohm my god - Avogadro tell you a story Joule really like! } } I Nu this fellow Schroedinger who was great at interviewing people - he } was like an emcee, squared. Anyway, Theta-ther day Schroedinger offered } to sell me his cat (I guess he didn't Quantum). So, um, the Moment,um, } I first see this cat he Volts! And now every time I come home he } Boltz,mann! He gets Tensor and Tensor.. like his former owner was } torturing him on Dirac! } } I wanted to Force Schroedinger to explain, but the Current issue was my } cat's Resistance to be around me. Then one day after Mass, I turned on } the Vacuum, and the Volume surprised him so much that when I turned it } off, he acted as gentle as a Lambdoes. So now I take him to the } Circuits seven times a week - that's a Faraday! } } Anyway, I went to c Schroedinger. "Did you Hertz that cat? Phi on you!" } I said. } } But he exploded: "Watt!??! Such Impedance! That Torr it - you used to } have Potential, but if you don't speak with Gravity, the end of your } career is Lumen!" } } Well, it was all I could do to Coulomb down, but I don't want to Bohr } you with the details. Planck's for a great question! } } You owe the Orace a joke that ends: "Vector? I barely know her!" --- 1327-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do i feel so uncomfortable in relationships that they just dont > last? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Do I really need to answer that question, Oedipus? --- 1327-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most perplexingly brilliant, > > Why do you sometimes give me an answer that doesn't match my question > at all? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Easy. Move the bishop to c5, and that sets up the mate at f8, with } bishop and rook. } } You owe the Oracle a white knight. --- 1327-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why am I the only sane being in this mad mad mad mad world? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You dare question the sanity of Napoleon, king of zebras? You orange } granule! I shall smite thee with my striped breadstick! I shall pelt } thee with legumes! You will be hung by your trombone! } } You owe Napoleon a beryllium sandwich. --- 1327-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle Most Wise, > > The Weapons of Mass Destruction were a pack of lies, and we all fell > for it. > The story of the 'heroic' rescue of Private Lynch was a pack of lies, > and we all fell for it. > The 'jubilant crowds of Iraqis' pulling down Saddams statue was a pack > of lies, and we all fell for it. > > What's the next pack of lies we're all going to fall for ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "Does my ass look too big in this jumper?" } "Is this lipstick on your collar?" } "Whatcha thinkin' 'bout?" } } Tough Questions. You Need Answers. Fast. } } Enter... } } The All-New and Improved } OraCo Brand } } L I E P A C K } } Each pack of OraCo's New and Improved Lie Pack contains twenty-four } bonafide fibs for general situations where your trust is on the line. } Forget your anniversary? I bought this big honking diamond ring and } I'll be damned if a cow didn't eat it! No problem! Out of the doghouse } for at least as long as it takes Bessie to digest that fictional ring } and for you to get to the jewelry store before it closes. } } Each card is plastic coated and typeset in large, friendly letters. } OraCo's New and Improved Lie Pack retails for $14.95, two packs for } $24.95. Collect 'em. Trade 'em. Guard them with your life. } } OraCo. Making Your Life Just A Bit More Tolerable. } } You owe the Oracle a patent, a trademark, and a service mark. --- 1327-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > >>>>>> > >>>>>> > >>>>>> > >>>>>> > >>>>>> > >>>>>> > >>>>>> And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Aha, a heraldry question. } } The answer is 'six lions rampant on a field gold'. } } You owe the oracle a heraldry dictionary. --- 1327-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle Most Wise, > > how many ways are there to skin a cat? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There are N ways to skin a cat. } } We can rule out all all N <= 1, because everyone knows there's more } than one way to skin a cat. Also, there must be a finite number of } ways we can skin any given cat, limited by the number of lives it has. } So N must also be less than or equal to 9 for any specific cat. } } However, this formulation is only valid for cases in which there is } only one cat. So for practical purposes, one can multiply the upper } limit to 9 times the number of cats used. } } Thus, the domain comes out to: } } 1 < W <= 9C } } Where W is the number of ways to skin a cat, and C is the number of } cats being used. [ Presumably, you could skin some of your cats the } same way. ] } } However, if there are any representatives of PETA or the SPCA in the } vincinity, W will collapse rapidly to zero. } } You owe the Oracle several inventive, painful ways to skin animal } rights protesters.