From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Wed Apr 21 22:55:59 2004 Received: from moose.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.10/8.12.10/IUCS_2.61) with ESMTP id i3M3twsB012944; Wed, 21 Apr 2004 22:55:59 -0500 (EST) Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.10/8.12.10/Submit) id i3M3twNl012942; Wed, 21 Apr 2004 22:55:58 -0500 (EST) Date: Wed, 21 Apr 2004 22:55:58 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200404220355.i3M3twNl012942@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1357 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1357 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1357 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 21 Apr 2004 22:55:47 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1357 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1352 52 votes 8hda4 238dq 3fla3 6dcf6 3dff6 14bkg 2amd5 14gkb 5bhf4 07li6 1352 3.3 mean 2.7 4.1 2.9 3.0 3.2 3.9 3.2 3.7 3.0 3.4 --- 1357-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > That's why I told you to not use the blasted thing in the first place. > > You owe the Oracle a new Time Machine to fix this mess. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Anachronistic Oracle, who fully regards time-space as illusory.. } } I have this time machine here for you that I think we can employ to } reuse a askme/tellme trick I saw in one of the digests! The only } thing I'm worried about is what happened to you and the supplicant } the last time. Let's see if it works for us! --- 1357-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If one can 'deny', how does one 'ny' in the first place? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Excellent point, Mr. Chomsky. I believe you are onto something } big and (more importantly) publishable - maybe you can finally } get something into print besides those romance novels you've } been doing under a nom d'amour all these years to pay the rent, } "Danielle". Oops, sorry, touchy touchy, are we? No offense } intended. "Dani." :) :) :) (BTW I wish gigolos didn't figure } so prominently in each and every one of your novels - your } evident familiarity with that profession kind of creeps me out, } if you know what I mean.) } } Back to your topic. Notice how defend means practically the same } thing as fend. And while defenestration means throwing something } or someone out the window, you can't throw him back in by fenestration, } you would only rearrange the windows, or maybe do some surgery on } him (which come to think of it may be necessary after being thrown } out of a window). } } A decoy is a bit closer to being coy than to being opposite to it. } And I have no clue at all what corum could mean as some type of } synonym for chaos or misbehavior. Your example of "ny" is of } course the prototype, ripping away the false pretenses of our } decadent right-wing oligarchy and all that other stuff; kudos } to you for spotting it. } } Thus it proves likely that linguists have been incorrect all these } years about de- being a Latin root meaning separation or negation. } Sounds more like the Tagalog prefix meaning "leave me alone } and put me on your do-not-call list because actually this has } nothing whatsoever to do with...". Perhaps there is a Comparative } Anthropology angle to this too, if it turns out the people in the } Philippines had telephones hundreds of years ago. Look into this. } Though maybe it was just Gilligan style coconuts and strings, in } which case you're back to square one. } } Say, that reminds me of an amusing little anecdote that took place } just the other day, swear to God. Little Jimmy was asked by his } teacher to use all of the words defense, defeat, detail, and } deduct in a single sentence. He thought for a moment and then } said "Defeat of deduct went over defense before detail." :) :) :) } You might wish to pass that one along to your chums at MIT, as I } suspect they may get a real "hoot" out of it, if I may be excused } the use of a bit of the vernacular. Encourage them to say it } out loud a few times. :) :) :) Don't worry, it's not a mean } trick like the last one I told you, "Owah Tagu Siam", they'll } like this one, swear to God. I really do feel bad about hurting } all your feelings last time, swear to God. :) :) :) } } You owe the Oracle a delightful, delicious, and de-lovely song. --- 1357-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most pragmatic and punctual Oracle, who has the Japanese to carrying > around umbrellas in order to prevent the rain, who has never been late > to any appointment, even those that you were never told about. Most > omniscent Oracle, who can not only tell me what I have in my pocket, > but where I found it and exactly when it will be thrown into the fires > of Mount Doom, and who will do such a thing and why. > > I am a Comp-Sci major at a local state college. Just recently I was > invited to perform in a theatrical play. I think I would do spendid > job, seeing that acting and programming require a measure of lying. > > Is it a good idea for a programming student to also act in a > quasi-professional production? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ORACLE: Hmm. Looks like Gollum pulled off another miraculous } stealth escape. What a talent; pity he had to fall for that "natural } therapy" bunk and won't take his pills. I keep telling them, but no-one } listens... } } [Orrie rummages around the cupboards, eventually finding his very dusty } PALANTIR. Giving it a quick buff with his sleeve, he settles into a } comfy armchair and conjures up GANDALF THE WHITE.] } } ORRIE: OI! GANDALF! } } [After a short wait during which distant fumbling noises are heard, a } very rumpled wizard bearing a marked resemblance to Sir Ian McKellen } appears in the Palantir.] } } GW: Oh no. Not you again. } } ORRIE: Hmmph. You were glad enough to see my face when the } Balrog had you cornered. [Squints at Palantir] You haven't been smoking } that Rivendell Red stuff again, have you? There's good reason it's } still illegal. Your eyes look worse than Sauron's! A habit like yours, } it's no wonder he almost got the Ring back. } } GW: It's medicinal! Elrond wrote me a script, I'll have you know. And } everyone says I did a fine job clearing up that pesky Ring business. } Poor Frodo's *still* broken up about it. I've had quite a time trying } to console him. } } ORRIE: I'll bet you have. Don't think your foot-fetish isn't } common knowledge around here. [Interrupts Gandalf's sputtering to } continue.] And how many times must I tell you? The One Ring is a state } of *mind*, not a silly piece of metal one can throw into a furnace and } be done with! Mount Doom my eye. } } GW: Yes, it wasn't one of your better Incarnations, was it. } } ORRIE: Watch it, G. No connexion between my good self and that } disembodied force of darkest evil was ever established. And anyway, } what of it? A little chaos, a little mayhem... Nothing you couldn't } handle. } } [Gandalf muttering: "...Oracle...does what he likes with evidence, } doesn't he...probably turned Saruman...] } } ORRIE: All right, don't get your staff in a knot. Take a look at } this. } } [Orrie conjures live feed of supplicant--aka GOLLUM--in the Palantir. } Gollum is scuttling across a nondescript college park in a manner both } twitchy and lithe, looking pale, sweaty, and slightly aged, but } blending in well. He's headed for a dark and imposing building with a } plaque that reads "GATES SCHOOL OF DRAMA"] } } GW: Well, well. You've got to hand it to old Smeagol. Nice to see } he's faring so well. Now if you'll excuse me, I was just in the middle } of a good book. } } Orrie: Please. I know all about that life-sized Bomabadil doll } you've got tucked out of sight. You can't pull one over on The Oracle, } GG. } } GW: You know, if you're just calling to insult me -- and I'd thank } you to acknowledge the superhuman effort I've put into maintaining } these sparklingly, blindlingly WHITE raiments indicating the rank } I've-- } } [Orrie cuts Gandalf off by thrusting Gollum's query into the Palantir. } Gandalf takes a quick glance at it and tosses it aside, unmoved.] } } GW: Acting would suit Smeagol quite well. He's already got the } confusion between fantasy and reality down pat, though, given his } appearance these days, he's bound to get stuck in character roles. } Still, I think it's a better choice than Computing, don't you? All } those 00000s are bound to excite his Post Traumatic Ring Disorder. And } anyway, look at his spelling and syntax -- simply atrocious. He'd never } get his programmes to run. } } ORRIE: That's the point! Gollum is still in thrall to the Ring } and doesn't realise he's being controlled by the Dark Lord of Mordor. } That "acting" gig is a behavioural control scheme Sauron's been using } to keep Gollum under his thumb. } } GW: What??? We destroyed The One Ring! I pissed on Sauron's grave } just the other day!!! } } ORRIE: Put down that pipe and TRY to focus, G: Ring=Metaphor! } And didn't you get the memo? Gorthaur faked his death, changed his name } YET AGAIN, moved to Lower-Earth, forged another Ash nazg durbatuluk } appropriate to the laws of this Time, and is currently wreaking } destruction on a scale terrifying to behold. Corruption of innocents, } enslavement of the weak-- } } GW: No imagination, that one, just "gimme gimme gimme power power } power scorched earth MUAHAHAHAHAH." And no -- I HAVEN'T been checking } my inbox because I'm supposed to be enjoying my retirement! Saving the } beings of the Fourth Age from Ultimate Evil wasn't in my contract, as } you recall. } } ORRIE: Erm... I can offer you much better terms this time, } Gandalf-- } } GW: No! I feel quite responsible for poor Frodo as it is, and with } that bleached floozy Galadriel pestering him day and night-- } } ORRIE: Then I suggest you check your inbox regularly, GG, } because you just might find a serious administrative problem concerning } your pension benefits! } } [Orrie shuts down Palantir; heaves a deep sigh; opens a new } connection.] } } ORRIE: Hello, Linus? You know, Lisa's awfully concerned about Steve } these days. Apparently that business with Bill has him convinced he's } fresh young thing with a new future ahead of him... Lisa talks about } you all the time, you know... } } You owe the Oracle 3.17... cases of visine. --- 1357-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "T. Gies" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How can I train my back and shoulder muscles to become really strong > and wide back looking? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Stop shaving your back. The extra weight will build up your } muscles in no time. } } You owe the Oracle a Charles Atlas course. --- 1357-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle, whose knowledge is beyond compare... > > Have I ever been the victim of a practical joke without my knowledge? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What else would you call The Internet Oracle? } } You owe the Oracle a snipe. --- 1357-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, Oracle please deign to help me, your unworthy and humble > supplicant! I just looked at the "born on" date on my beer and it says > tomorrow! Is this some kind of joke, or are the people at Budweiser > at it again? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What you purchased may have been a mis-labeled sample of their } new product, TachyonBrau. Tastes Great, More Paradoxical! } } After you drank it, did you feel the strange phenomenon of running } faster and faster, the tireder you got? Did you find that causality } suddenly stopped being enforced, for instance the lack of weapons of } mass destruction found in Iraq being held as proof that somebody's } obviously hiding something? Did your vacuum cleaner suddenly become } unstable? Did you start receiving subspace messages from Starfleet } Academy, or perhaps make the Kessel run in less than twelve parsecs? } } If so, then don't worry, the symptoms should mostly have disappeared } by around the next time you went to the bathroom. It works like } regular beer in that respect, except for some lingering problems } with causality that the brewmeister hasn't quite worked out yet. } Perhaps he has been using gluons that weren't completely dry, as } a cheaper substitute. } } You owe the Oracle a young lady named Bright. --- 1357-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty meliflous melodious oracle, > whose ASCII tumbles from on high > illuminating the dark corners of out culture, > tell me, your humble impecable implorer, > Is genetically engineering a venus fly trap > and sequoia tree hybrid dangerous ? > Could its' bark would be as dangerous as its bite ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } As a child I once crossed a bridge with my bicycle and, while } I didn't find the offspring to be useful for running my paper } route, the experience made a lasting impression and I attempted } similar experiments periodically for many years, rarely with } much success. } } At my first summer job I crossed a picket line with a co-worker, } and then crossed paths with a union boss, but I was a bit lucky } and nothing resulted except an ugly photo on the front page of } the newspaper. Similarly unsuccessful, I tried crossing a lake } with a canoe and wound up only with soaking wet clothes and a } lost wallet. } } My most satisfying result was when I crossed a mountain range } with my college girlfriend - very impressive peaks. Unfortunately, } I later crossed a line with her, and all I had to show for it } was a slap on the cheek. } } I had one other major success: CBS thanked me when I crossed a } gorilla with a computer and created Harry Reasoner. } } But yes, as you have surmised, manipulating genes at random can } be very dangerous. } } During the war I crossed a minefield with a Jeep, and created } the Ford Pinto which as you know turned out to explode every few } miles. I later tried crossing the desert with only a bottle of } gin, and I luckily not only survived but wound up inventing the } very dry martini. } } But that was wartime, where you take risks. Crossing a railroad } track with a school bus, or crossing a red light with a baby } stroller, are hybrids I have heard of others trying but sound } potentially lethal and I am reluctant to experiment with them } myself. } } I once crossed a parrot with a lion, and I don't know what I got } but when it talked you better believe I listened. } } On the practical side, crossing a potato with a sponge has created } mashed potatoes that hold gallons of gravy. And crossing a chicken } with a banjo has resulted in poultry that plucks itself. But I } have crossed the road with that chicken many times and I only get } to the other side. } } You owe the Oracle a hootenanny. --- 1357-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > *hic* And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } These may be caused by misconfigured routers or workstations. Often, } however, your service provider may simply be performing routine network } maintenance. There is no reason to be concerned unless these glitches } recur on a regular basis. } } You owe The Oracle $500 in consulting fees. --- 1357-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > diggidy dank! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I know, supplicant, I can't believe it either. First } it's Prince. Then it's the "Artist Formerly Known As } Prince". Then it's that weird symbol thing that even } *I* cannot pronounce. Now it's Diggidy Dank! It's } all just a failed attempt to make his long-awaited (by } him) comeback by using Snoop Dogg's name recognition. } This is the same theory behing running for president } under your father's name. Sure, it works at first, } but the people catch on eventually. After Diggidy } Dank, he'll move on to trying "The Artist Formerly } Known As Diggidy Dank," then "The Best Singer Ever," } then "The Artist Formerly Known As Best Singer Ever," } then "The Artist Formerly Known As The Artist Formerly } Known As The Best Singer Ever," etc. After several } years of this, his name will be so long that just } giving him a mention will eat up a full 6 hour awards } show (just for an example, of course... I would hate } to give you the impression he'll actually be nominated } for an award). After which, he will *FINALLY* find the } name that will make him rich: "If You Buy My CD You } Get A Free Beer." } } You owe the Omnipotent Being Formerly Known As The } Oracle an unpronounceable symbol. --- 1357-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > i had sex! > :) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Quite nice, ungroveling worm. I see you've made good use of my previous } answer with the two-steps guide to develop a healthy sex life from } zero. Congratulatations. } } Just for being a good kid, I'll let you go unzotted this time. But } remember, don't linger too much in step one. Now have courage, and make } haste to step two: } } "Substitute vegetables with a real partner, and repeat" } } Go on, don't fear, a life of wonderful pleasures and happiness awaits } you, ignore the hardships of rejections and don't dismay. } Go, my little supplicant, go and make history... } } Enough, who am I kidding. Being omniscient ans stuff I foresee you'll } never pass from step one, so don't feel bad, it's not your fault, it's } "destiny". Ha ha ha. } } You owe the Oracle nothing, you amused me already too much.