From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Mon May 10 07:58:52 2004 Received: from moose.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.10/8.12.10/IUCS_2.61) with ESMTP id i4ACwpu4024189; Mon, 10 May 2004 07:58:51 -0500 (EST) Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.10/8.12.10/Submit) id i4ACwoi0024187; Mon, 10 May 2004 07:58:50 -0500 (EST) Date: Mon, 10 May 2004 07:58:50 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200405101258.i4ACwoi0024187@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1359 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1359 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1359 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 10 May 2004 07:58:39 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1359 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1354 54 votes 09jn3 06kl7 98bl5 2fid6 8jcc3 3glc2 7dhe3 chk50 4cjg3 cnc43 1354 2.9 mean 3.4 3.5 3.1 3.1 2.7 2.9 2.9 2.3 3.0 2.3 --- 1359-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle Most Wise and Macrocephalic, > > "The chief function of the body is to carry the head around." > --Albert Einstein > > Do you agree or disagree? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I agree. } } I don't! } } Will you shut up, Left Toe! } } No! I think the body is more important that that! Liver agrees with me, } don't you Liver? } } Don't drag me into this. Ask Heart, she's the one we all rely on } } Well... I think both sides of the argument have to be considered } } Oh shut up all of you! I'm the brain, I'm in control! } } You weren't in control when Lisa visited last night... I was. } } Look, I've told you to shut up especially! } } Supplicant, could you come back later - I need to give the toes a stern } talking to, they've been TOLD not to incite rebellion, and they didn't } seem to get the message. } } You owe the Oracle your pancreas --- 1359-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > This is a multi-part message in MIME format. > ------_=_NextPart_001_01C42E3C.1298AEA4 > Content-Type: text/plain; charset="US-ASCII" > > Oh all-knowing wonderful Oracle, who has guided me to the light many > times over the years; I'm going to a casino boat next Tuesday. Will I > be a winner? Or is there no such thing as winning at gambling? > > Got any tips? > > Thanks > Zach [name changed to protect the guilty -ed] > Dell Inc. > > SAVE SPACE. USE AN ASCII SIGNATURE :) > > EEEEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDDDDDDDEEGGEEDDDDDDDDEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDDEEEEEEDDDDDEDE > fiiiiiiiiiitfGDEEDDDDDDDEEGj: ,jGDEDDDDEGiiiiiiDEDDDDDEDiiiiiiDEEGt,Gj > i .iLEDDDEEGj, .iGGGEEDEG GEDDDDDEG GEDEf:Ki > i iDEDf, .;fGj: ,fDEG GEDDDDDEG GEDDDDED > i :ti,. ,; ;fGj, .iDG GEDDDDDEG GEDDDDDD > i iEEED, :ff, .;fGf, GEDDDDDEG GEDDDDDD > i iEDDEL. .ifGf,. GEDDDDDEG GEDDDDDD > i iEEED; :Lf; DEEEEEEEG DEEEEEEE > i ,ji,. ;i. .if :::::::LD :::::::L > i tDEDf;. .ifDEG fD f > i :tGEDDDEEDf;. .;fDEDDEG fD f > fjjjjjjjjjjjfGDEEDDDDDDDEEDf,..;fDEEDDDDEDjjjjjjjjjjjjjGDjjjjjjjjjjjjjG > > ------_=_NextPart_001_01C42E3C.1298AEA4 > Content-Type: text/html; charset="US-ASCII" > > > [deleted for brevity -ed] > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You... it... you... the... } } *picks up phone and dials* } } "Dell Customer Support, how may I help you?" [1] } } "Hi, Internet Oracle here, may I speak to Zach?" } } "Oh, hi there. Sure, just a minute. Do you want to speak to Michael } while you're waiting?" } } "Nah, he's busy right now." } } "Oh, well, I guess you'd know. Anyway, here's Zach. -- Hi, this is } Zach! Who's this?" } } "Internet Oracle. How are you, Zach?" } } "Hey, wow! The real Internet Oracle?" } } "Yes, of course." } } "Wow, I just sent you a question a little while ago! And I thought } you'd respond by mail!" } } "Well, Zach, that's what I'd like to talk to you about." } } "I can't believe it! Oh my God! Am I like the millionth email or } something?" } } "No, Zach. Zach, listen up. About that gambling boat." } } "Oh yeah! So, am I going to win?" } } "No, Zach, you're going to lose and lose, and lose some more. It will } be painful for you, and painful for onlookers. You're going to bet and } lose all your money, your wedding ring, your class ring, your } grandfather's ring you carry around in your wallet, your wallet itself, } your car keys, and one of your gold fillings. Then you're going to get } drunk on Harvey Wallbangers and throw up on the roulette table. They } are going to have to put you on a rowboat and row you back to shore to } have your stomach pumped, but you're going to fall out of the boat and } nearly drown, buoyed up at the last minute by a rising bubble of sewage } gas which wil propel you back onto the boat as it pops, accompanied by } a few pounds of raw sewage. When you all get back to shore the doctor } won't be able to find his tubes, and while he tries to find them you're } going to vomit and vomit until there is nothing left inside your body } that isn't bolted down. And Zach?" } } "... Wuh?" } } "That's just the beginning." } } "Um, Oracle, this is really about the ASCII signature and the MIME } attachment, isn't it?" } } "Ah, smart boy. I've never seen that many non-breaking spaces in } something that proudly claimed to be ASCII." } } "I'm really sorry." } } "It's too late for that. If it hadn't been for the line that said } 'SAVE SPACE. USE AN ASCII SIGNATURE :)' I would have Zotted you, } but it made me laugh too hard." } } "I'm sorry sorry sorry sorry!" } } "Well, OK." } } "Oh thank god." } } "Oh hush. Just don't let it happen again. Have fun on the boat. Bye } now. And tell Michael I said hi." } } *click* } } [1] This is how you can tell it's fiction. } } You owe the Oracle replacement milk for what I lost when I laughed it } out of my nose. --- 1359-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > C:\WINDOWS\system32\winmine.exe And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } +-+-+-+ } | | | | } +-+-+-+ } | |7| | } +-+-+-+ } | | | | } +-+-+-+ } } You owe the Oracle a heavily armored suit... or a hovercar. --- 1359-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I'm worried about my cat. Do you know where I can find a good quantum > mechanic? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Any mechanic is a quantum mechanic. Cut one in half and he's not a } mechanic anymore. } } You owe the Oracle an atomic bomb, a prime number, and a copy of the } Pledge of Allegiance. --- 1359-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear oracle, tell me by checking one box... > > [ ] I will go out with you. > > [ ] I do not want to go out with you. > > You're so dreamy! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [X] Take out Court Injunction to prevent future contact from persistent } stalker. --- 1359-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, bringer of light and destroyer of faith... > > Who gives better head? Sandra, Kristie or Tom? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } OG take question! Og knows! } } Now, bring head! } } Ah, Sandra have head of missionary! Good head! But, } is it best head? Og must know. } } Kristie bring head of European imperialist that calls } himself "explorer!" Og approve of this head. This } head better than Sandra Head. } } What head does Tom have? } } Tom brings head of supplicant who asks risque question } in family setting. Tom give Og best head of all! } } You owe Og... Oh, Og have it already. --- 1359-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > May 5, 2004 > > Dear Mr. Oracle: > > It is with regret that we inform you of the passing of > Ms. Wendigo Bleth. However, her last will and > testament identified you as the indented recipient of > multiple objects d'art, itemized below: > > * One (1) crystal statue of Ms. Bleth's cat, Spartacus. > * One (1) bible, King James. > * Thirty-two (32) Red Jellybeans. > * Two (2) paintings, "The Scourgaging of the Supplicant" > and "Dogs Playing Poker" > * One (1) United States Treasury Bond, est $5,000 > * Approximately seven hundred (700) back issues of > National Geographic. > * One (1) diamond tiara. > * One (1) manilla folder containing undeveloped rolls > of film. > > Please inform us as to whether you would like to > obtain these items, or if they are to be distributed > to the other heirs and the State Of Maryland. > > Yours, > > Michael Anyone III, Esq. > Anyone, Michaels, Ford, Trendle, Kevin, and Bacon. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } May 4, 2004 } } Dear Mr. Bacon: } } It is with regret that I inform you of the impending death of one of } your longtime clients, a Ms. Wedingo Bleth, of [address deleted]. } The autopsy will reveal that she died (rather, will have died) } peacefully in her sleep at the age of 99 on the evening of the fourth } of May. } } You will find her wall safe hidden in her bedroom behind a painting } entitled "The Scourging of the Supplicant," which may be recognized } both by the subject (a thoroughly ZOTted individual holding a small } furred mammal) and by my signature in the lower left-hand corner. } The combination to the safe is 24-18-31. } } Inside the safe, you will find Ms. Bleth's last will and testiment, } as well as a manilla envelope containing several rolls of undeveloped } film. As the will indicates, some of these items rightfully belong } to me. You see, Ms. Bleth was a notorious blackmailer, and over the } years has taken a percentage of my Offerings as her price for leaving } the aforementioned film undeveloped. With her death, I am finally } free from her evil clutches. } } I recommend you assign your young partner, Mr. Anyone III, to } handle this case. Do not inform him of this communication; in fact } I recommend you destroy this letter after reading it. I am certain } I can count on your discretion in this matter, and in regards to the } manilla envelope. After all, I know what *really* happened to Mr. } Anyone II. } } Sincerely, } The Oracle --- 1359-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > [flash!] > > Mr. Oracle! Mr. Oracle! > > [flash-flash flash!] > > Would you like to comment on the allegations against > you? > > [flash] > > Where did you put the money? > > [flash] > > How do you explain the rodents? > > [flash flash flash] > > How will you plead? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "I have no comment at this time other than to say that a transcript } will be made available later today". } } AP reports: Oracle testifies before commission } Begin Transcript } } WITNESS: Presenting semi deity Oracle } } ORACLE: Good morning Chairman Kean. Let me firstly say that I'm proud } and honored to be testifying before the commission this morning. I wish } to make a brief opening statement before opening myself up to your } questions. } } KEAN: You may proceed. } } ORACLE: I understand and appreciate the reason for calling this } commission and respect the difficult task set forth before it. However, } it wasn't me. I was doing everything right before and nothing could } have saved us from those tragic events and I'm still doing everything } right currently. I've not made any mistakes, only those godless } heathens are at fault. There was no failure here, I was doing } everything perfectly. I'll now take your questions. } } KEAN: Oracle, I'd like to draw your attention to this picture of you. } Said picture clearly contradicts your opening statement. As you can see } in the picture, you're sitting at your desk where behind you sits a } framed embroidery that clearly states "I'm doing nuffin". Further, the } money trail is clearly visible in the background and runs strait up to } your desk. Finally, sir, how in good conscience can you explain those } rodents? } } AUDIENCE: } } KEAN: Quiet please. } } ORACLE: Allow me to answer your last question first. Those are simply } not rodents. Secondly Mr. Chairman the money trail does not run right } up to my desk, this is a modified picture. In reality the money trail } runs under my desk and continues on down the hall where it ends at some } scapegoats office. I mean Secretary Scape R. Goats office. The modified } picture also explains my framed embroidery, which actually reads, "I've } got muffins". As in, I've got the muffins to take on any of those other } places, you know the ones that are against us. } } KEAN: Now two minutes for the senator from [area name removed for } national security reasons] } } SENATOR XXXXXXX: Oracle, I've sat before several prominent commissions } including [identifying remark removed for national security reasons] } and the great abacus debate. Yet I've never heard anything as troubling } as I have heard here today. You sir may deny to the press, but anyone } can see that those are clearly rodents. In fact, I have a copy of the } receipt recovered from rodent emporium. Do you deny receiving and } endorsing this receipt in your Oracle Daily Brief (ODB) on [date } removed for national security reasons]? } } ORACLE: Senator, while it is true that I received said receipt in the } ODB, that particular ODB was a general report of rodent activity and } not specifically referencing the rodents seen in the previously } mentioned picture. Not that those rodents are acknowledged by my } experts to be rodents. I wish to thank the commission for it's } questions and look forward to reading the final report. Thank you } } End Transcript } } -- } You owe the oracle: A pirated copy of Photoshop. --- 1359-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Wonderful and Awesome Oracle, with the greatest memory of things that > never happened to Him out of anyone: > > What was on that list of movies that I really had to see that I lost? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } One moment dear, while I hunt the signs for your list. Traffic has } been heavy in lost lists of late but we catch them when we can. } The process for retrieving lists is difficult and we appreciate two } weeks notice. We are attempting to analyze this problem and expect } to have retrieval time to fifteen minutes by next February 2nd. } The usual suspect is Bruce, our list recovery technician, he has an } almighty amount of data to sort through. Once a list is isolated in } the net we must convert and reload it's matrix before it is usable. } A minority of reports are unable to be processed successfully. } I'm sorry supplicant but your list was unable to be reloaded. } The error message returned: lost in translation } } Thank you for using oracle list recovery services. --- 1359-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where have all the brownies gone? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I think you'll find they're right where they always were: just above } the brown shins.