From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Tue Sep 14 18:04:31 2004 Received: from moose.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.11/8.12.11/IUCS_2.62) with ESMTP id i8EN4UF3029145; Tue, 14 Sep 2004 18:04:30 -0500 (EST) Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.11/8.12.11/Submit) id i8EN4UeB029143; Tue, 14 Sep 2004 18:04:30 -0500 (EST) Date: Tue, 14 Sep 2004 18:04:30 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200409142304.i8EN4UeB029143@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1369 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1369 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1369 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 14 Sep 2004 18:04:19 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1369 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1364 54 votes 19gj9 5fm84 79hd8 7hed3 14ckh 2agl5 44hl8 29aif 1eld5 26fgf 1364 3.3 mean 3.5 2.8 3.1 2.8 3.9 3.3 3.5 3.6 3.1 3.7 --- 1369-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great oracle of the powers above, one who invented philosophy, > who has such awsome powers of knitting, who always wears jumpsuits, > I beg of you to answer my hypthetical question. In the later hours of > a doldrum day, I came upon a frivolous encyclopedia of trival knowledge > named "It's Obvious You Won't Survive On your Wits Alone". I decided > to open this book to see what was in it, and found this question > unanswered: Who would win if a giant moth fought a giant but modest > bee in an All-wool jumpsuit? The bee is wearing the jumpsuit, and > this is purely hypothetical. > So, that brings me to the question. Who would win if a giant moth > fought a giant but modest bee in an All-wool jumpsuit? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } All things happen for a reason, supplicant, and now I understand the } nature of what I saw a few years back. } } It started one rainy afternoon. I was making a day of flipping } through the channels (as you can imagine, I get a LOT of stations), } and I ended up on a program entitled "E! True Hollywood Story". As } best I could figure, it was about the modern-day suffering of great } stars from the past. } } The show was about the Mosura trial of 2001. Perhaps better known as } Mothra, Mosura was a proud giant moth, probably one of the very few } from this plane of existance. He had a hit in the 60s with his } self-titled movie, but things went downhill with lower and lower } budget hack sequels. The final straw was the horrible remake in 1996, } which added a bunch of confusing fantasy elements to what was at its } core a giant monster sci-fi vehicle. It actually did all right at the } box office, but Mosura believed he had sold out giant monsters } everywhere. His soul was crushed. } } He never did recover from this. Unfit for movie work and broke (have } you ever seen a moth try to handle his finances), he was forced into a } series of demeaning breakfast cereal commercials, until he eventually } did what was in his nature -- massive destruction. One of the victims } was Julian, the Honey Nut Cheerios Bee. Some say it was the sight of } his giant wool jumpsuit that enraged Mosura and sent him past the } breaking point. Julian never stood a chance. } } So there you have it. } } You owe the Oracle a tummy tempting of the nuts-and-honey-taste style. --- 1369-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Y0 7|-|3|23 0|2<13 |)00|), J00 4|23 73|-| 1337357, 7311 |\/|3... > > |-|0\/\/ /\/\|_|<|-| \/\/00|) \/\/0|_||_|) 4 \/\/00|)<|-||_|<|< > <|-||_|<|< > 1F 4 \/\/00|)<|-||_|<|< <0|_|1|) <|-||_|<|< \/\/00|)??+ > > [ 0|-| Y35, \/\/3 4|R3 7|-|3 P|20 |-|4XXX0|2 > \/\/00|)<|-||_|<| |\|0\/\/ \/\/3 5|-|411 |20X0|2 J00|2 B0X0|2!!!!11 7|-|15 15 7|-|3 > 3|\||) 0F > 73|-| 0|24<13!!!1 ] And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear supplicant, } } This is to notify you that you have activated the Internet } Oracle's Marmot Intrusion Detection System: } } --------------------------------------------------------------- } | Woodchuck |-|4x0|2 (Haxor) vs. Woodchuck "Hacker" | } |------------------------------|------------------------------| } |Favorite Tools: PC, Internet |Favorite Tools: Bone saw, rib| } |connection, Haxors for dummies|cage separator, scalpel, axe, | } |book, Haxor-to-english |chain saw, marmot restraints, | } |alphabet chart, and a member- |and various medieval torture | } |ship to scriptz "r" us. |implements. | } --------------------------------------------------------------- } |Battle Cry: "0|-| Y35, \/\/3 |Battle Cry: "Your skull shall| } |4|R3 7|-|3 P|20 |-|4XXX0|2" |be my trophy!" | } --------------------------------------------------------------- } |Motivation: To prove |Motivation: $5 per woodchuck | } |"|_337|/|355" |hide paid by some guy in | } | |Indiana, but also because it | } | |satisfies his homicidal | } | |desires for a few moments. | } --------------------------------------------------------------- } } I'm afraid that this can only end badly for you. You don't owe } anything. The entertainment value will be payment enough. --- 1369-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Great Oracle, who understands even the opposite sex, > > After the most recent Oracularities digest (#1368), I must ask: have > you thought about starting your own love-advice column? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmmm, a good suggestion indeed, but consider: after the first few } millenia, virtually the only thing I'd ever be asked would be as such: } } "Oh most sagacious Oracle, whose Valentine's Day chocolate-wrappers I } am most unworthy to lick, I beseech thee in an evermost quest for } knowledge: } How many hearts could a heart-chuck chuck if a heart-chuck could chuck } hearts?" } } You owe the Oracle a good dictionary definition of 'heart-chuck'. --- 1369-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Catastrophic leader of knowledge, > > Boxers or briefs? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } *Dog whistle* Depends... --- 1369-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wazzup? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Kitty401: nm u? } Lilyup203: same } Kitty401 has Logged off. } Lilyup203: wtf? } Kitty401 has Logged on. } Lilyup203: what happened? } Kitty401: orrie decided that he needed a donut from the managment } fridge had to look busy } Lilyup203: oh k } Kitty401: fyi i might do that again } Lilyup203: k } Kitty401: shoot gtg } Lilyup203: ttyl?? } Kitty401: tottaly } Kitty401 has Logged off. } Lilyup203: bye } Lilyup203 has Logged off --- 1369-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I like this guy. He likes me. Does that make us boyfriend and > girlfriend, or just random people? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } if you're 5: friends } 10: enemies } 15: BF & GF, or enemies, if something broke you up } 20: Random People, or living together } 25: Fiances, or Pen pals } 30: Married, or never going to see each other again } 50: A happy couple, or an old bat and a TV scammer } } So, as you can see, It depends on your age. --- 1369-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most coolly neat of all Oracles, I beg of thee, please hear the > supplication of this lowly mortal. > > I recently got a job privinf call-in phone support for an American cell > phone servcie. Judging by the calls I have listened in on during > training, a lot of the calls I will be answering will be from utter > morons who ask "How do I turn off my cell phone?" or "What do you mean > I have to pay for those 250 text messages over my limit of 100 free > ones?" > > I ask thee, what is the best way for me to keep from calling them > idiots while answering their questions so I won't get fired? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Do what I do with brainless suplicants, imagine them in their } underwear. After that traumatic experience, their moronic questions } won't seem half as bad. } } You owe The Oracle a phone that doesn't ring 10 seconds after he's } climbed into the bath. --- 1369-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle grant me an answer! > What character of Stargate Atlantis are you? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Let's reason this out, supplicant. In fact, I will cater to your } PowerPoint poisoned mind by showing you a bulleted list. } } - I have vast powers that you are just beginning to understand. } } - I need a supplicant base on which to feed, er, I mean from whom I can } demand offerings. Without supplicants, I might just as well } hibernate. } } - I possess highly advanced technology (e.g., the Zot Staff). } } - I often succumb to cliches. } } - I have a beautiful consort. No, wait, nobody on Stargate Atlantis } has any kind of consort, beautiful or otherwise. Strike this point. } } - In spite of all my advanced technology, the supplicants that annoy me } the most keep coming back and annoying me more, no matter how much I } shoot at them. Don't you dare suggest more time on the shooting } practice range. } } - I am cocky. } } I should think it was obvious, supplicant. Clearly I am the City of } Atlantis. } } You owe the Oracle a treatise entitled, "Long-Term Effects of Megadoses } of Prozac on Wraith Biochemistry", and a reason why the colonists did } not make poison darts out of the Hoffan miracle drug. --- 1369-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > To grovel this time I've flown in on Groucho's You > Bet Your Life duck, carrying $100, to be divided. > I give half of the money to you. Who gets the other > half? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Now, before I answer that, let me give you a free piece of advice. } If you divide the $100 dollar bill into five parts as perscribed by } the Banach-Tarski decomposition, you will be able to re-assemble the } pieces into two identical $100 dollar bills. Repeat this process n } times to earn 100*2^n dollars. Once you have produced enough money } in this way, give the $50 to me, give $50 to, ooh, I don't know, } Patrick Swayze, and use the remaining squillion dollars to build } a huge city the size of Texas in central South America. Get the } top architects in the world to design everything as perfectly as } possible, and then make it completely free for anyone to live there } (but be sure to include a clause that any crime committed will get } them kicked out of the city permanently in order to keep civil rest). } Now, watch as the world's population flock to the city and you will } permanently have distorted the world's balance of power. Don't forget } to name the city "Kiss-My-Ass-burg" in order to amuse yourself. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of "Dr. Phil's Ultimate Weight Loss } Challenge". --- 1369-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most bored and benevolent, > > Please tell me 011010000110111101110111001000000110110101100001011011100 > 111100100100000011100000110010101101111011100000110110001100101001000000 > 111010101101110011001000110010101110010011100110111010001100001011011100 > 110010000100000011101000110100001101001011100110010111000100000010000010 > 110110100100000010010010010000001100001001000000110011001110010011001010 > 110000101101011001000000110011001101111011100100010000001100001011100110 > 110101101101001011011100110011100111111001000000100111001101111001000000 > 111001001100101011000010110110001101100011110010010000001100001011011010 > 010000001001001001111110010000001011001011011110111010100100000011000110 > 110000101101110001000000111010001100101011011000110110000100000011011010 > 110010100111111 And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I admire your courage to attempt the extra credit question, trying to } calculate all the bits of pi in 3.717 fixed-point notation, but I'm } afraid your algorithm is flawed. The 318th bit after your implied radix } should be 0, not 1. I suggest you re-check your work - you may have a } speck of dirt that made a 1 look like a 0. } } You -did- write down your work, didn't you? You DIDN'T? What did your } teachers tell you about showing your work! You could have gotten } partial credit! As it is, I'll have to give you a 0.00000000000000000000 } 000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 } 000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 } 000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 } 000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 } 000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 } 000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 } 000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 } 000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 } 000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 } 00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000,