From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Sun Apr 17 21:08:03 2005 Received: from moose.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.11/8.12.11/IUCS_2.65) with ESMTP id j3I283fP001004; Sun, 17 Apr 2005 21:08:03 -0500 (EST) Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.11/8.12.11/Submit) id j3I283wo001002; Sun, 17 Apr 2005 21:08:03 -0500 (EST) Date: Sun, 17 Apr 2005 21:08:03 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200504180208.j3I283wo001002@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1383 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1383 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1383 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sun, 17 Apr 2005 21:07:51 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1383 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1378 41 votes 18c9b 13aed 68ab6 08ge3 09gd3 159ec 32fh4 37db7 5d8c3 7cc73 1378 3.3 mean 3.5 3.9 3.1 3.3 3.2 3.8 3.4 3.3 2.9 2.7 --- 1383-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Overreaching but unpunished Oracle, nothing I ask of > you ever makes enough sense. I keep falling into > stupid traps of my own making, probably because I > am less than half as good at grovelling as you yourself > must be. > > Be that as it may, I'm going to try grovelling once > again. Maybe this time I'll succeed. > > I see that you have an old armoured tank on your lawn. > It's gotta be left over from WWII. I'm gonna grovel > from inside it. > > No, no!! It's moving! Holy Cheez-its! CRUNCH! > > THUD. > > I'm now at the bottom of your drained swimming pool, > next to your battered MG-TC, your deflated blimp > and an unused pile of incendiary rockets. What do I > do now? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Evolve gills. The water truck is on its way. } } You owe the Oracle more bait for his Weekend Warrior Trap. --- 1383-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Theres not much I can say but coreopsis caused by > eating too much eggplant or chicken tenders engines. > When will they abdicate the death warmed over and go > into some sort of fender minding obsession? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Wait, no, that's not right. Hold on a second. *twiddle* } } > I dont have time to anathematize myxoid chowderheads until the } > piquantness raps from Saxonism is microwaved. } > Why is the upscaling of amyloids generally prohibited rather } > than being puttying reimplanted enchainments? } } No, that's even worse. Try again... *twiddle* } } > Cant the anisometropic diagonals do their own tooling? } } Well, at least it's shorter now... *twiddle* } } > Oracle, whose masterful auguring provides clarifications of matters } > relating to chickens: how can I become more trigly? } } Ah-hah. There we go, although the reference to chickens is still } puzzling. } } And, in answer to your question: already done. } You owe the Oracle an updated /usr/dict/words. --- 1383-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What shall we do with the drunken noodles, > What shall we do with the drunken noodles, > What shall we do with the drunken noodles, > Earlie in the morning? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Chop 2 chicken breasts into small pieces, } Chop 2 chicken breasts into small pieces, } Chop 2 chicken breasts into small pieces, } Earlie in the morning. } } Dice some vegetables and slice some peppers, } Dice some vegetables and slice some peppers, } Dice some vegetables and slice some peppers, } Earlie in the morning. } } Season to taste with chinese five spice, } Season to taste with chinese five spice, } Season to taste with chinese five spice, } Midway through the morning. } } Stir-fry the lot in a wok well-seasoned, } Stir-fry the lot in a wok well-seasoned, } Stir-fry the lot in a wok well-seasoned, } Getting on for lunchtime. } } Get yourself a pot of boiling water, } Get yourself a pot of boiling water, } Get yourself a pot of boiling water, } Just about on lunchtime. } } Simmer all the noodles till they soften, } Simmer all the noodles till they soften, } Simmer all the noodles till they soften, } As the clock strikes noontime. } } Serve four to six with a side of crackers, } Serve four to six with a side of crackers, } Serve four to six with a side of crackers, } For a tasty lunchtime. } } You owe the Oracle an Italian recipe to the tune of "She'll be coming } round the mountain". --- 1383-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Are you in? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, the Oracle is always on duty. } } Note that I nobly dodged the mature-audiences interpretation of the } question. } } You owe the Oracle a more lengthy grovel. --- 1383-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > dear oracle, what would a hitchcockian re-make of willy wonka be like? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Shortly before he died, Sir Alfred undertook just such a project. } Sadly, his will specified that it not be released in its half- } completed state. However I can share with you the broad outlines. } } The working title was Dial C For Chocolate. Five children are } playing across the street from a factory, when they witness } through an upper-floor window what appears to be a man being } smothered in a vat of chocolate. The young witnesses are spotted } by burly security men, and are kidnapped and gotten drunk on } chocolate liqueurs in order to stage their demise in a crop } dusting accident. } } However they escape and they stagger around the interior passages } of the enormous factory. Soon they encounter the owner himself, } Mister Willy Wonka, who brushes aside their stories of seeing } foul play and being captured by big cruel men. } } He takes them on a guided tour of his amazing place of business, } letting the children sample the candy products which have various } magical effects (flying, belching, etc etc etc). Of particular } interest to the children are the candies molded in the shapes } of items - not ordinary shapes like hearts and Santa Clauses, } but guns and daggers and sharp pointy scissors. Willy notices } their apprehension, and encourages it as he murmurs "the suspense } is terrible ... I hope it'll last". } } Meanwhile, details of the children's past are alluded to, } indicating there is more going on than was evident at first. } Nasty Veruca Salt, shown in an early scene as making eyes at Mike } Teevee, is revealed to have had a relationship in the past with } the impoverished Charlie Bucket, while Charlie's present paramour } Violet Beauregarde is found to have engaged in an embarrassing } social-suicide dalliance with fat Augustus Gloop. It is hinted } that Violet and Veruca may even have designs upon each other, } while we find that Augustus excuses himself to visit the bathroom } at an uncommon frequency. } } Soon it emerges that Wonka's intentions are at best mixed. He } queries the children as to their willingness to fly to Rio to } spy on some tennis-playing Nazis - competitors in the chocolate } business, he tells them. He asks them to deposit his $40,000 } in a Rio bank, but they seem unwilling. } } He brings the children into his "aviary", and sure enough, the } huge room contains chocolate carvings of hundreds of species of } birds, from wee sparrows to feasome looking hawks and eagles. } Willy taunts the children by pointing out the five candy } "lovebirds" in his collection, each with a nametag corresponding } to one of his guests. } } As they continue their tour, one by one the children mysteriously } disappear - they black out and when they regain consciousness one } of them is missing. For example, another room contains replicas } of skyscrapers, circus trapezes, church bell towers, and mountain } crests, complete with chocolate figures of people falling to their } demise. The children find themselves overcome with dizziness at } this, and run from the room screaming, and after a blackout where } they communicate with the spirit of a dead woman who they were } unable to save ("Give me your hand. Give me your hand"), Veruca } Salt is now gone. } } In another room is a complex of 12 chocolate cabins (all vacant) } giving the kids the creeps, and soon Violet is missing. Willy } pooh poohs the disappearance, saying, "Violet isn't quite herself } today". } } Soon, only Charlie is left. Frightened, he blurts out, "they said } when you got here, the whole thing started. Who are you? What } are you? Where did you come from? I think you're the cause of } all this." Willy replies, as he approaches Charlie menacingly, } "yeah, well, DUH." } } The scene dissolves to the aviary, where we see Willy removing the } surface features of his face, revealing that he is in actuality } a man made of chocolate, and what the children had witnessed in } the factory window had really been him replenishing himself. And } the five chocolate "lovebirds" are seen now to be animated, } twittering about together in their cage, doomed for all eternity. } } Wooo. Real scary, eh kids? } } You owe the Oracle a synopsis of Monster Chiller Horror Theater. --- 1383-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "J. Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most Splendificalistical, > > Why are so many words useful in grovels not found in the dictionary? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Webster never grovelled } I zotted him, you see } For pruning useful vowels } like axe's final e } } A dictionary, I told him } records the words we use to think } don't mess with their true structure } just for your book to shrink } } But webby, he had none of it } he pruned and slashed and burned } to make all spelling easier } declension rules he spurned } } I took offence at this furore } his face turned deathly grey } as though a spectre he had seen } he knew what was on its way } } I zotted him a further time } And to labour my point } his reched book with nitroglycerine } I surely did anoint } } So there you have it, supplicant } The dictionary doesn't contain supplicantacious words because the people } who compile dictionaries have their heads in stratocumulocloaca and } never think of grovelling. They're far too busy mutilating a perfectly } peaceful language. Sliods, all of them. } } You owe the oracle some slood. --- 1383-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Divine Oracle, > > How many people are now in Heaven and Hell? It seems like it would be > very difficult to avoid Hell, with the rules that various religions > impose. For example, there's basically no meat all of them agree is > OK to eat. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } How many people are now in Heaven and Hell? All the dead ones, of } course. Oh, except for the Catholics currently stuck in Purgatory. } (Did you notice no one mentioned *that* during Pope John Paul II's } recent funeral?) } } But I suppose that's not what you meant. Really, supplicant, if you } want to gain wisdom, you must be precise in the questions you ask. } Well, I'll do you a favor and try to find the answers you really } wanted. } } Now what'd I do with St. Peter's number? Ah, here it is. } } } } Hey, Pete. It's Orrie. } } Fine, fine. How about you? Keepin' those golden gates gleaming? } } Good. Hey, I got a question for you, seeing as you're in charge of } the attendance Up There and all. Just how many souls have signed in? } } Sure, I can wait a minute. } } [SHORT PAUSE] } } Really? Huh. Okay, thanks. Hey, you gonna be at the next poker } night? } } Good, I'll see you then. } } I hope he really makes it this time. He seems to back out at the last } minute so often. But when he makes it, it makes for an interesting } night. Anyone who can "deny Jesus" really knows how to bluff! } } Okay, so I've got half the answer. Let's get the other half. } } } } Hey, Sate. How's it hanging? } } Oh, really? } } Yeah, yeah. You always say that. Look, can you look up something for } me? } } Yeah, yet another supplicant's question. } } I know, I know. Look, all I need to know is how many souls you're } currently playing host to. } } You don't? How about a rough guess? } } Very funny. Actually, you know, I'll go with that. Serves this } supplicant right. } } I hear that! See ya, Sate. } } Thanks. } } Well, Satan says keeping a head count for Hell would just be too } orderly a thing to do. His best estimate is "billions and billions } served." And unfortunately, St. Peter tells me exact numbers for } Heaven are never released, as it could be seen as a denial of simple } faith. Far be it from me to argue with the Big Guy, but I can tell } you this much: vegetarians are well represented. } } You owe the Oracle a count of the number of pinheads needed so that } *all* the angels can dance on one. --- 1383-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I need to know more about Jonah, in the Bible, who swallowed > the whale. And how does that relate to people swallowing > stories that they hear on the Internet? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I know an old lady who swallowed a story. In all its glory, a little } bit gory, with cacciatore she swallowed a story. I don't know why she } swallowed a story. Perhaps she'll die. } } I know an old lady who swallowed a whale. Although it was stale, out } of a pail lost on the trail in great detail to no avail wearing a veil } she swallowed a whale. I don't know why she swallowed a whale. Perhaps } she'll die. } } I know an old lady who swallowed a Jonah. In old Barcelona or Globe, } Arizona with Shakespeare's Verona she swallowed a Jonah. I don't know } why she swallowed a Jonah. Perhaps she'll die. } } I know an old lady who swallowed the internet. She isn't done yet. --- 1383-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Which country shall come to power after US? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I like to see supplicants that think about the long term goals--global } warming, social security, ultimate power. } } Anticipating your next question, I recommend buying a lot of real } estate in and around Omaha, Nebraska. You're probably wondering why. I } don't even have to be omniscient to tell you that. } } In the latter part of 2006 and most of 2007, human cloning becomes } rampant. Late 2007 finds el Prez al dente George banning human cloning } again (he would set a new record for "most times banning the same } thing" by the end of his term). Scientists continued ignoring him and } continued their experiments. } } After the 2008 election, as his first act of office, el Prez al dente } Jeb changes the official title back to "President." His second act } involves signing into law an Official Crime Series: the "Law and } Order" dynasty. In his inauguration, he declares a "war on science," } although critics decide that he is merely fighting his predecessor's } battles for him, calling the "war" a "Bush Family Agenda." } } In 2009, reporters make public Jeb Bush's Dayrunner, specifically the } entries under January 20, 2009: "8:00. Breakfast with George. 9:30. } Watch "Law and Order" reruns. Noon. Get sworn in. 3:00. Start inane } 'war' for mom and dad." People take offense and begin siding with the } scientists. } } By 2011, cloning is as popular as Botox and Viagra. Stock soars for } Amalgamated Body Parts. For the first time since the Clinton Years, } the United States has a surplus budget, which Jeb spends on a new hair } weave. } } November 2012. On the night before the election, the Washington ePost } reports where the surplus went. Jeb Bush drops 3 points in the polls, } falling just behind a floundering Lyndon LaRouche. The next day the } country overwhelmingly elects Barack Obama. He is immediately } assassinated. Vice-President-Elect Hillary Clinton attends his funeral } two days later and is mowed down by a runaway news truck. As the } satellite dish breaks loose, it falls to the side of the truck, } crushing an inquisitive Speaker of the House Schwarzenegger. This } marks the first time a President pro tempore of the Senate has risen } to the highest office of all. } } December 2012. But he has to survive another month. And it's cold and } flu season. } } January 2013. An asteroid is spotted heading straight toward Earth. } The Unbelievable Faith of the Husky Order of Worshippers Who Believe } the Earth Will Be Struck By An Asteroid in January 2013 become the } one true religion. Their rapture consists of two apple wedges and a } stick of celery. Not only does the asteroid destroy their headquarters } in Manassas, Virginia, but it takes out 90% of the east coast. The } people of Ypsilanti, Michigan, rejoice, for they now have beachfront } property. At least the ones that lived. } } September 2013. The clones have gathered together in Caspar, Wyoming, } for their annual meeting and make plans to take over what remains of } the United States. They infiltrate every city in every state except } for one, Omaha, Nebraska, which even they can't seem to explain. } } Well, I don't want to give away the ending, but the clones are } eventually destroyed and the whole country, from the west coast to the } not-as-east-as-it-used-to-be coast, is renamed Ohama, Nebraska. } } You owe the Oracle a synopsis of the Food Fights of 2037. --- 1383-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, mighty Oracle who knows everything about anything, lord of the > lords, king of the kings, please tell me: how many roads must a man > walk down? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well dear supplicant, that depends on the man. I tell } you what, let's ask a cross section of living, dead } and fictitious characters and see what they have } learned from experience: } } Douglas Adams: 42 } } Armadoe Avagadro: 6.02x10^23 } } James Bond: 7 } } Moses: 10 } } Burt Baskin and } Irv Robbins: 31 } } Barry Bonds: 755 (he wishes!) } } Neil Armstrong: 11 } } Gene Rodenberry: 1701 } } Leonard McCoy: Dammit I'm a doctor not a } mathematician! } } Bill Gates: That answer will be released in } the next Windows service pack. } } Bill Clinton: Depends what you mean by walk } } George W Bush: I promise you no new roads } } Patrick McGoohan: There is not a number - only } free roads! } } Confucius: A journey of many roads must } begin with a single road. } } Yogi Berra I don't know, but when you come } to a fork in the road, take it. } } Mae West: I don't know, but if he walks } down mine he's in for a bumpy } ride! } } Mark Twain: When a younger man I could } remember every road, whether I } had walked down it or not. } } Oscar Wilde: There is only one thing worse } than walking down a road, and } that is not walking down it. } } Ray Charles: What Road? } } So there you have it, even dead people have no idea } what you're talking about. } } You owe the Oracle a pair of strong walking boots and } a map.