From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Sat Jan 27 19:44:52 2007 Received: from moose.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.6/8.13.6/IUCS_2.80) with ESMTP id l0S0iqhh017361; Sat, 27 Jan 2007 19:44:52 -0500 (EST) Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.6/8.13.6/Submit) id l0S0iqSQ017359; Sat, 27 Jan 2007 19:44:52 -0500 (EST) Date: Sat, 27 Jan 2007 19:44:52 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200701280044.l0S0iqSQ017359@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1416 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1416 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1416 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sat, 27 Jan 2007 19:44:40 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1416 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1411 49 votes 3efe3 3ejb2 1bjd5 34akc 3age6 2cgd6 6f8d7 2abi8 afe73 14ehd 1411 3.2 mean 3.0 2.9 3.2 3.7 3.2 3.2 3.0 3.4 2.6 3.8 --- 1416-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great Oracle, if you already know everything, why is it neccesary > to ask questions? Would you now know what they are beforehand, and > simple send the answers at the right time? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I certainly could, but my ages of experience have taught me that } mortals seldom understand the answers, and hence are unlikely to pay } tribute, unless I let them ask the questions first. However, just to } prove my point: } } 1. No, she's not that into you. (You owe the Oracle a subscription to } Playgod.) } 2. Yes, but it's best to let the wolves finish off the cannibals before } suggesting recipes. (You owe the Oracle a copy of "How to Serve Man" } with foreword by Alfred Packer) } 3. 42 (You owe the Oracle nothing, but some white mice would like a } word with you.) } 4. Well, it all comes down to whether or not you're comfortable with } it. I'd wait until the burning goes down before deciding though. (You } owe the Oracle a topical ointment for every skin condition to affect } the left elbow.) } 5. No, just no, and if you ever ask a question like that again, I'll } ZOT you. (You owe the Oracle an apology and a truth serum.) } } You owe the Oracle a date with the woman from #1. --- 1416-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What if there was a movie called Die Heard (note the spelling!)? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, Die Heard: Note the Spelling would only be the Americanized } sequel to the original Die Heard (German for "The Heard"), which of } course, was only released in Germany and select "independent" theaters. } Nevertheless, I shall provide you with the working draft of Die Heard: } Note the Spelling. } } --Open-- } Lead from Die Heard: Do you hear the bad guy we thought we had killed } in Die Heard? } Female Lead from Die Heard: Why yes, I think I do! Also, despite my } confession of love for you at the end of Die Heard, I no longer } think we should be dating. } Lead: We must stop him! What did I hear you say about our love? } Female Antagonist: Ha! I am here to stop you and make you question your } unquestionable love for Female Lead. } Lead: Ack! Yet, I find myself convinced that Female Lead and I are } destined to be together, I shall win her back by stupidly } putting myself in harm's way. } Female Antagonist: No! I am defeated! } Antagonist: Foolish Lead, you can never defeat me! Now I have you in my } ridiculously cliche trap! } Female Lead: He can't stop you, but I can! } Antagonist: Ah. I am dead again, at least, until Die Heard III: See the } Roman Numerals. } Female Lead to Lead: Oh, Lead, I truly do "wuv" you. } Lead: Don't you mean love? } Female Lead: Note the Spelling! } --End-- } } Don't worry, it'll probably never get produced... probably. } } You owe the Oracle an original plot for a sequel. --- 1416-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Choose your weapon! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I choose.. Hungarian Laser Fighting! } } Now if I can only turn this thing on.. charging.. charging.. still } charging.. you're running at me with a sword.. 0.1% power.. FIRE! Dang } antimatt-ARAA>[cuts his head off] --- 1416-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Great Oracle who can crack a One Time Pad encrypted message, > > If your answer isn't PGP-signed, how do I know it's really from you, > and that it hasn't been altered by a man in the middle? OH MY GOD! > HOW DO I KNOW ANY OF THE ANSWERS YOU SUPPOSEDLY GAVE ME IN THE LAST > TEN YEARS WERE REAL?!? > > Oh no, it even gets worse. I'm not supposed to PGP-sign the questions > that I submit, and that means that cs.indiana.edu might be altering > my questions before sending them to you. You might be answering the > wrong question! Suddenly it all makes sense: When I asked what stock > I should buy, you told me SCO. I was so hurt and angry that you had > deceived me. But now I realize, maybe cs.indiana.edu forwarded my > question as what stock I should avoid, and you answered correctly. > Or maybe you told me to buy a good stock, but cs.indiana.edu changed > the answer to SCO. > > How can I trust anything you supposedly tell me, when our > communications aren't secured? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ! } } You trust PGP more than the Word of The Oracle? } } The Oracle is an immortal, the Delphic servant } of Apollo, of late harbored alternately in The } Temple or a dank subbasement in Indiana. } } The Oracle knows all. Some of which he didn't } know about -- like where you saw that tree tattoo } you keep thinking about. } } And you question his ability to use email to } transact the petty business he does online? } Heck, people even trust the BoA's email. And } you worry about the Oracle being phished? } } Bah! } } You believe the drivel that you see on the TV } news yet doubt that the Oracle is indeed the } Oracle? Do you think he wears those itchy robes } for laughs? } } And what caused this crisis in faith? An event } that the fate of mankind hinged on? No, a stock } selection. How very, very self-centered. } } Ok, Ok, here's your obligatory joke: } } Question: What's a S0C4? } } Answer: To keep your foot warm. } } You owe the Oracle 1000 shares of VGHCX. --- 1416-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "J. Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey Oracle- > You should have trading cards...With a stick of gum in them. > Nerdly yours, > Daniel, > N.S. CANADA And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hey is for horses. But I'm in a mellow, if not downright profound, } mood today. } } As luck would have it, I have just received the printer's proof of } this season's cards. Previous seasons' cards have been a collector's } item and were quickly snapped up, which may be why you didn't know } about them. But even this text version of just a few of the backs } should be a prized possession for you in the future. Particularly } if you can get my autograph. (You can't.) I regret that I must } not show you the front side of these samples; the radiance of my } visage, the beauty of Lisa's, the sheer ugliness of Zadoc's, would } blind you. } } ------------------------------------------------------------- } | Topps #1 | } | The Internet Oracle The Pantheon | } | Ht: Immense Wt: Proportional Zots: L Websurfs: R | } | Born: Long Ago Home: Everywhere | } | | } | Long-time mainstay and all-around oraculizer, TIO led the | } | Pantheon to a championship season again in 2006. Known | } | traditionally for his lightning fast reflexes with the Wand | } | of Zot, TIO has shown a mellowing of his mood, and more | } | flashes of his underrated profundity, in recent seasons. | } | His trademark wit still comes through in the clutch. | } | | } | Most recent five seasons: | } | Received Correct Zot Sarcasm LOL Profound | } | 2002: 61229461 61229461 16381 7965 61205092 23 | } | 2003: 65278216 65278216 4079 18223 65255867 47 | } | 2004: 65925387 65925387 1205 16690 65907328 164 | } | 2005: 70729814 70729814 439 11071 70717342 962 | } | 2006: 78468228 78468228 380 7556 78456293 3999 | } | Career: +Inf +Inf +Inf +Inf +Inf +Inf | } | | } | Trivia: The Internet Oracle has never given a wrong answer! | } } ------------------------------------------------------------- } | Topps #2 | } | Lisa The Pantheon | } | Bust: 38 Waist: 22 Hips: 34 Kisses: Yes Hugs: Yes | } | Born: "None of your beeswax" Home: With TIO | } | | } | The Pantheon's resident sex goddess, Lisa continues to | } | inspire the team to greatness. Was instrumental in TIO's | } | remarkable stamina in 2006. The team reached first base, | } | second base, third base, and even went all the way, many | } | times with her this season. Rumors that Lisa is a switch | } | hitter have not been verified, or convincingly disproved. | } | | } | Most recent five seasons: | } | Smooches Snuggles Osculations Snogs Cuddles | } | 2002: 71079163 13006849 74068773 49173231 82322622 | } | 2003: 13006849 74068773 49173231 82322622 71079163 | } | 2004: 74068773 49173231 82322622 71079163 13006849 | } | 2005: 49173231 82322622 71079163 13006849 74068773 | } | 2006: 82322622 71079163 13006849 74068773 49173231 | } | Career: +Inf +Inf +Inf +Inf +Inf | } | | } | Trivia: Lisa doesn't wear any underpants! | } } ------------------------------------------------------------- } | Topps #9999 | } | Zadoc The Pantheon | } | Weight: 98 pounds Steroids: None Sweeps: L Cleans: Both | } | Born: Under a bad sign Home: Under a bridge | } | | } | Clown Prince of the Pantheon, a distinction he would prefer | } | to do without, Zadoc again was sent to the Minors in 2006, | } | but the Minors wouldn't have him and he was sent back up | } | for further seasoning. Consistently inconsistent, Zadoc | } | is blessed with deceptive speed: he is even slower than he | } | looks. Hopes for a 2007 comeback, or at least a comb-over! | } | | } | Most recent five seasons: | } | Errors Muffs Bungles Mistakes D'oh!s Wins Zots | } | 2002: 3143 560 317487 10 27741 0 7 | } | 2003: 163143 43560 7487 410 41 0 8 | } | 2004: 43 243560 487 90410 7741 0 5 | } | 2005: 143 43560 87 490410 741 0 2 | } | 2006: 63143 60 17487 410 527741 0 0 | } | Career: +Inf +Inf +Inf +Inf +Inf 0 +Inf | } | | } | Trivia: For the 1st time, in 2006 Zadoc didn't zot himself! | } ------------------------------------------------------------- } } In keeping with tradition, the gum that will be included in the } packages will continue to be sturdier than the cards themselves, } and somewhat less flavorful. } } You owe the Oracle a Topps 1952 Mickey Mantle in mint condition. --- 1416-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mavrelous and suportatative Oracle, I am your ever-loosing supplicant, > grovellling here before you in stupid but clean splendor. I put on a > washed shirt just to look better for you. > > I need to know about the Old Times that happened Long Ago. Like back in > 1215 King John was the King and the Albogensians (did I spell them > right?) were bouncing around France being heratix. But people were so > OLD then, how could they do anything? History is full of old people, > not young like me I'm only 17 years old and don't have history yet, not > like being old and all that. Know what I mean? Of course you do, you're > the Oracle and I'm not. > > What was it like back then? Please hurry my paper is due tomorrow. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } First, about this shirt. I know you're trying as hard as you can, but } just because you washed it once 6 months ago does not mean it's still } clean. } } Secondly, your spelling's close, I'd work on your grammar first. } } Thirdly, regarding the Old Times, or as they were called back then, the } Tymes. It was a lot like it is now. Men were men, women were women, and } life pretty much sucked for everyone who wasn't in charge. The only } major difference is that the 7 years, 3 months, 6 days, 13 hours, 42 } minutes, and 28 seconds' War between the dinosaurs of eastern Europe and } the Space Aliens from Mars was a fact of life, not some legend studied } only by stuffy academics. Of course, this war resulted in the } destruction of the Dinosaur civilization. However, before the Martians } could establish a permanent foothold on Earth, the Lava Knights burst } forth from their fortress at the center of the Earth and vanquished the } remains of the Martian. The Lava Knights then went to live on Atlantis, } which was actually a Martian command ship. Atlantis then blasted off } into space carrying all the Lava Knights. No one records what happened } to them. } } Actually, on second thought, don't put too much faith in that answer. I } got really drunk when Rome fell, and pretty much passed out until the } Renaissance. That's why they're called the Dark Ages. } } You owe the Oracle the look on your teacher's face when they read about } the fall of the Dinosaur King in single unarmed combat with the Supreme } Commander of Mars. --- 1416-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > God must be an engineer, why else would so many animals follow similar > patterns with only minor modifications? > > Kangaroo is just an economy-sized walley. > > Hippo/rhino body plan is the same, don't know why the latter has horns. > Triceratops horn pattern also reused, in different animal. > > Mammoth, oversized elephant. > > And the donkey(ass)/horse/zebra/unicorn/pony works very well so no > need to change. > > Okay, unicorn was discontinued. > > And we also have a nice selection of cats.. Don't know why saber-tooth > died out, impractical prolly. > > How bout woodpeckers, their tounge goes all the way around their heads! > (and through their skull) He must have been *drunk* while on the > drafting board.. > > And dogs don't really exist, they're just domesticated wolves. > > But why'd he let all the showroom models eat each other? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } < scene: a typical grimy parts yard, corrugated metal } wall around it, dirt parking lot, waiting room is a } porch like affair near a filthy trailer, huge sign } above says "Yo!Way's Spare Parts" > } } Yo!Way: Hey, parts ain't cheap. } } [ Angel holding a rat tail in his hand looks down at } it forlornly ] } } Angel: Look, I gotta get this creature up and running } soon. This tail, it just don't cut it. } } Yo!Way: I think I got something around da back you'll } like. } } [ The two trudge into The Yard piles of creatures are } scattered haphazardly about, rhinos, octopus, gnats, } bears, tiburons, eagles . . .] } } Angel: Hey how about this? } } Yo!Way: You kiddin' me, right? That's a cayman tail, pure } reptile. That thing ya got there, came from a } mammalian body. Am I right? } } Angel: Well yeah, but erm, I needed a repo system and I } got one over at Ol' Nick's and dang if he didn't } give me one that lays eggs! } } Yo!Way: Ol' Nick's!! I outta run ya outta the yard right } now. Serves you right dealing with that pack of } two bit scavengers. } } [ Yo!Way stops by a pile of woodchucks and beavers, he } tosses them about. How many? Hard to say. ] } } Yo!Way: I thought I had a spare muskrat. Ah heck, here } take this. 50 souls. Plus tax of course. } } Angel: A beaver tail? } } Yo!Way: Sure, it'll work. Besides that thing ya got is } all kinda wack as is. And beaver and tail, well } they sorta a thing, like milk and honey you knows? } That thing does make milk, right? } } Angel: Yes. But the snout isn't working right. So once I } slap on this tail, I'll have to work on the other } end. } } Yo!Way: I got some mallard bills that I gotta get rid of } like right now. You take the beaver tail and I'll } throw in some bills for half of what they cost me. } } Angel: Ok, Ok. Bill me. } } [ fade to black ] --- 1416-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I can't seem to get a word in edgewise with my girlfriend. Is there > another orientation I could try, other than edgewise? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Edgewise is unwise. You could try slantwise. Likewise, go for } crosswise, endwise, sidewise, lengthwise, widthwise, or breadthwise. } Contrariwise, if you're streetwise you'll know to try them each } clockwise and counterclockwise, and otherwise, do them piecewise and } even pairwise. } } And thuswise she'll be none the wiser. Leastwise I think so. } } You owe the Oracle a wisecrack, wisenheimer. --- 1416-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > With the death of Bob, is the world Hopeless? 'Coz I liked Paleface. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A Koan: } } "When," the supplicant asked at the evening meal, "can the entire worth } of an Oracularity be found in the question itself, though it consists } of a single lowly pun?" "When wit is wholly lacking in the reply," } spoke the Oracle, who swatted the supplicant across the forehead and } then turned back to his soup. And at that moment the supplicant was } enlightened. --- 1416-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why are there so many weirdoes in this site? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Besides the two of us, natch. } } Supplicant, it appears to be time for some further grammatical lessons, } regarding first, second, and third person. Repeat after me. } } "I am a rugged individualist. You are an eccentric. He is a weirdo." } } "I am focused. You are single-minded. He is obsessive-compulsive." } } "My sense of humor is uninhibited, literate, and free-ranging. Your } sense of humor is wacky. His sense of humor is mainly } incomprehensible, except for the puns." } } "I am a freedom fighter. You are a soldier. He is a terrorist." } } "My political views are informed and nuanced. Your political views are } ideological and rigid. His political views are partisan and just } plain wrong." } } "I write wonderful Oracularities. You enjoy reading good } Oracularities. A Priest wouldn't notice a decent Oracularity if it } trotted up and bit him on the leg." } } "I am a realist. You are sometimes moody. He is a crotchety old } fart." } } You owe the Oracle some proof you aren't actually a third person in } disguise.