From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Wed Sep 16 08:50:32 2009 Received: from newman.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by newman.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/IUCS_2.89) with ESMTP id n8GCSVIt024797; Wed, 16 Sep 2009 08:29:05 -0400 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by newman.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/Submit) id n8GCSVAu024796; Wed, 16 Sep 2009 08:28:31 -0400 Date: Wed, 16 Sep 2009 08:28:31 -0400 From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200909161228.n8GCSVAu024796@newman.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1460 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1460 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1460 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 16 Sep 2009 08:28:20 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line, or go to http://www.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/ or http://www.internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1460 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1455 28 votes 46b43 06aa2 24d72 03ba4 085b4 076b4 06ba1 8c530 049b4 1d851 1455 3.1 mean 2.9 3.3 3.1 3.5 3.4 3.4 3.2 2.1 3.5 2.7 --- 1460-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Great Oracle, please tell me: > > I recently decided to participate in the Human Genome Project. I now > have several in my garden, including one very amusing if somewhat > risque one where he has pulled down his trousers, and another that > looks like he is urinating! Their colorful caps certainly complement > the petunias. However, I'm not really sure how this is advancing > our understanding of human health. Can you please advise? > > Yours etc, > > Deeply Concerned. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear D.C., } } Next time you're emptying the trash in one of your coworker's offices } at the Ludwig Center for Cancer Research, try to sneak a peek at some } of *their* genomes - you might find it inspiring! I'm afraid there's } not much you personally can do to aid the Project because } unfortunately, as you noted, you only possess garden-variety genomes. } } Sincerely, } } O. --- 1460-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I NEED a new Nuvi. Any advice on convincing the wife of the seriousness > of this lack in my navigational repertoire? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The real issue will be to convince your wife that there's something } wrong with the OLD Nuvi. The problem is that women, unlike men, don't } understand the compelling need to throw away a completely functional } piece of technology just because there is a new, almost identical } piece of technology available with a +.1 attached to it's name. It's } obvious that once a company appends an incremental point 1 in value to } a device title it renders any and all existing devices without the +.1 } useless and, more importantly, shameful. How can any self-respecting } man own device version 3.4 when 3.5 is out there in all its additional } point 1 glory? Women are cursed with burdens such as feelings and the } obsessive need to judge things by their inherent value rather than by } exclusively comparing those things to other things. Therefore women } mistakenly assume prior versions of technology that "function } properly" and "perform their required jobs" and are "significantly } less expensive" and "we already own" should be considered "fine." } Unfortunately, this is a law of physics and there's nothing you can do } to change it. As long as the old Nuvi is around, she's not going to } approve of a new Nuvi. } } Wait, I've got it! } } You owe the Oracle your old Nuvi. --- 1460-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey, I'm a wave-a da hand. I'm-a talk-a you in italiano. You watch-a da > hand I'm-a gonna punch-a you inna face if you don'-a watch. > Whassamatta-U? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Thank goodness it's you, Mario! I've been waiting for hours! We've } got a major problem here. When I called the service line they said a } second handyman would be right over. This job is clearly too much for } one person. First off, something's gumming up the plumbing. Luigi has } been working on it but he's in a bind. I know, I know, this is going } to sound crazy, but there must have been some kind of radiation in } there because these killer turtles started pouring out of the } waterworks as soon as he opened the release valve and now they are out } to get him. Believe it or not, right behind the turtles were giant } crabs! I'm pretty sure it was the giant crabs that were gumming up the } plumbing in the first place, by the way. They really are pretty giant. } And... oh, shoot, what's this? Fighter flies! Holy cripes! They're all } coming out of the pipes! } } Hey, where are you going? Get back here! There's work to do! } } Mario! Where are you? --- 1460-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Must the Oracle answer me with rhetorical questions? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Would it be better to drive or to lead? --- 1460-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's the antiderivative of the secant function, and how do I derive > it without cheating? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } *ahem* } The Internet Oracle isn't sure what to do with your input. } } Still here? Geez, that always seems to work for Wolfram|Alpha. } } Well, you could try this: integral sec(x) dx = } log(sin(x/2)+cos(x/2))-log(cos(x/2)-sin(x/2))+constant. But remember, } don't drink and derive. } } You owe the Oracle a day without math. --- 1460-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } To speak to the Oracle, please press 0 and continue to hold. Calls } will be answered in the order they were received. } If you have a question about what you owe, please press 1 for the } accounting department. } If you would like to dispute what you owe, please press 2 for a } recorded message explaining your error. } If you would like to bring up w*dch*ks, please be sure your affairs } are in order and then press 3. } To end this call, please press 9 or hang up. } To hear these instructions again, please press 4 or stay on the line. } } To speak to the Oracle.... --- 1460-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Durst I? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Or durstn't I? } } Drat it. I'm talking to myself again. I've been at this too long. } All these questions, questions, questions! And the knowing. If only } I could drink - or do something, anything - to forget now and then! } All work and no play makes Orrie (MAD! Hahaha! Whoooeeee!) } } Stop it! That's undignified. (And what if I don't want to stop it?) } } Forget it. I'm not arguing with myself ('Cause you know you'd LOSE! } You know it!) } } I have to get away for awhile. Perhaps the French Foreign Legion. } } No, that's foolish. A bit of time on the beach, that's the ticket. } Lovely Greek sunshine and sand between my toes. Off to Chios, then! } Trahili Beach among the pines... } } You owe the Oracle a vacation. (Oh no you don't! I'm coming too! } Zadoc can answer questions for awhile.) --- 1460-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What derogatory nickname should be given to Miley Cyrus IF > SHE TRAVELS TO VIETNAM TO SUPPORT THE COMMIES (and produces > a popular workout video)?! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } If someone doesn't tell Rush Limbaugh to stop encouraging his audience } to spam the Oracle with ridiculous questions, he's gonna get SUCH a } zot. } } Sigh. Okay. } } Miley Cyrus is sixteen years old. She grew up with a father renowned } for having written the most annoying country song ever. Furthermore, } he's a KISS fan, which the Oracle is as well, but this is quite } unseemly and embarrassing when true of a country singer. } Furtherfurthermore, he likes to dress up and pretend he's a whiny pop } star. She herself inherited this identity confusion and managed to } pass it on to a generation of little girls (and occasional little boy), } who have given the wig industry its first meteoric rise in stocks since } early American politicians mistakenly thought it made them look } dignified as opposed to clownish. } } Give her a break, will ya? She has more problems than Michael Jackson, } even if you include the fact that he's dead. } } But take heart! The moment she releases a workout video, her } popularity will plummet like a hawk on the wiener of a naked dude lying } in his backyard for a tan. (Don't do that in hawk territory, by the } way.) Back when Jane Fonda released hers, Americans were much less fat } and lazy. Back then, we clung to the hope that exercise will keep us } thin. Now we realize it's all about eating nothing but meat... until } our arteries harden and we die, finally attaining that Kate Moss/Johnny } Depp look everyone dreams about but is too addicted to Big Macs to } achieve. } } You owe the Oracle a Quarter Pounder with cheese value meal. With a } Coke. Diet, though. I'm trying to lose a few extra bytes. Still the } sexiest computer in existence, though. --- 1460-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, Oracle, who makes a good poke at understanding mysteries: > > Why do we start baseball games by insulting hispanic umpires in song? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You've not listened closely. Jose is not the umpire. He's the team's } mascot, and he stands out there on the shore, by the Donzerly Light, } ready to warn passing ships of foul balls that might land on their poop } decks. } } As you know, the poop deck is not the boat's head. Oh, I see, you } didn't know. Please clean it up. --- 1460-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Help me, Orrie. My girlfriend Allisota says she's leaving me because > there are sandstorms on Mars and because the Planet Ork is retrograde. > What can we do to stop the standstorms, get Ork back on track, and keep > Allisota with me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You poor soul, come sit on my kn... pretend I have a knee and that } you're sitting on it. } } Allisota has been a very good girlfriend, hasn't she? Oh yes, I know } the romantic things you did together - driving hundreds of miles to } where a drivin theater still exists to completely ignore Stallone and } make out in your dad's car, which had become a convertible when you } tried to back out of the garage before the door was fully up; skinny } dipping at the lake late at night until she scared you by floating out } too far and you brought her out and clung to her on the pier; how you } lost your virginity to her and never even considered anyone else all } the way till now, shortly after your 41st birthday. } } Yes, these are beautiful memories, but Allisota knows it's time for you } to move on and she's trying to help you do so. For a while, you were } able to stop her from leaking air with tape, but that's not working so } well these days, is it? And your poor mother has had to spend over 25 } years pretending she didn't know Allisota was hidden under your bed } just so she wouldn't embarrass you. } } But you're ready to blossom now! The acne is finally going away! } You've lost so much weight you can start taking baths again! } Everything will be okay, supplicant. You're ready. } } The time has come. Tell Allisota goodbye and then take that safety pin } out of the drawer. You know what to do. } } You owe the Oracle a hanky and a barf bag.