From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Thu Jul 29 13:56:32 2010 Received: from newman.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by newman.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/IUCS_2.92) with ESMTP id o6THuWo6020453; Thu, 29 Jul 2010 13:56:32 -0400 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by newman.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/Submit) id o6THuWdl020450; Thu, 29 Jul 2010 13:56:32 -0400 Date: Thu, 29 Jul 2010 13:56:32 -0400 From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <201007291756.o6THuWdl020450@newman.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1470 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1470 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1470 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Thu, 29 Jul 2010 13:56:20 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line, or go to http://www.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/ or http://www.internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1470 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1465 29 votes 26c72 046b8 49772 17975 25796 29c42 69365 15788 4g711 1ab61 1465 3.1 mean 3.0 3.8 2.8 3.3 3.4 2.8 2.8 3.6 2.3 2.9 --- 1470-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Will my ex-girlfriend and I get together again in the future? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Most definitely. } The little paper strip showed a plus sign. } } You owe the Oracle a frog. --- 1470-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle most oracular, sage most sagacious, knower of the unknown, > seer of the unseen, > > Why is a raven like a writing desk? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Thoroughly sick of being asked this question, Lewis Carroll tossed off } this answer: Because it can produce a few notes, tho they are very } flat; and it is nevar put with the wrong end in front! (If you think } 'nevar' is a misspelling, look a little harder.) However, as he had } not intended an answer for the riddle, this was just to get people to } shut up so he could get back to stalking the primary school playground. } } Others have given all sorts of silly answers, like: "Poe wrote on } both." "Because there is a B in both and an N in neither." "Because } the notes for which they are noted are not noted for being musical } notes." These are very ridiculous answers from obviously unstable } people. Therefore, you might appreciate them. } } The truth is that ravens and writing desks have many things in common. } They both contain carbon. Neither of them have swum the English } Channel. Neither have won a spelling bee. Neither have even *entered* } a spelling wasp. Both have refused to ever vote Republican. Both are } things that Loki likes to turn into during parties. } } Of course, the best course would be to ask the Mad Hatter, since he } posed the riddle. As everyone knows, however, he didn't have a clue. } So who in Wonderland would have a clue? No one but the Caterpillar or } the Cheshire Cat, naturally. There are, of course, troubles with } asking either of them, proven by what happened when they WERE asked: } } Caterpillar: Hmm. The answer is obvious if you know the words. } You: Pardon? } Caterpillar: Do you know the words? } You: Uh... I would say so. } Caterpillar: [takes a big puff from his hookah] I would say not. } You: Okay... } Caterpillar: [taps hookah on his chin, or where his chin would be if } he were not a caterpillar] A raven may be a bird, as you know, but it } may also be a flower. } You: Wow. I see. } Caterpillar: Do you see? } You: I think so. And a writing desk? } Caterpillar: That is an aquatic creature with one arm and a clock for } a head. } You: So... how is this flower like a... that aquatic thing? } Caterpillar: I don't know. Want a hit? } You: Um. No thanks. } } No luck there, so we try the Cheshire Cat. } } Cheshire Cat: That is a serious question. } You: Is it? I thought it was a riddle. } Cheshire Cat: A riddle can be very serious and this one is rather dire. } You: Really? } Cheshire Cat: Oh yes. } You: So what does it mean? } Cheshire Cat: What do you want it to mean? } You: I hadn't thought about it. } Cheshire Cat: It would seem to me that you haven't thought at all. } You: Hey, you're rude. } Cheshire Cat: [slowly disappears] I'm a cat. } You: Wait! } Cheshire Cat: [reappears quickly] Yes? } You: Do you know the answer? } Cheshire Cat: [claws the branch he's on] The answer to what? } You: [sighs] To the riddle? } Cheshire Cat: What riddle? } You: How is a raven like a writing desk? } Cheshire Cat: Oh yes. } You: So what is it? } Cheshire Cat: What is what? } You: Never mind. } Cheshire Cat: You wouldn't happen to have some catnip, would you? } } I hope that answers your question. } } You owe the Oracle some clams and a bottle of cocktail sauce. --- 1470-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and powerful Oracle ... > > I like your Old Spice commercials. Keep up the good work. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hello supplicant. Look at your query, now look at me, now back at your } query, now back to me. } } Sadly, it isn't a query. But if your query stopped using a ladies } scented body wash and switched to Old Spice, it could ask me a real } question. } } Look down, back up, where are you? You are asking a question that is } truly a question and not merely suck up to the Oracle. } } What's in your hand? Back at me, I have it. Its an oyster with two } tickets to that thing that you love. Look again, the tickets are now } diamonds. Anything is possible when your query smells like a man and } not a lady, and actually poses a question for the Oracle. } } You owe the Oracle some lavender scented bubble bath. --- 1470-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where can I obtain blueprints for an operational time travel device? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Simple: All you need to do is promise yourself that when you obtain } such a device, you will place the blueprints in your sock drawer. Go } check your sock drawer afterwards, and the blueprints should be there. --- 1470-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > When will I Receive my Box of toys? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You will Receive your Box of toys just as soon as you provide the } Oracle with your bank account number, sort code, PIN, date of birth, } mothers maiden name and the name of your first pet to assist the Oracle } with the transfer. } } The Oracle looks forward to receiving your details. } } You do not owe the Oracle anything on this occasion. --- 1470-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Invaders from the Plutonoid Galaxy want our women, but are repulsed by > three quiet members of the Flippingburg Golf and Hamburger Association > who invent a giant Pinkwater Avocado. > > If you don't need this plot for your own sf stories, then where should > I sell it? I don't know how to get in touch with anyone in > Schenectady, or even Skaneateles. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Here's my idea for a movie plot to mainstream necro: } } The lead character is a homicide detective with ESP that tells him } who did it, but this can only be activated by his having sex with the } victim. His name will be Mort Cox and the movie will be called } 'The Dickromancer'. } } This is how the movie would open: the scene of a massacre: 10 people } shot dead, lying on the floor. But the camera pans onto one live man } having sex with one of the corpses. Uniformed police arrive and we } expect the man to be apprehended, but instead one of the policeman } casually inquires, "Hey Cox, how's the investigation going? Boy, I sure } wish I had your job!" which will serve to introduce the concept. } } Later on we can have a comic scene in which a small child asks Cox } to investigate the death of his dog. } } The climax occurs when both his mother and daughter are found murdered } at an amusement park. Cox must decide on the spur of the moment whether } or not to carry on the investigation with them there in front of DOZENS } of onlookers, before the assailant is allowed to get too far. } } You owe the Oracle a horror movie about 'sunny side egg' vampires, } complete with shots of yellow egg yolk dribbling down their chins, or } mucous vampires, who suck the mucus out of the noses of beautiful women } with colds, while they sleep. --- 1470-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh ultimately entomological Oracle, please enlighten me: > > How do monarch butterflies find their way from Canada to Mexico > when they have never been there and their parents have never > been there and their grandparents have never been there? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The monarch butterfly responds naturally to the pull of a monarchy. } This force can be used to pull or to repulse, and is expressed and } communicated in subatomic particles known as kingons (not to be } confused with Klingons, who are repulsive in an entirely different } manner). The kingons interact with finely tuned receptors on the } monarch butterfly wing, and the butterfly reacts accordingly. In the } Middle East, for instance, the kingon-wing interaction produces an } irresistible force that pulls the butterfly towards the absolute } monarchy of Saudi Arabia. } } Canada, being a commonwealth realm, is a monarchy in name only, and is } therefore naturally repulsive to the sensibilities of the monarch } butterfly, which prefers non-monarchies to countries that only pretend } to be one. The butterflies therefore do not "find their way" to Mexico } so much as they are actively pushed out of Canada. Those who are pushed } to the east or west die over the ocean for lack of a place to land; } those who are pushed north freeze to death. Natural selection therefore } determines that more butterflies in each succeeding generation move } south. } } In short, they're not flying to Mexico deliberately. They just don't } want to stop in the United States because its tacos are second-rate. --- 1470-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise Oracle tell me this, > > If you are so wise, why do you need a day or two to ponder on > questions? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle is so wise _because_ it takes time to think before it } speaks. } } Which, in this world, is quite unusual. --- 1470-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Will someone close to me fantasize about me soon? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes they will. Unfortunately it's not a pleasant fantasy. You really } really don't want to know what they'll be thinking, though I have to } admit it's a highly creative use for all those grapefruit and } hyacinths. Next time - when you borrow their car, make sure to give it } back intact and without all those dents in the bodywork. I recommend } apologising and then running for your life. } } You owe the Oracle a fruit salad and a steering wheel --- 1470-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Based on your reccominductions I have just re-inventolated the > Orophone. It works better now, but I'm getting horrid belching noises. > What have you been eating? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "Whettson -- kemear -- I knead yew" } } Ah deh gran daze of iinvendirs } Be fordadaze uv spelchik } } "Whot sun ko mere aye kneedju" } } Enspoorashon iz ninedynyn pur spur ayshin } } Er sumpinlykdat. Eddy sun u rab skalyin. Steelin olla Tezlaz werk } } Meester grambell mekkin duh furst tellafonesexmacheen } } Widni cotinjin. Phord oto mashin } } Welgum tooda whirlda venshin n vendors } } Soyusayu gota orafone indawerxanit smelzfuni } } I thinkiz cuzu holdinit atta rong end } } U oda Orkle a handeewype