From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Tue Mar 27 10:43:26 2012 Received: from newman.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by newman.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/IUCS_2.97) with ESMTP id q2REhQwh023485; Tue, 27 Mar 2012 10:43:26 -0400 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by newman.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/Submit) id q2REhQE6023482; Tue, 27 Mar 2012 10:43:26 -0400 Date: Tue, 27 Mar 2012 10:43:26 -0400 From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <201203271443.q2REhQE6023482@newman.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1495 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1495 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1495 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 27 Mar 2012 10:43:15 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line, or go to http://www.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/ or http://www.internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1495 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1490 28 votes 7a641 38953 39772 65773 03c94 16885 06c64 158a4 26c62 24787 1490 3.1 mean 2.4 2.9 2.9 2.9 3.5 3.4 3.3 3.4 3.0 3.5 --- 1495-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > So here I am, a freshman at Altered State University. For English > Class the mid-term quiz had just two questions: (1) Who wrote > Shakespeare's plays? and (2) Give a quote from anything by > Shakespeare. > > So I wrote (1) Shakespeare and (2) Bubble Bubble Toil and Trouble. > > Dr. Hashbang marked (2) wrong. > > Please tell me what I can say to Dr. Hashbang so that he changes his > mind. That quote is right there in Hamlett or McBeth or somewhere. I'm > sure it is. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I wouldn't trust anyone named Dr. Hashbang to teach } a course on web design, but I'm afraid he's got you } dead to rights on (2). The quote you were thinking } of is: } "Alas, poor Yorick! He don't look so good." } } You owe the Oracle the phone number of a lady who } doth not protest very much. --- 1495-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How was your day? Mine was just peachy. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } So your audience ran out of rotten tomatoes and eggs again, huh? --- 1495-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What would a reasonable speed limit be for > today's best highways? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Unlimited. Amphetamines only improve driving skills. --- 1495-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > > My friend said that someone called her the C word. > What word is that? (We're all in middle school, > so the word can't be very bad, can it?) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That's "curmudgeon" of which your Oracle is one, too. She should be } proud. --- 1495-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise, most all-knowing, > surely you are the greatest Wise Guy > and the biggest Know-It-All there is: > > Last time, she wanted to swap roles: > > ... is that normal?? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Not really, but it's understandable. I mean, who wants to cook and } clean all day? } } You owe the Oracle a role reversal of his own. --- 1495-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do people submit the null question? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } --- 1495-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Does tinnitus cause caffeine? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } TURN OFF THE ALARM CLOCK AND I'LL TELL YOU!!! AARGH!! } } You owe the Oracle some better creative juices. --- 1495-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > His Yardship the noble Firth of Dundee says there are three ways to > skin a petunia. > > This makes no sense to me whatever. > > What are they? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Noble Firth of Dundee, Yardship or not, is pulling your leg. There } are FOUR ways to skin a petunia. } } 1) Very carefully remove the outer membranes of the plant. } } 2) Carefully cover the plant with the flayed hide of of an animal. } } 3) Cheat the petunia out of all its cash in a card game. } } 4) Use google to find a petunia skin download, then apply it. } } You owe the Oracle a petunia outfit designed by Jean Paul Gaultier. --- 1495-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I am greeble to you suggest. You send me better rnswr to laxt qwustoin > and I sent you trimbute. What you want this time? > > Laxt time I send you bytes of sambwich I shove into cupholder. I > thinking you not get, computer smell awfyl. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You see! Switching to The Oracle(tm) is _so_ easy a caveman can do it! } } Og: "Not cool." } } You owe the Oracle ten million dollars for copyright infringement legal } defense fees and you still owe me a trimbute sambwich. --- 1495-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I've made a great discovery, Oh wise Oracle, but I need you to > check it. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'm sorry to say it, but alas it is true! } And I am rather sorry to tell this to you, } } If it were not today, I'd reply with a zot, } Followed, of course, by your being slingshot } } Through the window up there, } So the birds can fly in, } } ... I rather do like the birds... } } So consider yourself lucky, } You've all but won now, } } For the Oracle won't zot you, } But you will die somehow, } } Leave now quite quickly! } Leave curiosity behind! } } Run back to your wife, widow quickly to be, } And deliver this message, from me to she, } } "Your husband will die soon, though not by my hand, } For he had to go breathing the scent of my land, } } The hallucinations will take him, I'm afraid there's no doubt, } For the man who was once your husband now is a lout, } } And I don't think it funny to demand him to laugh. } } As payment, laugh at the poor bugger for his quite foolish deed." } -------------------------------------------- } } That's the poem I wrote last time someone "discovered" the flowers in } my front lawn. Step away from them, don't smell them, don't even look } at them. Doing so will kill you. } } You owe Steve Kinzler a flower from one of my hallucinogenic plants. } That will certainly be funny.