From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Fri May 31 12:41:02 2013 Received: from newman.soic.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by newman.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/IUCS_2.97) with ESMTP id r4VGf2Pw001564; Fri, 31 May 2013 12:41:02 -0400 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by newman.soic.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/Submit) id r4VGf2f5001561; Fri, 31 May 2013 12:41:02 -0400 Date: Fri, 31 May 2013 12:41:02 -0400 From: oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Message-Id: <201305311641.r4VGf2f5001561@newman.soic.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1517 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1517 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1517 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 31 May 2013 12:40:51 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line, or go to http://www.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/ or http://www.internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1517 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1512 30 votes a7364 26f52 484c2 22b78 167b5 186b4 455c4 89b11 57a71 1379a 1512 3.1 mean 2.6 3.0 3.0 3.6 3.4 3.3 3.2 2.3 2.7 3.8 --- 1517-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Thank gosh for euphemisms. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Not really. } } Without context, euphemisms make you think of something completely } different in the following situations: } } "Simon's just bought the farm!" } Simon's just purchased a plot of land with some agricultural potential. } } "John's batting for the other side" } Their cricket team was two men down, but John kindly offered to switch } teams so that they were of equal sizes. } } "Mary explained about the birds and the bees." } Mary told us about all the problems that pesticides are causing in } apian populations. } } "I lost my lunch" } Where, oh where can my sandwiches be? } } "Sally's got a bun in the oven." } So you can't do a souffle in it, because the oven's at the wrong } temperature. } } "Fortunately, Bill didn't inhale." } Breathing in fumes from a burning rubbish dump would have caused Bill } severe health problems. } } You owe the Oracle a less confusing version of "The Dead Parrot } Sketch". --- 1517-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh seaworthy Oracle, who would never get lost at sea, much less for > ten years: > > I have been reading the Odyssey, but I found a very obvious plot hole > that has apparently been overlooked. After returning to Circe for > advice, they sail past the island of the Sirens. But the Sirens's > singing makes them sail closer to the rocks! I thought you were > supposed to move away from sirens. Is Odysseus just a bad driver, or > is there something deeper going on here? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The key to your query is "on the rocks" which indicates you are drunk. } Drunken driving is not recommended, regardless of who you are. Or as } you (drunken supplicant) might say, trying to impress me, "irregardless } of whom you might is". When you're drunk and the sirens tell you to } pull over, what do YOU do? Claim classical mythology as an excuse? } } You owe the Oracle the answer sheet with the correct spelling of } Odysseus and the other names that you have hidden up your sleeve. --- 1517-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > "If it's too loud, you're too old." And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Did you say anything? This tinnitus drowns everything. --- 1517-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Surely this can't be a null question, I thought those had been } outlawed in the Great-Null-Uprising of 2008? } No, this must be one of those hidden questions. } } *Looks more closely* } } No, still looks like a blank. Ah, I've got it! It's that Unicode } character that looks like a blank, is rendered as a blank, but is } actually described as "a ghost in an invisibility cloak, juggling } ferrets". } } *Selects question, pastes into Unicode character-mapper.* } } No, this actually is a blank question. What am I supposed to do with } that? Why, the last time I saw anything remotely useful produced from } absolutely nothing was when the Big G kicked everything off 13.7 } billion years ago, and even then the only good thing to come out of } that was this automated system for answering questions. } } Anyway, when this universe began, that was from a very specialised } form of nothing. I know it *looked* like nothing, but there was all } this clever mathematics behind it: string theory, M-theory, Q-theory } (I know you haven't heard of that, but just you wait, everyone will be } *queueing* up to accept a Nobel prize for that one), and a whole } boat-load of bosuns (or was it bosons? or bosi? Something like that, } anyway). This question doesn't have anything like that; it just sits } there with no potential, no existence, no, well, nothing! } } If there's one thing I can't stand about this job, it's all these } supplicants who think I can guess exactly what they are asking from a } purely blank question. Obviously I could (I am the all-knowing Oracle, } after all), but it's so much hard work to check. If it were up to me, } all null questions would be automatically zotted, but just because } some woolly-minded liberal priest thinks that zotting-weapons } shouldn't automatically be fired by a flock of trained w**dc****s, } because they make a mistake less than one time out of every two, I } have to actually read all these questions, and reply appropriately. } } Oh well, I suppose I'd better check what this supplicant wants. } } *Rummages through mental filing cabinet for a billionth of a second.* } } > Oh most benevolent Oracle, } > Please tell me, your most unworthy supplicant, why is a raven like a } > writing desk? } } Well, passable grovel, I suppose. The obvious answer is, because Poe } wrote on both, but you wouldn't have asked the question in that case, } would you? } The actual answer, you will be surprised to hear, dear supplicant, is: } } What do you mean, an African or a European writing desk? } } You owe the Oracle a better class of nothing. --- 1517-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Pardon me, I was looking for Mars. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Not at all. It is an easy (if... uncommon) mistake to confuse Mount } Olympus with Olympus Mons. Here are a few key differences you can keep } in mind to prevent further confusion in the future. } } 1. Olympus Mons is the highest mountain in our solar system, making the } peak extraordinarily difficult to reach. Mount Olympus is around 2,900 } meters, but the peak doesn't exist. } 2. Mount Olympus is white, Olympus Mons is rust-colored. Frankly, I } don't know where you're from, but if rust-tinted sunglasses are } fashionable there, I can see why you're moving. Take them off. } 3. Visitors to Mount Olympus typically gasp in awe and grovel. Visitors } to Olympus Mons typically gasp in terror and asphyxiate. } 4. Gods who live on Mount Olympus are typically bearded and } righteous-looking, while goddesses are idealistic representations of } beauty. If you meet gods or goddesses on Olympus Mons, please contact } NASA and start running, fast. } } You owe the Oracle an explanation for how you got here in the first } place. Preferably very quickly, as Zeus tends not to appreciate guests. } Especially unfashionable ones. Really, take them off. --- 1517-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > It has been said that a gentleman is a person who knows how to play the > bagpipes, but doesn't. > > You (of course) know how to play the bagpipes. You also know how to > avoid playing the bagpipes, and how to teach playing the bagpipes. > > I'd like to learn how to play the bagpipes, so that I could be a > gentleman by not playing them. Please teach me. > > Oh, and I wish that you and I remain gentlemen throughout the lessons, > so please teach me without the actual use of the bagpipes. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Please watch a video of someone playing "Scotland the Brave" for 10 } minutes; that is how NOT to play the bagpipes. Every other way is HOW } TO play the bagpipes, ergo, reductio ad absurdum, you now know how to } play them. That was quick! } } You owe the Oracle the gentleman's bagpipes. With positive } identification. --- 1517-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why are little brothers and sisters so annoying? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Mostly because they're not nearly as mature as you are, yet. --- 1517-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Fruitbats, moonbats, wombats, what's the best way to get them out of my > thoughts? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } With a baseball bat. Bat 'er up! --- 1517-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > My Grandfather had Cancer of the Colon. I think I have Capricorn of the > Semicolon. What are the Signs? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } hanging around the tropics too much --- 1517-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is it true that the "Axis" of WWII were so-called because they thought > the world revolved around them? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It is a little-known fact that the Axis Powers were actually known as } such because of a translation error. The losing side of World War II } really preferred to be known as the Power Axes. } } When leaders of Nazi Germany, Japan, and Italy convened to name their } newly formed alliance, they had all coincidentally spent the morning } reading poetry in their native languages and were in a wordy mood. It } was the three nations' ultimate goal to take over the rest of the } world; the leaders decided to get all metaphorical (thanks to their } poetry-filled morning) with their team name, and they eventually } settled on "the Axes," which referred to their shared intent to chop } down the metaphorical trees that were the nations who opposed them. } General Tojo (of Japan) had a personal interest in power tools, and he } suggested that the Axes name be expanded to "Power Axes." Hitler and } Mussolini agreed, though primarily because it made their forces sound } more intimidating. } } Oddly enough, to this day there is no such tool known as a "power axe."