From owner-oracle-archive@kinzler.com Tue Nov 1 08:57:38 2016 Return-Path: Delivered-To: oracle-distrib-4l2NeBl@internetoracle.org Received: by kinzler.com (Postfix, from userid 65534) id 181E1100595; Tue, 1 Nov 2016 08:57:38 -0400 (EDT) To: oracle-list@internetoracle.org Subject: Internet Oracularities #1568 Reply-To: vote@internetoracle.org X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.kinzler.com/ftp/faces Message-Id: <20161101125738.181E1100595@kinzler.com> Date: Tue, 1 Nov 2016 08:57:38 -0400 (EDT) From: oracle-request@internetoracle.org (Internet Oracle) === 1568 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1568 Compiled-By: steve@kinzler.com (Steve Kinzler) Date: Tue, 01 Nov 2016 08:57:26 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to help@internetoracle.org, or go to http://internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1568 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1563 22 votes 27652 11893 03982 58333 34744 37930 22a62 13666 14683 13666 1563 3.2 mean 2.9 3.5 3.4 2.6 3.1 2.5 3.2 3.6 3.4 3.6 --- 1568-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Please explain ultra violent light. You tired to do this before and I > just got confused worse and woke up with a horrible head ache. > > Oh, and I am sorry about the quality of my other questions. Some times > it is not your fault at all if the answer is crazy. You know how > stupid I can be. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's what you start seeing when you drink to the level of infrarement. } You know, when you get infrared. --- 1568-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: twchew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > At first I felt stupid...then I remembered people will vote for > Hillary. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } At first I wanted to say I know how you feel, feeling stupid... but } than I remembered I am the oracle. --- 1568-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Now that I found out that Shakespeare didn't write his plays, a whole > world of possibilities has opened before me. Even though Shakespeare is > dead, it is now possible for some new impostor to write //new// > Shakespeare plays! > > This is my chance to be rich and famous! Please give me the plot and > outline for a play that Shakespeare never wrote, so I can write it and > attribute it to him, just like what's-his-name did with the original > Shakespeare plays. > > I know, I know, I'll still have to solve the problem of being an > unknown name myself. I'll ask you for help with that part later, after > I've written a few plays. Oh, and that brings me to yet another > problem. I'm not a particularly good writer, so if instead of just the > bare-bones outlines, it would help if you would please write several > entire plays. Just enough to get me going. Some possible titles are: > Brutus, Part II; A Springtail; Richard IV; Coriolus; and A Typograph of > Eros. > > Thank you for your kind and all-knowing assistance. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You've probably heard the line, "If you put 1,000 chimps in a room } with 1,000 typewriters for 1,000 years, they'll crank out all } of Shakespeare's works somewhere among all the feces and banana } peels" It turns out that this isn't terribly far from the truth. The } inaccuracy of the statement can be found in its wild overestimation } of the time-frame. People simply don't give chimps enough credit. You } see, it's a somewhat under-known fact chimpanzees tend to speak in } iambs naturally, so they're already well suited to play writing. } Shakespeare knew this, and he captured around 30 chimps so he could } force them into literary serfdom. This is why it can be said that } the man technically didn't *write* any of his plays. In fact, he } constructed them. When you really pay attention to what a bunch of } irritated, mutinous chimps are talking about, you're bound to get some } good material. There's a lot of trash in the mix, it's true, but for } every thirty, "Bananas! Else the kitten gets it, 'piche?", you get one } gem like, "Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean". The grunt work } comes in piecing these phrases together until you have a working story. } If you really want to pick up where Shakespeare left off, you might } want to go off into the nearest forest, carrying a big net. Really, } it's amazing that no one else has done it since him. } On a somewhat related note, Shakespeare also kept a few gorillas around } for their haiku proficiency: } "He will eat my fist. } Giving Kittens to the Chimps? } I hate that Shakespeare." } You owe the Oracle a compendium of the full works of Shakespeare in } sign language. --- 1568-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Will we EVER get to see the dark side of the moon? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE } } Oracle Temple Heavy Industries is proud to announce DarkCam(tm) } } November 1, 2016 } } Oracle Temples, IN--(PRIEST WIRE)--Answering Humankind's long held } desire to know what is "out there in the dark", Oracle Temple Heavy } Industries is proud to announce their new DarkCam(tm) camera. The } DarkCam(tm) is capable of capturing still images or video of things } in the "Dark": the Dark of Night, the Dark of Space, the Dark Ages, the } Dark Tea Time of the Soul, and the Dark Corners of the Human Heart. } } With this new technology it is expected that Humankind will finally } be enlightened about the nature of the unilluminated, informed } concerning the unknowable, and educated on the matters of the } unrevealed. Inventoin-Chief the Omniscient Oracle said "Now they will } all be able to see it for themselves and stop bugging me." } } Oracle Temple Heavy Industries preemptively disclaims any and all } reports of ensuing insanity, madness, mental instability, nervous } breakdowns, unhinged behaviour, worrisome maladjustments, and/or } insatiable desires for ethanol products. Spokespriest Zadoc stated } "All technologies are prone to misuse and some products are } particularly appealing to people already on the edge. There's simply } no evidence that is the case for all ordinary human minds." } } Oracle Temple Heavy Industries new DarkCam(tm) camera is expected to } be sold in all major and minor trading centers, malls, stores, } catalogs, web commerce outlets, and blackmarkets. The price will be } deceptively low, but always appropriate. --- 1568-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MVS Gmail The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Disavowal? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Disnotawowel. } Disaconsonant. --- 1568-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > My horroscope is all wrong. I think I was born when the moon was > shining the other way and my sign is Draco. Nobody wants to believe > it. > > Please tell me what I should do with the last half of my life, and > also if Betty Elizabeth McSnorkley-Gillfeather will ever think about > looking in my direction. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Mr. Telio-Marsh, I'm afraid that the producers of your horroscope } presently employ a very strict "no returns, no refunds" policy. } However, for cases involving observations of the Moon specifically, } I suggest that you make a call to the Matucheks' Thaumic Consultancy } -- they are known to offer advice to the users of vastly diverse } selection of observational equipment. } } As to the second part of your question -- yes, she will, but I'd } rather refrain from elaborating on this, as it may spoil the fun for } all the witnesses of this imminent dis- I mean, joyful event. } } Oh, and your sign is actually "Rough Road". } } You owe the Oracle a vintage oscilloscope. Anything made in GDR will } suit me just fine. --- 1568-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > My car is so stupid! Why would anyone own a car like mine? Why did I > buy it? It's purple. Nobody needs a purple car! My friend says, > "Whodda grape!!" every time I drive by. If I park on the same block as > his house he yells obscenities at me. And at my car. He calls it a > turple purd. > > What color should I paint my friend's car? Can't be purple, he would > guess who did it. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, what a wondrous question! For millenia, supplicants have been } grappling with the question of life, the universe, and purple cars. } And today, my grovel-free supplicant, you, yes you, are finally going } to know the answer. } } Because I, the Oracle, will tell you why Julius Caesar once said "Veni, } vidi, vici, purpulous automobilous." } } You will understand what even John F. Kennedy did not understand when } he uttered "Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask only what } you can do for your purple car." } } You will know why Churchill told Parliament that "we shall defend our } Island, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight on the beaches, we } shall fight with stupid cars." } } Yes, I will even explain why in the beginning, the Oracle created the } heavens and the purple cars. } } You will understand why FDR's friend's car so bugged him as he told } the world that "Yesterday, December 7, 1941, a date which will live in } infamy, the United States of America was suddenly and deliberately } attacked by naval and air forces of the Empire of Stupid Cars." } } And you will even know why that great historian Douglas Adams, in his } great history textbook wrote that the answer to the question of life, } the universe, and purple cars was 42. } } So, my supplicant, take a seat. Sit. Make yourself comfortable. You } do not want to be unprepared for such knowledge as I am about to } impart. It will shake you to your very core. } } Prepare yourself to receive the wisdom of the Oracle. Few humans can } deal with knowledge so complete, so fine, so shocking as this. Perhaps } you should take a sip of some nice tea to calm your nerves. } } Well, my supplicant, are you ready? Are you ready to receive the } knowledge that humans have been seeking for tens of thousands of years? } Are you finally ready to receive the Great Answer? } } I see you are nodding. Good. } } Well then, my weak-kneed supplicant, here is the answer to the Great } Question, the answer that drove JFK to painkillers and made Winston } Churchill start smoking, the answer that made Einstein's hair stand on } end. } } The answer -- are you ready for it? -- the answer to the question that } has defied philosophers for millenia, confused politicians for } centuries, bothered supplicants for ages -- yes, the answer to the } Amazingly Great Question of Life, the Universe, and Purple Cars is } this: } } Stupid people buy stupid cars. } } Yes. } } Yes, supplicant, I can see by your reaction you know now it is true. } That red color in your face gives it away - somewhere in your tiny, } tiny mass of gray goo that passes for a brain, you know. You feel as } if you should have always known, but of course you couldn't, because } you are a person that buys stupid cars. Ah, but supplicant, control } that vein throbbing in your neck; it is such a nuisance to have to } clean blood from my furniture. Go home, now, and re-evaluate your } life's choices. Get help, before it is too late. } } You owe the Oracle a pan-galactic gargle blaster and your friend's } phone number. --- 1568-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Am I on drugs? I just saw a grown man dressed as a My Little Pony. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oddly enough, I just had the following question: } } Am I on drugs? I am at a Brony convention, and I just saw a } shire-horse sending an e-mail. --- 1568-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Man, what a nice rodent costume! > > Here, have some of my fantastic chocolate covered Brussels sprouts! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } But--! Oh, never mind. This will make great food for Zadoc! } } (Meanwhile, I'll just buy my own candy this year.) --- 1568-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: twchew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > what is a name? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } According to Shakespeare her name is Rose but she still smells.